So There Is That

Summer 2025 is in full swing!  

Yesterday morning I spent a little time enjoying my porch/deck with Harley.  Just sat and drank my coffee.  Then I put my new power washer together and did some power washing.  

By early afternoon I headed to Douglas Beach.  I took a good hour plus walk along the Lakeshore.  I was determined to find some beach glass, but only found 1 brown piece.  At least I found something.  The waves were pretty decent and the water felt good on my legs.  The fresh air mixed with the smell of the lake brought back memories of summer vacations.  The wonderful feeling of no other worries of the day was palpable.  No need to think about guests checking in, rooms to clean, laundry to do, etc.  I always felt the B&B was more work than Ray did (probably because I did most of the "work."  Seriously.).  Ray could let his mind run free and dream, I always felt a sense of responsibility and thoughts of work that had to be done.  Then, after the B&B, I had Drew to care for.  Although in the beginning he was quite independent - I still knew I had a sense of responsibility for his care.  Yesterday, I didn't have a care in the world.  It felt like vacation.  

My current view as I write in my blog.

After the beach I headed to Holland.  I got the car washed, got some necessary items at Wal-Mart and looked for white shorts (to wear for the July 4th holiday at work).  I couldn't find ANY white shorts at Wal-Mart, TJ Maxx, Burlington or Sierra.  I stopped at The Bearded Dutchman Meat Market and got some Sweet Italian Brats, ground veal for a future Bolognase sauce recipe and some Canadian Bacon for a homemade recipe of Boston Baked Beans.  

Harley on the porch this morning.

My enjoyable day continued into the evening.  I cut the lawn, which looks great!  I've been keeping it watered all summer so far.  Then I BBQ'd a brat, boiled some corn on the Cobb and had potato salad for dinner.  I went to bed with a smile on my face and a dog cuddled under the covers next to my legs.  

Today I plan to continue my enjoyable summer.  I am going to the farmer's market in South Haven, maybe check for white shorts at Glik's, stop at Aldi for some things and hopefully go to the beach again for a nice walk.  I may try to get my extra propane tank filled for my gas fire pit/table.  

I still have depression/anxiety, which I hear is common for caregivers.  It would seem like it would be so easy to just move on, but the scars are there and they are very deep.  There's guilt for things you think you should or could have done differently.  There's guilt that your life moves on in the aftermath of their death.  The grim reality of death (for yourself one day) haunts you.  I tell myself that "others have it worse" but that's kind of a morbid way to try to "feel better" about your situation.  So, I try hard to keep busy with things that give me joy  Unfortunately one of those joys is retail therapy (shopping).  I don't have unlimited income (I don't know anyone that does) so I have to be careful, but it makes me happy.  Fortunately my new home makes me so happy too.  So there is that.

Without You There's No Me

It's not like I can explain what's in my heart

It's just I feel a crazy pain when we're apart
I don't wanna breathe, I don't wanna think
I don't wanna learn, I don't wanna do anything
It's not like I can describe what's going on
It's just I feel I'm not alive when you're not home
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna be
I just want you here beside me
Without you there's no me

- Michael Jackson "Why?"  

That Makes Me Happy

 As it was with Ray's passing, music is playing an emotional role in my dealing with Drew's death.  So many songs remind me of when he and I started dating.  It hurts so much.  I really thought that I would have a longer time together with Drew.  Fourteen years is quite a while...but for me going through all the crap of grieving is too much sometimes.  My stomach hurts.  My mind whirls with thoughts.  My eyes tear up.  I really miss Drew much more than I thought I would.  His disease was so tough on him AND me that I thought I would almost feel complete relief when he was gone.  Relief from the stress...emotionally, physically and mentally.  But it's not that way.  

During his last year I would purposely hold his hand very intentionally, trying to take in all the physical memories of him.  I knew he would be leaving me soon and I just wanted to hold him, hug him and touch him.  When Ray died it was so sudden I couldn't do that.  I would stare at Drew at times just thinking about him, trying to take in his physical appearance...knowing he would be gone soon.  

