It sure has been a while since I have "blogged." It is smack dab in the middle of winter right now. It is 18 degrees outside and there is plenty of SNOW! I'm off work for about two weeks so I have lots of time to catch up on things. The time will go way too fast. It does every year.
I am doing well right now, mentally, emotionally and financially. I do, however, still hold on to the past. My life moves forward, but it still feels like I'm stuck at comparing everything in my life to everything prior to January 3, 2010. It's hard to explain. It's almost like there are two of me. The one who moves forward with everyday life, and one who constantly looks back...comparing my life now to the one prior. Even when I watch TV I look at the date an episode first aired and determine if Ray was alive or dead when it aired. It's weird, but it's what I do.
Ray was my ROCK. When Ray was alive I always felt safe. I know that sounds odd, but he was the one who kept me grounded, safe and secure...with life. He always reassured me when I worried or was upset. I always knew my life would be ok if he was there for me. Being Drew's caregiver I have become the emotional support person for Drew. There is no one for me. No one to assure me everything will be ok. No one to listen to my concerns. No one to listen to my up or my downs. I can tell them to Drew, but that is all I can do. Tell him. His brain isn't programmed anymore to rationalize what I am saying and give any support or comfort to me. It depresses me at times.
I put my drinking on a hiatus as of October 18, 2021. I had pancreatitis and spent five days in the hospital back in October. It was time to give my body a break from alcohol. I'm trying to go as long as possible without having any. I feel good and have lost weight...as well as reduced bloating.
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