Back In The Saddle Again

I have been battling pain in my neck and arm now for about 12 years.  In 2006 I went to "The Brain and Spine Clinic" in Holland and was diagnosed with cervical stenosis and cervical spondylosis.  (In addition I found out that my cervical spine is shaped incorrectly.)  I have gone through two rounds of physical therapy, epidural steroid shots, and medication over these last 12 years.  I have been able to keep the pain "at bay" until this last year.  I have been in so much pain and have lost strength in my right arm that I decided it was time to go back to the spine clinic.  If I don't get this taken care of it could cause permanent damage to some nerves and I would never regain strength in my arm.  So I have decided to have the surgery.

A view of my cervical spine from my MRI.

They will take four discs out of my neck and fuse it together.  I find it hard to believe that metal and screws in my neck won't hurt, but that's what I'm told.  The surgery is done from the front of the neck and I will be in a huge neck brace for three months.  That is what I dread the most.  I won't be able to drive and I am scared to death at Drew's driving.  (When he was in his early working years he was a driver for branch inter-office mail at a bank and was fired because of so many accidents.)

This is what will be in my neck.

This has been a long road but I'm finally ready to get rid of the pain.  Soon I'll be back in the saddle again.  - Jimmy

Memories

I wrote this blog about two weeks ago...

I awoke the other morning to a day off.  On my days off I like to start by looking at Facebook while lying in bed.  I get to catch up on what’s going on with everyone.  While on my iPad (thank you Booking.com) I had this idea to check out a video on YouTube.  I wanted to listen to a song that I liked back in 1992.  This song (its name not really relavant to the story) brought back strong memories and emotions.  Music does that.  I think about Christmas music and why everyone loves it so much.  It seems that no matter what genre in music you like, most everyone loves the same traditional Christmas music.  It evokes memories and traditions.  We all have that favorite song that reminds us of our first love, our mothers or fathers, and happy and sad times.

 

As I was listening to this song my memories of moving with Ray to Royal Oak came back.  I thought about how happy we were.  We were starting a new life in a new home we shared together.  As my memory serves me – those were very happy times.  As I lay in bed I start to cry.  I regret buying the bed and breakfast.  I regret moving to Saugatuck.  I feel that if we had never done that - things would be different.  I feel as though Ray might still be alive.  The B&B killed him I feel. 

 

Then I realize why my memories of past vacations seem like they have been cut off from me.  They don’t seem so real anymore.  They seem like they are of another life.  I feel that when Ray died a part of me died too.  I believe that if he were still alive my past would somehow still be alive.  It seems like everything was cut, ended, stopped, came to a halt on January 3, 2010.

I don’t get these feelings that much anymore.  At least not such strong ones, but there are things that trigger them.  This time it was music.  Next time it may be a picture or even food.  As my grief counselor advised me, I will heal and grow stronger but I will always have the scar; and like a physical scar I can look at it and remember the pain when it happened but know that it feels better today.

 

I had the great opportunity to spend a couple days with my mother, sister and three nieces.  I haven’t been able to spend a complete uninterrupted two days with them in Saugatuck since we had our condo in Douglas.  Since 1998 every visit I had with them included me having to continue to run and operate the bed and breakfast between time with them.  We either had check-ins or breakfast to do, rooms to clean or calls to answer.  I was able to spend two full days being a “tourist” with them.  It was wonderful.  My niece Megan loves Harley and wanted to take him home and get rid of their dog.  When my sister told her that I would miss my dog she replied “oh, he can facetime him.”  We rode “The Duck” (which my mother loved), ate at Clementine’s in South Haven, shopped in Saugatuck, and had “mom and son” talk time in the early mornings with coffee.  I wish it could have been longer but at least we had the time we did.

 

I feel much better today than I did the other morning.  Emotions are back in check.  Work is going great and I love working at Lakeshore Lodging.  The people I work with are what make it great.  I’ve had a real nice summer.  I got to actually spend some days at the beach, grill out, take some day trips and enjoy time on our screened porch. 

This is my life right now.  -  Jimmy