I am home. Lying in bed with my two kitties....Wiley and Mondo. Friedl had me over for dinner Thursday night after I got home. It was a nice "welcome back."
I had a wonderful time on my vacation. Spending time with my mom is always a pleasure. We ate wonderful meals, went whale watching (yes, we saw whales), took a guided tour of Granada, went shopping on Aruba, Bon Aire and St. Thomas and I spent the afternoon at the beach on the Bahamas. In spite of the wonderful adventures and time with my mom I felt lonely. It is hard to explain (and I know my mom is reading this). It was even more pronounced this year than last. Maybe last year I was still just "numb." We were in the same cabin on the same ship that Ray and I were in when we first cruised. That gave me some sentimental feelings, but I don't think that is why I felt the way I did. At night I had my own silent tears. At times I imagined Ray was with me, just to make me feel better.
I guess I have come to the realization that I will never "be over" Ray. I may make a new life for myself. I may even have a new love one day. However, Ray is part of me forever. I still look at pictures of him and think how handsome he was. When I first met him I knew he was "totally my type." I loved his eyes, smile, height, hair, and especially his body. And who couldn't love his personality. At times he was very quiet and reserved....especially in the morning. But, give him a couple cocktails in the evening and you couldn't shut him up. That's OK, that was Ray. Sometimes a little to the extreme, but we all have our extremes.
I started to do crossword puzzles while on the cruise. Ray would be so proud of me. I actually finished a few. Granted, these were puzzles for children, but it's a start. Whenever Ray finished a puzzle he would show it to me and say "read it and weep." Not sure exactly why he said that, but I will never forget it. I even got my mom interested in the puzzles. It is a great "time killer." My grandma always did the TV Guide puzzles. I even took them on the beach in the Bahamas. I was sitting on the lounge chair, one leg propped up doing a puzzle and I pictured Ray in the exact same position as me doing his puzzles. He always had at least a dozen (from the newpapers) in a pile he would be working on at the same time at the pool. He would set them down....forget about them and in the morning you could see them in the woods, blown there by the night's wind. A pen, here and there, was always found in the woods around the pool as well.
I called my realtor about two months ago about selling the Kirby House. She was going on vacation and said she would call me in three weeks. She told me to get my financials together and a list of items that would be part of the inventory in the sale. I started the inventory list. She called me a couple days before I left for my vacation. I told her to call me on the Monday after I got back. After lots of thought during my time away I decided to put the sale on hold. I'm going to try to keep moving on and make this work. Maybe see how things go over the next year and decide then.
The difficult thing for me is that I have to make ALL my decisions alone. I can't bounce them off Ray. We could have discussions about our major (and minor) decisions and come to a mutual decision. I, now, have to do that alone. It is really difficult. REALLY difficult. A spouse/significant other is so much more than just a companion. It truly is your "other half." It's more than just love and sex...it's half of you. And, when they're gone you are so alone. Even when around a lot of friends...you feel so alone.
I've been dating a wonderful guy named Drew. He was a guest here about six years ago and Ray and I knew him and his friends during that time. We started dating in October and it's been wonderful. Especially since he knew Ray. He understands my grief and even consoled me at times when I broke down in tears. He knows I still love (and miss) Ray and he understands it. He knows my sadness and knows I will never get over Ray. Drew is one of the sweetest, most sincere and caring person's I have ever met. I am totally comfortable (and able to be myself) when I am around him. He lives in Chicago so we see each other only about a week to ten days a month. I know almost all of his friends as they have all stayed here at the Kirby House...and Ray and I have been to parties with all of them in Chicago as well as here in Saugatuck. I guess I'm writing about all of this because in spite of this wonderful person that is currently in my life I still feel alone. I will never "get over" Ray and Drew knows this.
I'm looking at Mondo right know. He is stretched out on a bench looking outside...napping. He made me smile. He is so happy. I think how lucky I am. He was going to be "put down" and my friend, Teresa, took him home to foster him because she knew someone would give him a home. I can't imagine him being put down. He is so happy now and such a wonderful, playful cat. He has helped make my heart happier.
I am a blessed person. I've written about how alone I feel, but that is not my whole life. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. My family, Ray's family...all my Saugatuck/Douglas friends. They have all been a blessing to me. I thank God for all of them. I truly do. Every day I thank God for my great family and friends.
Last night Marguerite and I went to the Wild Dog, a restaurant in Douglas. We had calamari and I had the Wild Dog burger and Marg had the fish tacos. We had a great time. When we came back to the Kirby we watched a home video from 1995. It was so nice to see and hear Ray. I am so happy I have these videos to keep his memory alive in me. Sometimes I wonder, though, if having the pictures and videos make it harder to let go. Before videos and pictures a person was left with only the memories in their head. Now, a person can see and hear their loved ones as if they are still around. Is that good or bad?
Well, those are my thought for today....thoughts of the last two weeks. - Jimmy
hugs for you.
ReplyDelete