What's Next?

I was planning on writing in my blog a lot sooner but just couldn't get to it.  I wanted to do this during Christmas while my feelings were "raw."  But, here I go.

During the latter part of October I got COVID for the very first time.  In my personal journal I wrote the following:

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23 October 2024

Terrible day. I tested positive for Covid. First time ever. I’ve been sick since Sunday, today is Wednesday. I just realized I can’t smell or taste. I hope that’s not long term and especially not permanent. I had a horrible day thinking about Drew’s death and missing him. Cried kinda hard. Thoughts of suicide entered my mind. Leave this world like he did. Not that he committed suicide, but leave this world like he left the world but for me by suicide. What is life but pain?  Maybe I need to do things to make small differences for people. I don’t know. Too philosophical right now. I’ve got COVID, I feel like shit and I’m depressed. 

25 October 2024

I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve been cooped up for almost a week now with Covid and my mind is a mess. As odd as it sounds, I feel I need Drew back so I can take care of him. I am so lonely I have nothing to do.  The poor guy just wanted a normal life and it was so hard on him so hard on me. But I feel so horrible for what he had to go through. I am crying and crying right now harder than ever.  I really feel like I don’t have anything to live for. It’s not worth it.  It’s been six months today. 

Second HORRIBLE cry today. 

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Thanksgiving was nice.  Marguerite joined me and it was just the two of us.  It was nice and relaxing for us both.  

Marguerite and me

In early December I purchased a new car.  I only had my Honda Passport TrailSport for 1 1/2 years but there was a great deal and I was able to upgrade out of my lease.  So I got a 2025 Honda Passport TrailSport.  I got a different color though.  Blue instead of black.

I decided to decorate for Christmas this year.  I haven't put up the tree in two years because I was afraid Drew would fall into it and hurt himself.  Also, since I have my new home I thought it would be nice, and it was.  However, when I finally took it down I had this feeling that I don't want to do this again next year.  Maybe I'll put a tree up every other year.  That will probably change though come November.  

Joe and Renee came for the week of Christmas.  It was nice to have them around and keep me company.  I'm sure I would have probably got into a "funk" if I didn't have their company.  Harley liked it for a day or two but then by day three/four he was giving me a look as if to ask "When are they going home?  I want our routine back."  He was actually hiding under the bed the last three nights they were there.  They didn't stay with me but we got together each night.  

Joe, Renee and me

I do miss Drew terribly.  He was such a sweet, kind, considerate and loving soul.  I wish we could have spent more time together before his Huntington's Disease took over.  My mind keeps replaying the day he died over and over and over again.  This gives me major anxiety and sometimes depression.  My mind also keeps asking myself "What's next?"  

Drew and me January 2018