I awoke the other
morning to a day off. On my days off I
like to start by looking at Facebook while lying in bed. I get to catch up on what’s going on with
everyone. While on my iPad (thank you
Booking.com) I had this idea to check out a video on YouTube. I wanted to listen to a song that I liked
back in 1992. This song (its name not
really relavant to the story) brought back strong memories and emotions. Music does that. I think about Christmas music and why
everyone loves it so much. It seems that
no matter what genre in music you like, most everyone loves the same
traditional Christmas music. It evokes
memories and traditions. We all have
that favorite song that reminds us of our first love, our mothers or fathers,
and happy and sad times.
As I was listening to
this song my memories of moving with Ray to Royal Oak came back. I thought about how happy we were. We were starting a new life in a new home we
shared together. As my memory serves me
– those were very happy times. As I lay
in bed I start to cry. I regret buying
the bed and breakfast. I regret moving
to Saugatuck. I feel that if we had
never done that - things would be different.
I feel as though Ray might still be alive. The B&B killed him I feel.
Then I realize why my
memories of past vacations seem like they have been cut off from me. They don’t seem so real anymore. They seem like they are of another life. I feel that when Ray died a part of me died
too. I believe that if he were still
alive my past would somehow still be alive.
It seems like everything was cut, ended, stopped, came to a halt on
January 3, 2010.
I don’t get these feelings that much anymore. At least not such strong ones, but there are things that trigger them. This time it was music. Next time it may be a picture or even food. As my grief counselor advised me, I will heal and grow stronger but I will always have the scar; and like a physical scar I can look at it and remember the pain when it happened but know that it feels better today.
I had the great
opportunity to spend a couple days with my mother, sister and three
nieces. I haven’t been able to spend a
complete uninterrupted two days with them in Saugatuck since we had our condo
in Douglas. Since 1998 every visit I had
with them included me having to continue to run and operate the bed and
breakfast between time with them. We
either had check-ins or breakfast to do, rooms to clean or calls to
answer. I was able to spend two full
days being a “tourist” with them. It was
wonderful. My niece Megan loves Harley
and wanted to take him home and get rid of their dog. When my sister told her that I would miss my
dog she replied “oh, he can facetime him.”
We rode “The Duck” (which my mother loved), ate at Clementine’s in South
Haven, shopped in Saugatuck, and had “mom and son” talk time in the early
mornings with coffee. I wish it could
have been longer but at least we had the time we did.
I feel much better today
than I did the other morning. Emotions
are back in check. Work is going great
and I love working at Lakeshore Lodging.
The people I work with are what make it great. I’ve had a real nice summer. I got to actually spend some days at the
beach, grill out, take some day trips and enjoy time on our screened
porch.
This is my life right
now. -
Jimmy
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