That Makes Me Happy

 As it was with Ray's passing, music is playing an emotional role in my dealing with Drew's death.  So many songs remind me of when he and I started dating.  It hurts so much.  I really thought that I would have a longer time together with Drew.  Fourteen years is quite a while...but for me going through all the crap of grieving is too much sometimes.  My stomach hurts.  My mind whirls with thoughts.  My eyes tear up.  I really miss Drew much more than I thought I would.  His disease was so tough on him AND me that I thought I would almost feel complete relief when he was gone.  Relief from the stress...emotionally, physically and mentally.  But it's not that way.  

During his last year I would purposely hold his hand very intentionally, trying to take in all the physical memories of him.  I knew he would be leaving me soon and I just wanted to hold him, hug him and touch him.  When Ray died it was so sudden I couldn't do that.  I would stare at Drew at times just thinking about him, trying to take in his physical appearance...knowing he would be gone soon.  

I'm alone now with my two kitties and dog.  They keep me company but I kind of miss taking care of Drew.  He depended on me.  He relied on me.  I'm glad I was there to take care of him to the end.  That makes me happy.    

Gotta Go

 I moved.  This was not anything I planned on doing...ever again, but the opportunity came and I moved on it.

I now own my own place.  A big leap, but one that I think will be best for me.  I spent 12 years at our old place and there are just so many memories of Ray's recent passing (when we moved in) and all the horrible issues Drew had to deal with.  This new place has no connection to Ray or Drew.  I don't believe I am "rushing" anything as I have already been through this who scenario before.  I now have the experience of how to deal with things maybe a little better now.

Since Drew died Harely has only slept with me twice.  And that was because I brought him to bed with me.  Prior to Drew's passing Harley would sleep between my legs EVERY night.  Last night I brough Harley to bed with me and he slept under the covers with me all night.

Gotta go.  Jimmy

Reduced Bloating

 It sure has been a while since I have "blogged."  It is smack dab in the middle of winter right now.  It is 18 degrees outside and there is plenty of SNOW!  I'm off work for about two weeks so I have lots of time to catch up on things.  The time will go way too fast.  It does every year.

I am doing well right now, mentally, emotionally and financially.  I do, however, still hold on to the past.  My life moves forward, but it still feels like I'm stuck at comparing everything in my life to everything prior to January 3, 2010.  It's hard to explain.  It's almost like there are two of me.  The one who moves forward with everyday life, and one who constantly looks back...comparing my life now to the one prior.  Even when I watch TV I look at the date an episode first aired and determine if Ray was alive or dead when it aired.  It's weird, but it's what I do.  

Ray was my ROCK.  When Ray was alive I always felt safe.  I know that sounds odd, but he was the one who kept me grounded, safe and secure...with life.  He always reassured me when I worried or was upset.  I always knew my life would be ok if he was there for me.  Being Drew's caregiver I have become the emotional support person for Drew.  There is no one for me.  No one to assure me everything will be ok.  No one to listen to my concerns.  No one to listen to my up or my downs.  I can tell them to Drew, but that is all I can do.  Tell him.  His brain isn't programmed anymore to rationalize what I am saying and give any support or comfort to me.  It depresses me at times.  

I put my drinking on a hiatus as of October 18, 2021.  I had pancreatitis and spent five days in the hospital back in October.  It was time to give my body a break from alcohol.  I'm trying to go as long as possible without having any.  I feel good and have lost weight...as well as reduced bloating.  

Take Care of Me

My birthday. Today I have been totally depressed, grouchy and crabby. I want someone to take care of ME today.-Jimmy

This Is My Life Now

Christmas is over...thank God!  It was an anxious and exhausting one for me.  First of all, Drew is at a point in his Huntington's Disease progression where he can't really do anything to "help me out."  So all cleaning, laundry, bed making, cooking, baking, bill paying, prescription filling, haircut and doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. are all dependent upon me.  Add the holidays to the mixture and it's a real whammo!

