The Easter Story

This was one of the best Easter Sunday's I've ever had.  Drew and I ate breakfast with our one (and only) guest.  Tons of food.  Ham and cheese omelette, bacon, baked Dutch apple pancake and hash browns.  Then, Drew and I walked to the Easter parade in downtown Douglas.  Later we cut daffodils, forsythia and pussy-willows in my yard and "around town."  These were put in vases around the house.  Friedl came by and hid the Easter eggs we colored.  Drew, Philip and I hunted for the eggs.  Truly, it was so much fun.  We actually missed eggs that were right in our view.  Then, we had Easter dinner.  After that we watched "The King's Speech."  It was a packed day...full of activities. 

I went to the cemetery today to visit Ray.  I said he must be celebrating big time up in Heaven...after all today is the day celebrating the resurrection of Jesus.  I told him to be careful and not celebrate too much...Jesus made some real good wine here on Earth.

My meds must have kicked back in.  I've been feeling real good lately.  I had some "sentimental" moments today.  I looked at a picture of Ray and I on Mackinac Island.  It was one of those pictures that looks like an "old time" photo...sepia tone.  Ray is lying in a claw-foot bathtub and I am holding a gun at him pointed at his crotch...it is such a fun picture.  I looked at it (without crying) with sentimental feelings. 

I love Easter.  Maybe because it comes right at the time of new growth/birth.  I walked through the yard today looking at everything coming up in the gardens.  A month ago everything looked so dead...today there is new life popping up everywhere.  A reminder to me that after death life returns.  Death and then new life...the Easter story.  - Jimmy 

Coloring Easter Eggs, Refrigerator, Moscow and Easter Baskets

Saturday morning....8:35 a.m.  A beautiful spring rain is going on outside and I have a window open, enjoying the fresh air.  Mondo sits in the window taking it all in.

Yesterday I emptied the old refrigerator in the pantry and Drew and I moved it out.  We got the new fridge in the house without incident and it's up and running.  I have to do some "reconstruction" in the pantry to make it fit (it is bigger than the old one).  Then I can take out the old dishwasher and put the new dishwasher in.  The new refrigerator is great!  There is so much more room and easier to get at things.

Later in the evening Friedl came over.  We had "birthday dinner" left-overs then we colored eggs.  (I'll post a picture of that later).  You would think we all reverted to 12 year olds coloring our Easter eggs.  Friedl is going to hide them tomorrow and then four of us will go Easter Egg Hunting. 

Friedl is making Easter dinner at her house and bringing it over here for us all to eat.  Dinner guests include Friedl (obviously), Drew, Tim (Drew's friend), Philip and me.  It sounds like a great day to me! 

I'm feeling bad for Moscow lately.  She is having a difficult time jumping up onto chairs, beds, sofa, etc.  Most times she climbs up using her claws but now that seems to be challenging for her.  I have been picking her up now when she comes alongside me by a chair or the bed.  She must be getting arthritis...old age. 

I had such a great time on my birthday.  Drew put together the most awesome dinner.  Many friends came by and gave me well wishes...AND presents!  I'm blessed. 

I plan to go to Chicago on Tuesday.  I'm taking Drew back home and spending a couple days there.  There are some stores I want to "hit" and then come home Thursday.  I've got tons of jobs and projects to do before the season starts. 

Today I will go to Meijer.  I have to do some Easter basket shopping.  I'm making Drew stay home...I don't want him to see what the Easter bunny is getting.  - Jimmy

My Birthday!

Made it back from Chicago last night about 8:30 p.m.  It was a whirlwind trip.  Friedl's health check-up came up all "thumbs up." 

Today is a beautiful sunny day.  No precipitation, no strong winds, and...it's my birthday!  Drew and Friedl are organizing a birthday dinner/party for me.  It's so nice to have such great friends that want to make you feel special...and want to come over to celebrate with you.

