I awake this morning with mixed feelings. It is a fantastic, beautiful sunny morning here in West Michigan. The fog on the Kalamazoo marsh as the sun rises is mystical. It's a Saturday morning in July and I can sleep in! But guess what? I wake at 6:30 a.m. ....and think!
I was leaving work last night walking with my new friend Amy. As we past a young man sitting at his workstation I said to Amy "He's cute." She said "JIM!" I replied "What?" She said "he looks like Ray." I hadn't realized it but she was right. A very young Ray by the way. But he sure did have his features.
So, I start thinking about my Ray this morning. Tears came to my eyes as I thought about caring for him in the hospital and how I would never have any idea that he would have died three weeks later. My life changed in an instant. I tried so hard to "make it work" at the Kirby House over the next three years. It just wasn't the same. No matter how much awesome help I got, it wasn't the same for me. And, as the economy hit the tourism business hard it all fell apart. I could no longer "hold on." I had to move on. The last few days I spent at the Kirby House I felt so overwhelmed and emotional that my stomach would get so upset I would throw up. I had to get a prescription to prevent it. It was then (in early March) I told Drew we needed to move into the apartment. I had to get out and "live" somewhere else. I decided to go to "work" at the Kirby house four hours a day to pack up and move. Then I would come "home." To my new home.
A couple months ago Drew and I went to the Kirby House and clipped some Lilacs and walked through the yard. The grass was well overgrown. Already getting unkempt. It was sad to see, but I had no one emotional feeling of a tie to the house. After 15 years I didn't feel like I could go and just walk in the door. It was no longer ours...mine. It never was. It was our business. We were the current caretakers. I try to no long pass by and look. I have to move on.
Three years went by after Ray's death and I had this whirlwind of not knowing who "I" was. I had been "Jim and Ray" for 21 years. Half of my life. All of my adult life. I had to formulate back into who Jim was. But, who was I? What did I like. Not what did we like. I had to make all the final decisions on what to do. There was no partner/husband to consult with and talk it over. It has been a very challenging three years. I'm starting to get there, but it's all new again!
New. I'm living in a new place. I have a new job. I have a new dog. I have a new routine. I feel guilty when I'm off work because I feel like I should get up and work. Plus, I have a (somewhat) new partner. These things are coming in paces that make it a little easier to adjust to. First there was Drew. Then new home. Then new dog, then new job. Just getting into the new job routine has been a challenge for me. Seeing where I fit in with 800 other employees just here in Grand Rapids, 4,000 around the world.
My life is starting to fit in though. There are bumps along the way, but I'm getting into a routine. That is good for me. I haven't had "routine" in a long time. I like it. I start work at 2:00 p.m. I am home by 11:22 p.m. I make a drink and sit and watch "How I Met Your Mother." One more drink and flip through the TV until I am too tired to stay up. I get to sleep in before I start my next day. I have Saturdays and Sundays off. This is my third month of this routine, so It's starting to fit me. - Jimmy
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