Eight years ago today my journey of grief began. Although November 19, 2009 wasn't the official day of grieving the death of Ray Riker, it was the official day I began to grieve our "old life." What began as what we expected to be a normal day with a routine colonoscopy changed our lives...forever. It was a routine exam (so we were told). It was only scheduled because Ray turned 50 and this is what men are supposed to do when they turn 50. He had no signs, no symptoms. We had absolutely no reason to believe the routine exam would find cancer.
I went along on the exam for several reasons. For support. To be the designated driver. That is what couples do for each other. After the exam we were going to go to Panera Bread for lunch. We were both hungry. I fasted along with Ray the night before...so I was eager to have a meal too. Ray had never been to Panera Bread and I had only been introduced to it a few weeks earlier when my friend Carolyn was in town visiting during Halloween.
When we checked in to the doctor's office I was told to have a seat in the waiting area. I was informed it would take about an hour and a half. I finished a book I was reading titled "Saving Sammy: A Mother's Fight to Cure Her Son's OCD." It was approaching the two hour mark and finally a nurse came out and called me in. I expected they were going to have me push Ray out in a wheelchair and needed my assistance with that. Instead they took me into a conference type room. Ray was already sitting there in a chair. I was confused. They had me sit. A nurse and the doctor took a chart out and pointed. It was a diagram of the colorectal system. They pointed to an area and said "...the cancer we found is here..." I was more than taken aback. "What the hell..." is what I thought. They didn't prep me for this at all. Just "BAM" "...the cancer we found..." I realize I have no medical training but I would think they would have eased into the information such as saying "Today we did a colonoscopy on Ray. This is what we did...this is how it was done...we found something that wasn't right...we found cancer." I looked at Ray and asked him "did you know this?" I wasn't sure if he was just finding out too. He said he knew. We were told they found it early and it was small and all will be ok.
We left the doctor's office after discussion about seeing a surgeon. Neither of us were hungry anymore...(at lease neither of us felt like eating). I drove us home. After getting in the house I went out the back door and called my mom. I didn't want Ray to hear me. I informed her of what we found out. She gave me encouragement.
We kept getting assured that this is the easiest cancer to get rid of. We were given hope. I know in the back of my mind I kept thinking "what if." What if this is our last Christmas? What if it's worse than we thought? What if....? Although Ray never said it, I know he was thinking the same thing. I could tell by his behaviors. He was savoring each moment. For many years we didn't attend the holiday lighting ceremony in Saugatuck. Ray thought it had become lame, but this year he wanted to go. He started going through boxes of family memories in the basement. It was as if he was preparing for the "what if."
November 19, 2009 changed my life forever. Not a day goes by without me thinking about Ray. Everyday! I still cry...not as often, but several times a month. There are still things of his I can't part with. I still grieve everyday in some way. My anniversary begins... - Jimmy
