So There Is That

Summer 2025 is in full swing!  

Yesterday morning I spent a little time enjoying my porch/deck with Harley.  Just sat and drank my coffee.  Then I put my new power washer together and did some power washing.  

By early afternoon I headed to Douglas Beach.  I took a good hour plus walk along the Lakeshore.  I was determined to find some beach glass, but only found 1 brown piece.  At least I found something.  The waves were pretty decent and the water felt good on my legs.  The fresh air mixed with the smell of the lake brought back memories of summer vacations.  The wonderful feeling of no other worries of the day was palpable.  No need to think about guests checking in, rooms to clean, laundry to do, etc.  I always felt the B&B was more work than Ray did (probably because I did most of the "work."  Seriously.).  Ray could let his mind run free and dream, I always felt a sense of responsibility and thoughts of work that had to be done.  Then, after the B&B, I had Drew to care for.  Although in the beginning he was quite independent - I still knew I had a sense of responsibility for his care.  Yesterday, I didn't have a care in the world.  It felt like vacation.  

My current view as I write in my blog.

After the beach I headed to Holland.  I got the car washed, got some necessary items at Wal-Mart and looked for white shorts (to wear for the July 4th holiday at work).  I couldn't find ANY white shorts at Wal-Mart, TJ Maxx, Burlington or Sierra.  I stopped at The Bearded Dutchman Meat Market and got some Sweet Italian Brats, ground veal for a future Bolognase sauce recipe and some Canadian Bacon for a homemade recipe of Boston Baked Beans.  

Harley on the porch this morning.

My enjoyable day continued into the evening.  I cut the lawn, which looks great!  I've been keeping it watered all summer so far.  Then I BBQ'd a brat, boiled some corn on the Cobb and had potato salad for dinner.  I went to bed with a smile on my face and a dog cuddled under the covers next to my legs.  

Today I plan to continue my enjoyable summer.  I am going to the farmer's market in South Haven, maybe check for white shorts at Glik's, stop at Aldi for some things and hopefully go to the beach again for a nice walk.  I may try to get my extra propane tank filled for my gas fire pit/table.  

I still have depression/anxiety, which I hear is common for caregivers.  It would seem like it would be so easy to just move on, but the scars are there and they are very deep.  There's guilt for things you think you should or could have done differently.  There's guilt that your life moves on in the aftermath of their death.  The grim reality of death (for yourself one day) haunts you.  I tell myself that "others have it worse" but that's kind of a morbid way to try to "feel better" about your situation.  So, I try hard to keep busy with things that give me joy  Unfortunately one of those joys is retail therapy (shopping).  I don't have unlimited income (I don't know anyone that does) so I have to be careful, but it makes me happy.  Fortunately my new home makes me so happy too.  So there is that.

Without You There's No Me

It's not like I can explain what's in my heart

It's just I feel a crazy pain when we're apart
I don't wanna breathe, I don't wanna think
I don't wanna learn, I don't wanna do anything
It's not like I can describe what's going on
It's just I feel I'm not alive when you're not home
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna be
I just want you here beside me
Without you there's no me

- Michael Jackson "Why?"  

What's Next?

I was planning on writing in my blog a lot sooner but just couldn't get to it.  I wanted to do this during Christmas while my feelings were "raw."  But, here I go.

During the latter part of October I got COVID for the very first time.  In my personal journal I wrote the following:

_______________

23 October 2024

Terrible day. I tested positive for Covid. First time ever. I’ve been sick since Sunday, today is Wednesday. I just realized I can’t smell or taste. I hope that’s not long term and especially not permanent. I had a horrible day thinking about Drew’s death and missing him. Cried kinda hard. Thoughts of suicide entered my mind. Leave this world like he did. Not that he committed suicide, but leave this world like he left the world but for me by suicide. What is life but pain?  Maybe I need to do things to make small differences for people. I don’t know. Too philosophical right now. I’ve got COVID, I feel like shit and I’m depressed. 

25 October 2024

I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve been cooped up for almost a week now with Covid and my mind is a mess. As odd as it sounds, I feel I need Drew back so I can take care of him. I am so lonely I have nothing to do.  The poor guy just wanted a normal life and it was so hard on him so hard on me. But I feel so horrible for what he had to go through. I am crying and crying right now harder than ever.  I really feel like I don’t have anything to live for. It’s not worth it.  It’s been six months today. 

Second HORRIBLE cry today. 

_______________

Thanksgiving was nice.  Marguerite joined me and it was just the two of us.  It was nice and relaxing for us both.  

Marguerite and me

In early December I purchased a new car.  I only had my Honda Passport TrailSport for 1 1/2 years but there was a great deal and I was able to upgrade out of my lease.  So I got a 2025 Honda Passport TrailSport.  I got a different color though.  Blue instead of black.

