Good For Me

I'm in Detroit (at my mom's house).  The drive here was pretty good.  Some icy rain, but otherwise uneventful.  I DO NOT miss Detroit rush hour traffic.  Sometimes I get annoyed at the traffic in Holland, then I experience this and realize how spoiled I've gotten. 

Had pizza tonight at my sister's house.  It was so nice to see her and my three nieces. 

I was really swamped today with getting everything done and packed.  I got it done though.  I am exhausted right now.  I should sleep like a baby...but who knows?  Excitement about the cruise will be on my mind for sure.

I feel a little "down" today in spite of a fantastic vacation awaiting me.  I think this leisure time away will be good for me.  - Jimmy

Time Crunch

It's Sunday.  Where has the time gone?  I've got so much to do before I leave for the cruise.  Sooo much.  Got my tax stuff done and dropped off at the accountant's.  Tomorrow I've got a ton of stuff to do.  However, it will get done.  When I'm in a time crunch I get things done.  I have to. 

I'm ready to get out of this dreary, winter weather.  It's raining terribly righ now and very cold. 

Ray's sister, Susie, is here for a visit.  It's nice to have her here and be with us.  We're going to eat at Everyday People Cafe tonight. 

-Jimmy

Time To Get Packing

A good day today....very good.  First off, I have been having trouble with my online reservation system since December 7, 2010.  I thought I would need to get new software, etc.  Today I realized that I had changed my password and so my PC system wasn't able to log in becuase the password didn't match.  Now everything works perfectly.  YEAH!  Also, I finished my tax preparations.  About 85% done.  Just have to print out all the spreadsheets and put them in an organized folder and drop them off.  So, I'm close to being done. 

Now, I just have to pack for my cruise.  It's not only my cruise to pack for, I will be in Detroit, Ft. Lauderdate and the 10 day cruise.  Time to get packing.  - Jimmy

Another Day

Clearly spring is close by.  Yesterday you could just feel and hear it.  The warm temps, the sun, the birds chirping....just a week away.  I finally got the last of the outdoor Christmas decorations put away. Finally!  For the first time (this last year) I put lighted decorations out that had to be staked in the ground.  The ground was frozen and I couldn't get the stakes out.  Yesterday the ground was thawed enough to get them out.  Yeah!  Finally, just before spring.  I also cleaned up the porch a bit. 

There is a lot I have to do before I leave for my trip.  Bills that have to be paid (for which I haven't yet received the statements for), Titanic dinner things to get out, taxes to do, rooms to clean, laundry, packing, etc.  But....I know I will get it all done.  I always do.

I feel better today.  Yesterday I was depressed most of the day.  I realized (mid-day) that I hadn't taken my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for a few days.  I was so busy with the weekend that I forgot.  That may have been part of the problem.

Last night Marguerite and I went to Friedl's for dinner.  Then we watched Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert DVD.  It was good to get out of the house.  Friedl is going to North Carolina tomorrow to pick up her grandchildren and bring them to Michigan for spring break.  She will be back after I leave for Detroit to pick up my mom \for our cruise.  So, I won't see her for almost a month.  I may get some withdrawals.  We get along so well and have a great time together. 

Well, I guess I'm still moving along.  Another day.  - Jimmy

I Think About My Future

I'm blogging right now only to take my mind in a different direction.  I am having a terrible morning.  It started out nice.  I awoke to sun shining through the windows and moderate temperatures.  I felt pretty good.  Then I decided to look at my blog from last March.  I posted a lot of pictures that month on the blog.  As I looked at them I had a breakdown.  The worst since last October when I was in Key West with Marguerite.  I have cried so much I can't even breath through my nose right now.  All the old questions and statements have come back....

• Why!?
• This wasn't supposed to happen this way.
• We were going to retire and travel together.
• This isn't fair.
• Why!?
• I miss you SOOO much!
• Why!
• I don't want to live any more.

I know I will come to terms with things shortly.  My mind will return to reality.  But it's hard.  It just shows me that I can't control my emotions or feelings.  At times I can look at pictures and smile and be content.  This morning I can't.  As I looked at the pictures I turned away...wanting to look again but knowing how it would hurt me when I looked back.  I suppose days like this are just a way for my mind to release the pent up hurt.  It must build up and then need a release.  Maybe it was the cooking class?  Knowing this was "Ray's event."  Maybe it is the fact that I am going on a vacation with my mom and thinking Ray should be with me.  Maybe it is none of that. 

