As it was with Ray's passing, music is playing an emotional role in my dealing with Drew's death. So many songs remind me of when he and I started dating. It hurts so much. I really thought that I would have a longer time together with Drew. Fourteen years is quite a while...but for me going through all the crap of grieving is too much sometimes. My stomach hurts. My mind whirls with thoughts. My eyes tear up. I really miss Drew much more than I thought I would. His disease was so tough on him AND me that I thought I would almost feel complete relief when he was gone. Relief from the stress...emotionally, physically and mentally. But it's not that way.
During his last year I would purposely hold his hand very intentionally, trying to take in all the physical memories of him. I knew he would be leaving me soon and I just wanted to hold him, hug him and touch him. When Ray died it was so sudden I couldn't do that. I would stare at Drew at times just thinking about him, trying to take in his physical appearance...knowing he would be gone soon.
I'm alone now with my two kitties and dog. They keep me company but I kind of miss taking care of Drew. He depended on me. He relied on me. I'm glad I was there to take care of him to the end. That makes me happy.