I decided to decorate for Christmas this year.  I haven't put up the tree in two years because I was afraid Drew would fall into it and hurt himself.  Also, since I have my new home I thought it would be nice, and it was.  However, when I finally took it down I had this feeling that I don't want to do this again next year.  Maybe I'll put a tree up every other year.  That will probably change though come November.  

Joe and Renee came for the week of Christmas.  It was nice to have them around and keep me company.  I'm sure I would have probably got into a "funk" if I didn't have their company.  Harley liked it for a day or two but then by day three/four he was giving me a look as if to ask "When are they going home?  I want our routine back."  He was actually hiding under the bed the last three nights they were there.  They didn't stay with me but we got together each night.  

Joe, Renee and me

I do miss Drew terribly.  He was such a sweet, kind, considerate and loving soul.  I wish we could have spent more time together before his Huntington's Disease took over.  My mind keeps replaying the day he died over and over and over again.  This gives me major anxiety and sometimes depression.  My mind also keeps asking myself "What's next?"  

Drew and me January 2018

That Makes Me Happy

 As it was with Ray's passing, music is playing an emotional role in my dealing with Drew's death.  So many songs remind me of when he and I started dating.  It hurts so much.  I really thought that I would have a longer time together with Drew.  Fourteen years is quite a while...but for me going through all the crap of grieving is too much sometimes.  My stomach hurts.  My mind whirls with thoughts.  My eyes tear up.  I really miss Drew much more than I thought I would.  His disease was so tough on him AND me that I thought I would almost feel complete relief when he was gone.  Relief from the stress...emotionally, physically and mentally.  But it's not that way.  

During his last year I would purposely hold his hand very intentionally, trying to take in all the physical memories of him.  I knew he would be leaving me soon and I just wanted to hold him, hug him and touch him.  When Ray died it was so sudden I couldn't do that.  I would stare at Drew at times just thinking about him, trying to take in his physical appearance...knowing he would be gone soon.  

I'm alone now with my two kitties and dog.  They keep me company but I kind of miss taking care of Drew.  He depended on me.  He relied on me.  I'm glad I was there to take care of him to the end.  That makes me happy.    

Gotta Go

 I moved.  This was not anything I planned on doing...ever again, but the opportunity came and I moved on it.

I now own my own place.  A big leap, but one that I think will be best for me.  I spent 12 years at our old place and there are just so many memories of Ray's recent passing (when we moved in) and all the horrible issues Drew had to deal with.  This new place has no connection to Ray or Drew.  I don't believe I am "rushing" anything as I have already been through this who scenario before.  I now have the experience of how to deal with things maybe a little better now.

Since Drew died Harely has only slept with me twice.  And that was because I brought him to bed with me.  Prior to Drew's passing Harley would sleep between my legs EVERY night.  Last night I brough Harley to bed with me and he slept under the covers with me all night.

Gotta go.  Jimmy

Reduced Bloating

 It sure has been a while since I have "blogged."  It is smack dab in the middle of winter right now.  It is 18 degrees outside and there is plenty of SNOW!  I'm off work for about two weeks so I have lots of time to catch up on things.  The time will go way too fast.  It does every year.

I am doing well right now, mentally, emotionally and financially.  I do, however, still hold on to the past.  My life moves forward, but it still feels like I'm stuck at comparing everything in my life to everything prior to January 3, 2010.  It's hard to explain.  It's almost like there are two of me.  The one who moves forward with everyday life, and one who constantly looks back...comparing my life now to the one prior.  Even when I watch TV I look at the date an episode first aired and determine if Ray was alive or dead when it aired.  It's weird, but it's what I do.  

Ray was my ROCK.  When Ray was alive I always felt safe.  I know that sounds odd, but he was the one who kept me grounded, safe and secure...with life.  He always reassured me when I worried or was upset.  I always knew my life would be ok if he was there for me.  Being Drew's caregiver I have become the emotional support person for Drew.  There is no one for me.  No one to assure me everything will be ok.  No one to listen to my concerns.  No one to listen to my up or my downs.  I can tell them to Drew, but that is all I can do.  Tell him.  His brain isn't programmed anymore to rationalize what I am saying and give any support or comfort to me.  It depresses me at times.  

I put my drinking on a hiatus as of October 18, 2021.  I had pancreatitis and spent five days in the hospital back in October.  It was time to give my body a break from alcohol.  I'm trying to go as long as possible without having any.  I feel good and have lost weight...as well as reduced bloating.  

Take Care of Me

My birthday. Today I have been totally depressed, grouchy and crabby. I want someone to take care of ME today.-Jimmy