Great Night

I got a lot done today.  Bills, laundry, painting, etc.  Very productive.  Went to Friedl's for dinner tonight.  But, didn't get home until 1:30 a.m.  OMG!!  We talked and talked and talked.  Great night.  - Jimmy

Graduation

My last day of grief counseling.  As my friend Karlene said to me "you graduate from grief counseling today."  A full year.  I could never have gotten this far without my wonderful counselor Stacey.  She guided me along this journey for the last year.  Keeping me on track.  Moving forward when I fell back.  Explaining the challenges and hurts along the way.  She showed me how I have grown over this last year.  I would never have imagined this last year would be an opportunity of growth for me...but it was.

I learned a lot this past year.  I learned that keeping or getting rid of material things does not make Ray anymore closer or apart from me.  I learned that I can keep boundaries and take responsibility for the things I am responsible for.  I've learned to stop worrying about what people "think" of me.  (That one I am still working on.)   I've learned that my faith has been strengthened.  I've learned that with love and joy comes sorrow and pain.  I've learned that you can't "plan" your life.  I've learned how to make breakfast.  I've learned that the heart does heal.  There are scars...but it does heal.

I am moving forward.  The "Just Jim" is getting adjusted to a new life.  I am no longer "Ray and Jim"...I am "Just Jim."  I know I will have my ups and downs forever...but I am still healing.  - Jimmy 

Jimmy

Well I started my day with a post on Facebook that I was going to the Shelter to look for a friend for Wiley.  My friend Philip asked if I wanted him to go with me.  He came with me to my haircut first...and he, Michael and I chatted and chatted while I got my haircut.  Then we went to see a cat at a foster home and many, many cats at the shelter.  They are all so sweet!  I even looked at dogs, but 90% were pit-bulls and mixes like that.  WOULD NOT FIT IN HERE!  I like the foster cat....Magnum (his name will have to change).  So, I may call and go back to see him and adopt him.

Got home at close to 7:00 p.m., so it was a full day. 

Tomorrow is my last day of grief counseling.  That was a mutual decision both my counselor and I made.  I think I am ready and she said (at my last visit) that she thinks I'm ready.  As I drove into Holland today with Philip I realized how far I have come.  - Jimmy

Last Year's Blog

I just read my blog from last year today, January 22, 2010.  I finished reading it with a good cry.  Wiley is on my lap as I cried and now as I type this.

Jimmy

Last Year's Blog

I just read my blog from last year today, January 22, 2010.  I finished reading it with a good cry.  Wiley is on my lap and I cried and as I now type this.

Jimmy

That's My Day

I am EXHAUSTED!  On Thursday I went to Menard's to get new paint for kitchen, granite tiles for kitchen island and some decorative panels for the chimney going through the kitchen.  I spent the day yesterday removing the small green ceramic tiles off the kitchen island.  Today I put the new granite tiles in.  I bought a tile cutter years ago and it came in handy yet again.  I finished the tile AND even grouted it.  I am pooped.  So, going to Friedl's for dinner.  Tomorrow I'll get back on painting the new color.  The color is called "silver case."

My one and only room for the weekend cancelled because of the weather.  I told them they could use their deposit for a future stay.  I'm glad they didn't venture here from Illinois in this snow, ice and cold.

I had my first cry in weeks last night.  I can't even remember that last time I really cried like that.  I've teared up, but last night was a good "real" cry.  It didn't last long, but it was a good release for me.  I went to the cemetery to be close to Ray and talk to him. 

Wiley is still following me around like a shadow.  Everyday he and his sister would cuddle up together and sleep.  Now I am the one he looks to in order to do that.  I've thought about getting another cat that is very friendly, but I don't know that I can force him to bond with another cat.  I saw one online at Harbor Humane that was a five year old male cat, declawed in the front and VERY, VERY cuddly and friendly  Maybe I should check him out.  I think his name is Mister Mittens.

That's my day.  - Jimmy 

My Life Moves Forward

I am home from Chicago.  I had a great time with great friends.  The fondu party was intimate but loads of fun.  There were only five of us as two weren't able to make it.  Steak and chicken cooked to my own liking in hot pots of oil with a variety of dips and sauces.  It was such a fun and different type of dinner party.

On Sunday I had my first visit to IKEA.  OMG!!  We went to the two story store.  There is a four story one near the airport, but I'm glad we didn't go to that one for my first visit.  That would have been too overwhelming.  The two story one was enough.  I can't believe all the things they have there.  We even had the Swedish meatballs with lingonberry sauce.  It was a great four days.

Marguerite is in Florida visiting her daughter.  So, I am home alone again.  It's very, very nice.  A year ago it was pure HELL for me to be home alone.  Now, I cherish it.  I have come so far in the last year.  I know I've been saying this a lot lately but I really didn't think it was possible to feel normal again.  I terribly miss Ray but I don't have the crushing pain I did last year.  I felt so lost with no normal life routine.  Now, I have become used to being "Jim" versus "Jim and Ray".  I don't like it, but I have no control about that. 

Friedl had me over for dinner last night.  A great time as usual.  We haven't seen each other since January 3rd so of course we had tons to talk about.  (We always do, even if we haven't seen each other in 24 hours.)  I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful, accepting friend.  She gave me my last Christmas gift.  She purchased it when we were in Vienna.  I bought a traditional Austrian jacket and hat (kind of like what Christopher Plummer wore in Sound of Music).  She bought me a pin to put on the hat which has the fur of a goat tail on it.  She had it delivered by mail, so it took a while.  I will look like a real Austrian.  Tonight I am having Friedl over for dinner. 

I am going to Menard's today.  I want to repaint the kitchen and I need to get some primer, plaster patch, and pick a new color.  I would like to get started on that this weekend.

It's a cold, cold winter morning.  It's still dark outside.  My heart is warm and the sun shines in it.

My life moves forward.  - Jimmy