In addition there is the dealing with all of his obsessions and messes he creates that I have to clean up.  I never get mad at him but it's frustrating and exhausting to me.  The obsessions.  He will be on the couch covered in blankets, many, many blankets.  Then he uncovers, stands up, rearranges the blankets and tries to get back down just to redo the process two minutes later.  Then get up and go into the bathroom and come back, cover up then get up and go into the bedroom for nothing, then the kitchen, then back to the couch to lay down, stand up and repeat this process over and over and over and over.  In addition he constantly mumbles "mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmmm."  His poor brain is just being eating and who knows what parts are being deteriorated.  I survive each day...along with him, not knowing what new HD adventures will be coming our way.  I'm trying to care for him at home as much as possible as I don't want to have him reside in a "home" - but I don't know how much longer this can be done for his best interests.  I woke up in October to find the glass top of the living room coffee table shattered.  He fell into it.  He loses balance and drops and spills things.  That is not good for him.  I'm sure I will know when the time is right if we have to make that decision.

This is  my life now. - Jimmy

Peace

Well Mackinac Island turned out to be a perfect getaway.  I was at peace and felt like I was "at home" there.  Drew and I visited the Grand Hotel, did a carriage ride tour of the island (which Ray and I never did) and enjoyed some nice meals.  I saw the same desk clerk/manager there that was there every time Ray and I visited.  She has been there close to 20 plus years now.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of the "anniversaries."  It was 10 years ago tomorrow Ray was diagnosed with cancer.  Usually at this time of year the anxieties and dread fill my body.  This year is truly different.  In the past I have blogged about being "at peace" and "being good" but right now I feel a complete level of peace and satisfaction in my life.  It's hard to explain.  I hardly ever cry (or even tear up) about my loss.  I am comfortable about who "I AM" and have accepted so much about where I am in life right now.  I am happy with ME.

And then there is Drew's Huntington's Disease (HD).  This will inevitably kill him but we are doing all we can to stave it off.  We have numerous appointments with professionals, constantly refill and update medications, and try to safeguard him.  For me it's pretty much close to a full time job.  My biggest concern right now is his weight.  He just won't eat.  He says he isn't hungry.  I've talked to all of his doctors about this and there's not much more I can do other than literally force feed him (which he won't let me do).  His neurologist put him on a new drug (which I am picking up today) which is supposed to help with his sleep and help build his appetite.  His ability to speak is becoming much more difficult however he appears to be conscious of what is going on around him and in world events.  He is slowly losing ability to care for himself as I now have to shave his face and cut his fingernails.  He can still shower and dress himself.  Unfortunately it is a disease that slowly deteriorates the brain so you never know what area is being "killed off" in any one person.  I am just trying to do my best to give him the best life I can...it's difficult.

Thanksgiving is just a week away.  We will be going shopping tomorrow to gather most of the items. It will be good for Drew to get out of the house.  I have made him stay inside due to all the snow and ice.  I do not want him falling.  This year I am not cooking an entire turkey.  I am cooking legs, thighs and breast.  Our friends Joe and Renee will be here to have dinner with us.  It's been a tradition with them now for about four or five years.  It will be a small gathering but a perfect size one this year.

Peace! - Jimmy

The Mackinac Island Trip

It's been 10 years since I've been to Mackinac Island.  It was just three months before Ray died.  I was never ready to go back...but now I am.  I made reservations about six weeks ago and Drew and I are leaving tomorrow, September 24, 2019.  We are staying three nights...returning Friday,  September 27.  Drew has never been to the Island and he is really looking forward to it.  I really wasn't wanting to spend the money but we both need a getaway and I want to do something with Drew while he is still mobile and mostly independent.  I really don't know how much longer that will last.  

Two weeks ago we found out that one of Drew's sister's (who was also suffering from Huntington's Disease) passed away.  Apparently she was "skin and bones," could no longer talk and could not eat solid food anymore.  She was four years older than Drew.  This scares me because Drew has lost so much weight and he isn't gaining any.  He is pretty much "skin and bones" right now.  No one dies "FROM" HD, they die from complications that come from having HD (falling, choking, accidents, etc.).  I feel that Drew's demise will be his weight loss.  I'm afraid his body will shut down.  As odd as it sounds I have prepared myself for this.  I know it will happen and unless I die from some freak accident Drew WILL die before me - so I have to be ready.  Of course Ray's death and aftermath prepared me for this type of thing.  Drew and I have already discussed cremation, burial site, etc.  I guess I need to ask him what type of "service" he would like.  This, of course, may be 10 years down the road but it could be months down the road - I have learned it is important to be ready!  

So, with that on mind...I'm truly looking forward to the Mackinac Island trip!  

-Jimmy