I'm exhausted now from the crying.  I kind of feel no emotion now.  Writing the blog has helped.  As I have mentioned before, this blog is a journal for me and anyone is free to read it.  I share my deep emotions and if anyone thinks it's too much they are free not to read.  My blog started as a way to keep family and friends informed of Ray's surgery.  I NEVER intended it to last more than one day.  I informed our family and friends that since I did not have everyone's phone numbers or email addresses it would be impossible to contact everyone - so I would post an entry in a blog as to the update on Ray's surgery.  They could go online and take a look.  I expected to end the blog with "Surgery is done and Ray is fine."  That didn't happen.

I think about my future.  What will I do?  I've thought of going to culinary school (believe it or not).  I've thought of taking photography classes.  I love photography.  As I write this I guess I believe that I will move on.  I guess I do want to keep living.  This blog helps me.  It helps me sort out my thoughts and keep things in perspective.  I feel better.  - Jimmy

Comments From You

The cooking class weekend is over.  A successful weekend.

I pretty much did "nothing" today.  Friday and Saturday were full with activities.  I vegged on the couch all day and Mondo slept next to me the whole time.

Went to Wild Dog tonight with Marguerite.  Had to have the calamari.  YUM! 

I am thinking about changing the format of my blog.  Rather than the dull-drums of my day (which it has become) - I want to make it more interesting.  Comments from YOU would be appreciated.  - Jimmy

Ray Was In There Too

Cooking class weekend is in full swing.  We had a great/successful "Welcome Party" last night at the Butler Pantry.  How fun to have so many people ready to cook! 

My ribs have been so sore since my flu.  I have coughed so much.  I feel like I've been kicked in the ribs/chest, literally.  I finally went to the doctor this week to make sure I was "ok" - found out I cracked a rib from coughing so much.  Who knew?!

Marugerite cleaned the dining room this week.  She cleaned it from "top to bottom" - really.  Everything sparkles. 

I feel pretty good - emotionally.  I'm on the mend.  Keeping busy really helps.  It's been busy this week with getting the cooking class together, cleaning the house, etc.  But even as I sit here and think about things....everything of the last year...I feel "ok."  I have survived.

I am looking so forward to my trip with my mother.  I love her so much.  We really have a great time when we are together.  We love to do the same things...shop, eat, shop, eat, and relax at the pool.  What could be better?  We are staying in the same cabin (on the same ship...of course) that Ray and I stayed in on our first cruise.  It will be so nice to be in that cabin thinking that Ray was in there too.  - Jimmy

I Am Unsure About The Future

It's only a week until daylight savings time.  I am so excited.  Today started as a sunny day, but got cloudy quickly.  It felt cloudy in my heart today too.  Maybe because Drew is going home tomorrow. 

This weekend in the cooking class. Friedl and I are "hosting" the class.  An Austrian menu.  I worked on putting the recipes down on paper today.  There are 13 people doing the class...great participation.

Another new year.  A year without Ray's physical presence.  I move forward...I am happy, I am unsure about the future.  - Jimmy

I Thought It Wouldn't

It is 40 (some) degrees outside and raining.  When "you" go on the front porch and smell the air, it smells like spring.  I hear the rain around the house failling off the roof and I think of Spring.

Sometimes I feel more tired in the off-season than I do in the in-season.  I get in such a slow mode...I don't want to do anything. 

I feel so much better today than I did a year ago, six months ago, three months ago.  I absolutely "HATED" the months that I felt so terrible.  But, I'm feeling better...my life moves on...and I thought it wouldn't. - Jimmy

Starting to Live Again

Today is Ray's birthday.  It was a sunny day....cold, but warm (from the sun) at the same time.  Marguerite, Drew, Karlene, Tony, Kelly and I went to a restaurant in Holland tonight to celebrate Ray's birthday.  We went to CityVue on the fifth floor (top floor) of a hotel in downtown Holland.  We had a great dinner and great service.  (The music could have been better.)

This afternoon Drew and I watched "Winter's Bone."  One of the Oscar nomination's for best best film.  It was very, very good.  Kind of makes you appreciate the life you/I have. 

Things are moving along just fine.  Friedl and I worked out the logistics for the upcoming cooking class.  An Austrian dinner. 

Marguerite had a job interview today at Holland Hospital.  It was a very positive interview and she is hoping things work out with it.

That's my update.  Not much to post on my blog right now...just a "regular" life starting to live again.  - Jimmy