Happy New Year! 2018 is here and today, January 3, 2018, marks the eighth anniversary of Ray's death. I started my morning by watching the videos that the funeral home made. I let myself cry. Otherwise I've done pretty good today.
I would like to do something tonight in honor of Ray but it's sooo COLD out that I think I just want to stay in. The temperature here has been in the single digits and wind chills are below zero, plus there has been a ton of snow. The local forecast is for 1 - 2 feet of snow in some lakeshore areas. So I'm bracing for it. I'll stop by the cemetery for sure. The weather was kind of like this the year he died. There was so much snow that winter.
I woke the morning of January 3, 2010 with Ray paging me on the house cordless phone. He was sleeping on the first floor in room 3 and I was sleeping in our innkeepers quarters. It was about 6:30 am and he was complaining about being in pain. I came down and assessed the situation. I asked him when he took his liquid dose of Vicodin last. He told me it had been several hours earlier. I reminded him he needed to take it before he felt pain. I didn't think taking it on an empty stomach would be good so I gave him a cup of pudding and some milk and then had him take the medication. He was also dealing with chronic hiccups. I told him I would call his doctor after 8:00 am. After taking his blood pressure I went back to bed for about an hour. I called the surgeon's number and got the doctor on call. He called in a prescription for his hiccups to be picked up at the Holland Meijer since the Saugatuck pharmacy counter is closed on Sunday's. I went there about 1:00 pm to pick it up. I had to wait a bit as he had never had a prescription filled there before and they had to put in the insurance information.
While I waited for the prescription I roamed the store. I picked up a Starbucks coffee (which I never drink). I put some Christmas clearance items in the cart and picked up his prescription. I headed home.
At about 5:30 pm he called me to come into the room. He had tried to get out of bed and fell to the floor. His legs gave out. He was afraid and angry - screaming "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?" I tried to lighten the atmosphere and said "Now you sound like Blanch Hudson in 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.' We know what is wrong with you and have to get your strength up. We're going to get your PET scan on Tuesday and see where we go from there." He didn't like my "Baby Jane" reference. I apologized and tried to explain that I was hoping to lighten the situation.
Friends and guests from Detroit, David and Kyle, came by to see Ray and booked a room to stay the night. Ray didn't want to see any visitors. I told him that they drove all the way from Detroit and he should make the effort. He agreed. I came out of the room to tell David and Kyle they could go in to see him. They had overheard us in the room and said they would wait till morning. They offered to take me out to dinner at Wild Dog. I was eager to go. I had been a caregiver for weeks now and running the bed and breakfast on my own. Including the BIG New Year's event. I wanted to just get out for an hour and a half and have someone else wait on me. I asked Ray if it was ok if I went. He assured me that I should go. I helped him drain his temporary ileostomy bag and got him comfortable on the couch in the room. I set the phone beside him with my cell number. I told him if anything happens he can call me or call 911. Surely I DID NOT think he would die.
When I got home from dinner I came into the room and he was sitting there with his head back resting on the top of the couch. I thought he was just resting. I came up to him calling his name...no response. I took his head in my right hand and pulled it up and looked into his eyes, which were open. His eyes appeared (to me at least) to look relieved I was there. I kept trying to get a response from him with no luck. Immediately I made a call to 911 who had me get him on the floor and begin CPR. Within minutes the First Responders were there and took over. That is when my nightmare began.
I was so fortunate to have my family of friends come to my side immediately that night. I don't know what I would have done without them by my side. Everything became a blur at that point. At 11:00 a.m. in the morning I was sitting in the funeral home planning my soul mate's funeral. Surreal is all I can say. - Jimmy
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