I'm alone now with my two kitties and dog.  They keep me company but I kind of miss taking care of Drew.  He depended on me.  He relied on me.  I'm glad I was there to take care of him to the end.  That makes me happy.    

Gotta Go

 I moved.  This was not anything I planned on doing...ever again, but the opportunity came and I moved on it.

I now own my own place.  A big leap, but one that I think will be best for me.  I spent 12 years at our old place and there are just so many memories of Ray's recent passing (when we moved in) and all the horrible issues Drew had to deal with.  This new place has no connection to Ray or Drew.  I don't believe I am "rushing" anything as I have already been through this who scenario before.  I now have the experience of how to deal with things maybe a little better now.

Since Drew died Harely has only slept with me twice.  And that was because I brought him to bed with me.  Prior to Drew's passing Harley would sleep between my legs EVERY night.  Last night I brough Harley to bed with me and he slept under the covers with me all night.

Gotta go.  Jimmy

Reduced Bloating

 It sure has been a while since I have "blogged."  It is smack dab in the middle of winter right now.  It is 18 degrees outside and there is plenty of SNOW!  I'm off work for about two weeks so I have lots of time to catch up on things.  The time will go way too fast.  It does every year.

I am doing well right now, mentally, emotionally and financially.  I do, however, still hold on to the past.  My life moves forward, but it still feels like I'm stuck at comparing everything in my life to everything prior to January 3, 2010.  It's hard to explain.  It's almost like there are two of me.  The one who moves forward with everyday life, and one who constantly looks back...comparing my life now to the one prior.  Even when I watch TV I look at the date an episode first aired and determine if Ray was alive or dead when it aired.  It's weird, but it's what I do.  

Ray was my ROCK.  When Ray was alive I always felt safe.  I know that sounds odd, but he was the one who kept me grounded, safe and secure...with life.  He always reassured me when I worried or was upset.  I always knew my life would be ok if he was there for me.  Being Drew's caregiver I have become the emotional support person for Drew.  There is no one for me.  No one to assure me everything will be ok.  No one to listen to my concerns.  No one to listen to my up or my downs.  I can tell them to Drew, but that is all I can do.  Tell him.  His brain isn't programmed anymore to rationalize what I am saying and give any support or comfort to me.  It depresses me at times.  

I put my drinking on a hiatus as of October 18, 2021.  I had pancreatitis and spent five days in the hospital back in October.  It was time to give my body a break from alcohol.  I'm trying to go as long as possible without having any.  I feel good and have lost weight...as well as reduced bloating.  

Take Care of Me

My birthday. Today I have been totally depressed, grouchy and crabby. I want someone to take care of ME today.-Jimmy

This Is My Life Now

Christmas is over...thank God!  It was an anxious and exhausting one for me.  First of all, Drew is at a point in his Huntington's Disease progression where he can't really do anything to "help me out."  So all cleaning, laundry, bed making, cooking, baking, bill paying, prescription filling, haircut and doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. are all dependent upon me.  Add the holidays to the mixture and it's a real whammo!

In addition there is the dealing with all of his obsessions and messes he creates that I have to clean up.  I never get mad at him but it's frustrating and exhausting to me.  The obsessions.  He will be on the couch covered in blankets, many, many blankets.  Then he uncovers, stands up, rearranges the blankets and tries to get back down just to redo the process two minutes later.  Then get up and go into the bathroom and come back, cover up then get up and go into the bedroom for nothing, then the kitchen, then back to the couch to lay down, stand up and repeat this process over and over and over and over.  In addition he constantly mumbles "mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmmm."  His poor brain is just being eating and who knows what parts are being deteriorated.  I survive each day...along with him, not knowing what new HD adventures will be coming our way.  I'm trying to care for him at home as much as possible as I don't want to have him reside in a "home" - but I don't know how much longer this can be done for his best interests.  I woke up in October to find the glass top of the living room coffee table shattered.  He fell into it.  He loses balance and drops and spills things.  That is not good for him.  I'm sure I will know when the time is right if we have to make that decision.

This is  my life now. - Jimmy