I am at peace. It's been seven years, but I am at peace this Christmastime. Since 2009, when Ray's cancer diagnosis and complications began, until just this year - I have had major anxiety, depression and dread this time of year. I've gotten through those seasons with a lot of masks. I had a mask for the depression, one for dread, one for anxiety and a number of others to cover up how I was feeling. I was open about my feelings in my blog - so anyone reading this knows what I was going through, but for others I think I hid it pretty well.
One definition of peace is "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility." I took it a step further to find the definition of "disturbance." One definition of disturbance is "the disruption of healthy functioning." That has been me. I've been living a disruption of healthy functioning. I feel that I have freedom from that. While I don't expect this to be permanent, I do strongly feel inside that I have reached a plateau. A person will never have permanent peace until one with God, but I truly feel I have reached a point in the grief process that my body, my brain, and my emotions are all working together as one...for good.
Over the last few years I have felt that my life is "over." By that I mean that I didn't see any future for me that seemed better...or bright. I do now. I feel a zest for life. I want to do more with who I am now as a different person than I was seven years ago. I want to do something different because I am different.
I am happy. I am at peace...and I think it's here to stay for a while. - Jimmy