I visited Ray at the cemetery today.  It's my second birthday without him.  As I read the top of his tombstone ("In our hearts forever")...I thought..."that is so true."  He will ALWAYS be in my heart forever.  As much as my life moves forward and changes made, he will always be there. - Jimmy

A Pretty Boring Life

I'm up early.  Of course I could sleep in today...not guests this morning...but alas...I am awake.  I'm glad yesterday is over.  Today will be a new day to start fresh.  I guess the memories of Ray and my dad yesterday were just too much for me.  Another "milestone" I guess.  Or maybe just a bump in the road, one that I will always come across.  (I don't think the cold and snow we had yesterday helped any with my emotions.)

I am going to Chicago today.  Friedl, Drew and I are leaving about 2:00 p.m.  We'll go to dinner there and spend the night at Drew's.  Then tomorrow we will take Friedl to her doctor's appointment at Northwestern and Drew and I are going to pick up a new/used refrigerator and dishwasher for me.  After that we'll pick up Friedl and head home.  A short visit.

A pretty boring life....Jimmy

Memories Make It Hard

Today was a difficult day for me.  I woke about 5:30 a.m.  Look outside and saw snow.  For some reason my mind went to the evening of Ray's death.  Emotion overtook me...I broke down and cried.  Thoughts of January 3, 2010...9:10 p.m.  It was reliving "hell."  I fell back to sleep...a deep sleep.  I awoke feeling emotionional.

This afternoon I went to my financial consultant to take care of moving some stock Ray had in Prudential.  He showed me how we have moved Ray's IRA's into mine and how his accounts were mingled into mine....his name showing fewer and fewer on our financial statements.  It was too much for me.  Tears started but I held them back as much as I could.  When I left the office I broke down in the car.  I cried hard.  It just seems that this will never end.  It's like a knife still slowly stabbing me...reminding me that Ray is gone and will never be back.  Slowly being erased from my life. 

Today is also the 16th anniversary of my dad's death.  Not that this had any effect on my emotional status today...but maybe it did.

I guess one can never get over the death of their spouse/partner.  I miss Ray so much.  I am trying to live a new life....but memories make it hard. - Jimmy

Titanic

Yesterday's weather was quite a tease.  It was as sunny and warm as it was in the Caiiribbean.  Temps hit 83 degrees!  How awesome was that?!  It was nice to spend a little time in the yard.

This weekend is the "Last Dinner Aboard the Titanic" here at the Kirby House.  I am pretty ready for it.  I have my menu all set now I have to get all the ingredients and will start preparation on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to it.  I know Ray would be so impressed that I've taken on this challenge.  He always believed in me and told me "you can do it." 

As I am typing this Wiley is actually laying on top of my wrist.  He wants to be sooo close to me.  He was so happy when I got home on Thursday.  I'm feeling good today. - Jimmy

Thoughts Of The Last Two Weeks

I am home.  Lying in bed with my two kitties....Wiley and Mondo.  Friedl had me over for dinner Thursday night after I got home.  It was a nice "welcome back."

I had a wonderful time on my vacation.  Spending time with my mom is always a pleasure.  We ate wonderful meals, went whale watching (yes, we saw whales), took a guided tour of Granada, went shopping on Aruba, Bon Aire and St. Thomas and I spent the afternoon at the beach on the Bahamas.  In spite of the wonderful adventures and time with my mom I felt lonely.  It is hard to explain (and I know my mom is reading this).  It was even more pronounced this year than last.  Maybe last year I was still just "numb."  We were in the same cabin on the same ship that Ray and I were in when we first cruised.  That gave me some sentimental feelings, but I don't think that is why I felt the way I did.  At night I had my own silent tears.  At times I imagined Ray was with me, just to make me feel better. 

I guess I have come to the realization that I will never "be over" Ray.  I may make a new life for myself.  I may even have a new love one day.  However, Ray is part of me forever.  I still look at pictures of him and think how handsome he was.  When I first met him I knew he was "totally my type."  I loved his eyes, smile, height, hair, and especially his body.  And who couldn't love his personality.  At times he was very quiet and reserved....especially in the morning.  But, give him a couple cocktails in the evening and you couldn't shut him up.  That's OK, that was Ray.  Sometimes a little to the extreme, but we all have our extremes. 

