It's not like I can explain what's in my heart
It's just I feel a crazy pain when we're apartI don't wanna breathe, I don't wanna thinkI don't wanna learn, I don't wanna do anythingIt's not like I can describe what's going onIt's just I feel I'm not alive when you're not homeI don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna beI just want you here beside meWithout you there's no meI was planning on writing in my blog a lot sooner but just couldn't get to it. I wanted to do this during Christmas while my feelings were "raw." But, here I go.
During the latter part of October I got COVID for the very first time. In my personal journal I wrote the following:
Thanksgiving was nice. Marguerite joined me and it was just the two of us. It was nice and relaxing for us both.
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| Marguerite and me |
In early December I purchased a new car. I only had my Honda Passport TrailSport for 1 1/2 years but there was a great deal and I was able to upgrade out of my lease. So I got a 2025 Honda Passport TrailSport. I got a different color though. Blue instead of black.
I decided to decorate for Christmas this year. I haven't put up the tree in two years because I was afraid Drew would fall into it and hurt himself. Also, since I have my new home I thought it would be nice, and it was. However, when I finally took it down I had this feeling that I don't want to do this again next year. Maybe I'll put a tree up every other year. That will probably change though come November.
Joe and Renee came for the week of Christmas. It was nice to have them around and keep me company. I'm sure I would have probably got into a "funk" if I didn't have their company. Harley liked it for a day or two but then by day three/four he was giving me a look as if to ask "When are they going home? I want our routine back." He was actually hiding under the bed the last three nights they were there. They didn't stay with me but we got together each night.
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| Joe, Renee and me |
I do miss Drew terribly. He was such a sweet, kind, considerate and loving soul. I wish we could have spent more time together before his Huntington's Disease took over. My mind keeps replaying the day he died over and over and over again. This gives me major anxiety and sometimes depression. My mind also keeps asking myself "What's next?"
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| Drew and me January 2018 |
As it was with Ray's passing, music is playing an emotional role in my dealing with Drew's death. So many songs remind me of when he and I started dating. It hurts so much. I really thought that I would have a longer time together with Drew. Fourteen years is quite a while...but for me going through all the crap of grieving is too much sometimes. My stomach hurts. My mind whirls with thoughts. My eyes tear up. I really miss Drew much more than I thought I would. His disease was so tough on him AND me that I thought I would almost feel complete relief when he was gone. Relief from the stress...emotionally, physically and mentally. But it's not that way.
During his last year I would purposely hold his hand very intentionally, trying to take in all the physical memories of him. I knew he would be leaving me soon and I just wanted to hold him, hug him and touch him. When Ray died it was so sudden I couldn't do that. I would stare at Drew at times just thinking about him, trying to take in his physical appearance...knowing he would be gone soon.
I'm alone now with my two kitties and dog. They keep me company but I kind of miss taking care of Drew. He depended on me. He relied on me. I'm glad I was there to take care of him to the end. That makes me happy.
I moved. This was not anything I planned on doing...ever again, but the opportunity came and I moved on it.
I now own my own place. A big leap, but one that I think will be best for me. I spent 12 years at our old place and there are just so many memories of Ray's recent passing (when we moved in) and all the horrible issues Drew had to deal with. This new place has no connection to Ray or Drew. I don't believe I am "rushing" anything as I have already been through this who scenario before. I now have the experience of how to deal with things maybe a little better now.
Since Drew died Harely has only slept with me twice. And that was because I brought him to bed with me. Prior to Drew's passing Harley would sleep between my legs EVERY night. Last night I brough Harley to bed with me and he slept under the covers with me all night.
Gotta go. Jimmy
It sure has been a while since I have "blogged." It is smack dab in the middle of winter right now. It is 18 degrees outside and there is plenty of SNOW! I'm off work for about two weeks so I have lots of time to catch up on things. The time will go way too fast. It does every year.
I am doing well right now, mentally, emotionally and financially. I do, however, still hold on to the past. My life moves forward, but it still feels like I'm stuck at comparing everything in my life to everything prior to January 3, 2010. It's hard to explain. It's almost like there are two of me. The one who moves forward with everyday life, and one who constantly looks back...comparing my life now to the one prior. Even when I watch TV I look at the date an episode first aired and determine if Ray was alive or dead when it aired. It's weird, but it's what I do.
Ray was my ROCK. When Ray was alive I always felt safe. I know that sounds odd, but he was the one who kept me grounded, safe and secure...with life. He always reassured me when I worried or was upset. I always knew my life would be ok if he was there for me. Being Drew's caregiver I have become the emotional support person for Drew. There is no one for me. No one to assure me everything will be ok. No one to listen to my concerns. No one to listen to my up or my downs. I can tell them to Drew, but that is all I can do. Tell him. His brain isn't programmed anymore to rationalize what I am saying and give any support or comfort to me. It depresses me at times.
I put my drinking on a hiatus as of October 18, 2021. I had pancreatitis and spent five days in the hospital back in October. It was time to give my body a break from alcohol. I'm trying to go as long as possible without having any. I feel good and have lost weight...as well as reduced bloating.
