I Think It's Here to Stay For A While

I am at peace.  It's been seven years, but I am at peace this Christmastime.  Since 2009, when Ray's cancer diagnosis and complications began, until just this year - I have had major anxiety, depression and dread this time of year.  I've gotten through those seasons with a lot of masks.  I had a mask for the depression, one for dread, one for anxiety and a number of others to cover up how I was feeling.  I was open about my feelings in my blog - so anyone reading this knows what I was going through, but for others I think I hid it pretty well.

One definition of peace is "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility."  I took it a step further to find the definition of "disturbance."  One definition of disturbance is "the disruption of healthy functioning."  That has been me.  I've been living a disruption of healthy functioning.  I feel that I have freedom from that.  While I don't expect this to be permanent, I do strongly feel inside that I have reached a plateau.  A person will never have permanent peace until one with God, but I truly feel I have reached a point in the grief process that my body, my brain, and my emotions are all working together as one...for good. 

Over the last few years I have felt that my life is "over."  By that I mean that I didn't see any future for me that seemed better...or bright.  I do now.  I feel a zest for life.  I want to do more with who I am now as a different person than I was seven years ago.  I want to do something different because I am different. 

I am happy.  I am at peace...and I think it's here to stay for a while.  - Jimmy