I started to do crossword puzzles while on the cruise.  Ray would be so proud of me.  I actually finished a few.  Granted, these were puzzles for children, but it's a start.  Whenever Ray finished a puzzle he would show it to me and say "read it and weep."  Not sure exactly why he said that, but I will never forget it.  I even got my mom interested in the puzzles.  It is a great "time killer."  My grandma always did the TV Guide puzzles.  I even took them on the beach in the Bahamas.  I was sitting on the lounge chair, one leg propped up doing a puzzle and I pictured Ray in the exact same position as me doing his puzzles.  He always had at least a dozen (from the newpapers) in a pile he would be working on at the same time at the pool.  He would set them down....forget about them and in the morning you could see them in the woods, blown there by the night's wind.  A pen, here and there, was always found in the woods around the pool as well.

I called my realtor about two months ago about selling the Kirby House.  She was going on vacation and said she would call me in three weeks.  She told me to get my financials together and a list of items that would be part of the inventory in the sale.  I started the inventory list.  She called me a couple days before I left for my vacation.  I told her to call me on the Monday after I got back.  After lots of thought during my time away I decided to put the sale on hold.  I'm going to try to keep moving on and make this work.  Maybe see how things go over the next year and decide then. 

The difficult thing for me is that I have to make ALL my decisions alone.  I can't bounce them off Ray.  We could have discussions about our major (and minor) decisions and come to a mutual decision.  I, now, have to do that alone.  It is really difficult.  REALLY difficult.  A spouse/significant other is so much more than just a companion.  It truly is your "other half."  It's more than just love and sex...it's half of you.  And, when they're gone you are so alone.  Even when around a lot of friends...you feel so alone. 

I've been dating a wonderful guy named Drew.  He was a guest here about six years ago and Ray and I knew him and his friends during that time.  We started dating in October and it's been wonderful.  Especially since he knew Ray.  He understands my grief and even consoled me at times when I broke down in tears.  He knows I still love (and miss) Ray and he understands it.  He knows my sadness and knows I will never get over Ray.  Drew is one of the sweetest, most sincere and caring person's I have ever met.  I am totally comfortable (and able to be myself) when I am around him.  He lives in Chicago so we see each other only about a week to ten days a month.  I know almost all of his friends as they have all stayed here at the Kirby House...and Ray and I have been to parties with all of them in Chicago as well as here in Saugatuck.  I guess I'm writing about all of this because in spite of this wonderful person that is currently in my life I still feel alone.  I will never "get over" Ray and Drew knows this. 

I'm looking at Mondo right know.  He is stretched out on a bench looking outside...napping.  He made me smile.  He is so happy.  I think how lucky I am.  He was going to be "put down" and my friend, Teresa, took him home to foster him because she knew someone would give him a home.  I can't imagine him being put down.  He is so happy now and such a wonderful, playful cat.  He has helped make my heart happier.

I am a blessed person.  I've written about how alone I feel, but that is not my whole life.  I am blessed with wonderful family and friends.  My family, Ray's family...all my Saugatuck/Douglas friends.  They have all been a blessing to me.  I thank God for all of them.  I truly do.  Every day I thank God for my great family and friends. 

Last night Marguerite and I went to the Wild Dog, a restaurant in Douglas.  We had calamari and I had the Wild Dog burger and Marg had the fish tacos.  We had a great time.  When we came back to the Kirby we watched a home video from 1995.  It was so nice to see and hear Ray.  I am so happy I have these videos to keep his memory alive in me.  Sometimes I wonder, though, if having the pictures and videos make it harder to let go.  Before videos and pictures a person was left with only the memories in their head.  Now, a person can see and hear their loved ones as if they are still around.  Is that good or bad? 

Well, those are my thought for today....thoughts of the last two weeks.  - Jimmy

Lot's of Love

Back on land and back in Detroit...although not home yet.  We landed today in Detroit at about 3:00 p.m.  My brother-in-law (Brian) picked us up at the airport and took us back to my mom's place.  We then had dinner at my sister and brother-in-law's house.

Lot's of thoughts on my mind over the last two weeks.  I will share those in my blog tomorrow after I officially get home.  I am ready to see my "babies"...Wiley, Moscow and Mondo.

Lots of love.  - Jimmy