I Think About My Future

I'm blogging right now only to take my mind in a different direction.  I am having a terrible morning.  It started out nice.  I awoke to sun shining through the windows and moderate temperatures.  I felt pretty good.  Then I decided to look at my blog from last March.  I posted a lot of pictures that month on the blog.  As I looked at them I had a breakdown.  The worst since last October when I was in Key West with Marguerite.  I have cried so much I can't even breath through my nose right now.  All the old questions and statements have come back....

• Why!?
• This wasn't supposed to happen this way.
• We were going to retire and travel together.
• This isn't fair.
• Why!?
• I miss you SOOO much!
• Why!
• I don't want to live any more.

I know I will come to terms with things shortly.  My mind will return to reality.  But it's hard.  It just shows me that I can't control my emotions or feelings.  At times I can look at pictures and smile and be content.  This morning I can't.  As I looked at the pictures I turned away...wanting to look again but knowing how it would hurt me when I looked back.  I suppose days like this are just a way for my mind to release the pent up hurt.  It must build up and then need a release.  Maybe it was the cooking class?  Knowing this was "Ray's event."  Maybe it is the fact that I am going on a vacation with my mom and thinking Ray should be with me.  Maybe it is none of that. 

I'm exhausted now from the crying.  I kind of feel no emotion now.  Writing the blog has helped.  As I have mentioned before, this blog is a journal for me and anyone is free to read it.  I share my deep emotions and if anyone thinks it's too much they are free not to read.  My blog started as a way to keep family and friends informed of Ray's surgery.  I NEVER intended it to last more than one day.  I informed our family and friends that since I did not have everyone's phone numbers or email addresses it would be impossible to contact everyone - so I would post an entry in a blog as to the update on Ray's surgery.  They could go online and take a look.  I expected to end the blog with "Surgery is done and Ray is fine."  That didn't happen.

I think about my future.  What will I do?  I've thought of going to culinary school (believe it or not).  I've thought of taking photography classes.  I love photography.  As I write this I guess I believe that I will move on.  I guess I do want to keep living.  This blog helps me.  It helps me sort out my thoughts and keep things in perspective.  I feel better.  - Jimmy