I Will Be "OK"

"Existential Nihilism" argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. - Wikipedia

This is how I have been feeling lately.  I've been struggling with what life is.  What MY life is.  I used to feel like I had purpose.  I had a plan.  I knew where I was going.  Or at least I thought I did.  I had someone that was going there with me.  Then he died.  Almost nine years ago now.  I should move on.  But I can't.  I'm stuck.  I feel as if I have no future to look forward to.  Part of that is because I am in a relationship with someone that literally has no future to look forward to.  He has Huntington's Disease (HD).  This disease WILL get progressively worse and the only thing we can do is try to stave off the effects as much as possible for as long as possible.  But one day his body will give in.  He will succumb to the disease and I will be left with grief yet again.

This was my choice.  When Drew and I were reacquainted eight years ago I pursued dating him.  A couple months into the "relationship" he advised me he was going to be tested for HD.  Not knowing exactly what that was I "googled" it.  The information I found out was that a person usually lives about 20 years after being diagnosed.  That seemed like a long time for me and I agreed to continue the relationship with him.  My thought was that something could happen to me physically (such as a stroke) and the tables would turn and he could end up having to care for me.  So I felt there was a risk for both of us.  There are no guarantees to anything in life.  I also asked myself the question:  "Would I have pursued a relationship with Ray if I new after 21 years he would die suddenly?" - and the response to my own question was a definite "yes."  So after Drew tested positive for HD I assured him I still wanted to pursue a relationship with him.  So, yes...I was "warned" of the consequences of having someone so close to my heart literally deteriorate in front of me.  Some may say it's my own fault, I knew what would happen...and that is true.  I don't regret my decision - he is one of the easiest person's to get along with.  He's kind, compassionate, will do ANYTHING for me, and we have MANY of the same interests such as food, television shows, and music.  Being in the relationship with him is no "work" whatsoever.  We click very well together.  It's the future I'm afraid of.

When I look at my future I sometimes think of it without him in it because I know that very likely at one point he will pass well before I will.  That scares me.  I'm afraid to get too close to him.  I find myself kind of being "stand offish" emotionally.  I'm afraid to get too attached...even though we've been together almost eight years now.  Also, having taken on the role of more of a caregiver now I feel odd if I make any sexual/romantic advances...which I no longer do.  It almost feels as if I am abusing my role as caregiver, when in reality I know that is farthest from the truth.  But the mind plays games.  What "role" am I playing today?  So in a way I just don't plan for the future.  I literally take it day by day.  Friends ask me what I will do when he needs full time care.  I just say I don't want to talk about it.  We'll address that when (and hopefully "if") that day comes.  When I come home from work each day I look at the house to see if windows are open...if I can see the tv on...is there any sign of life?  I have that on my mind because I came home to find Ray dead (my partner of 21 years who died of a heart attack after complications from colon cancer surgery).  I know that reality all too well.

So where does that leave me today?  I question life.  I question the reality of life after death.  I live each day.  But that's really all I do.  I just "live" each day.  I don't thrive to live anymore.  Maybe that's all life is really about, just "living" each day.  Trying to get through each day.  Who says it has to be more than that?  From the outside I am sure those around me have absolutely no idea how I feel.  They see me working, shopping, going out to eat, making wonderful dinners, and even organizing going to events around town (sometimes).  To me that is just a part of getting through each day.  I have no zest or excitement for life.  I just do what I have to do.  Part of it may be that I constantly worry about Drew.  I worry that he may fall down the stairs.  I worry he may choke on his food.  I worry he may fall and hit his head (I saw a cut on his forehead one day when I came home from work and asked him about it.  He said he knew nothing about it.  Last week I heard a thud from the bedroom.  I called into the room asking him what happened...he said he fell out of bed.  What?!  I journal these things so I can update his doctors on what is going on.)

So, today I go back to living for today.  I made an appointment for Drew's haircut today at 1:00.  We plan to have brunch before that at DeBoer's in Holland.  We'll shop at Aldi and maybe I will feel like going to the outlet mall in Byron Center.  I'll have a good day today.  I'll make a nice dinner for us.  We'll do our nightly routine of watching ABC Nightly News with David Muir.  Watch some "Big Bang Theory" episodes.  I just won't be doing any planning for my future yet again today.

I will be "OK." - Jimmy