I Just Don't Know If I Can

OK, so I was so tired yesterday I decided I needed a "nap."  I put that in quotes because that is truly impossible to do during the summer.  The minute you lay your head down the phone rings, the doorbell rings or something happens that requires you to get up.  And, even if nothing happens you lay there just waiting for something to happen.  In previous years I could just tell Ray "I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down for about an hour."  He could take care of everything so I could do that.  Or he would do the same with me.

So, I decide to take a "nap."  I was waiting for one last check-in so I didn't want to be far.  So, I decide to push the wicker table on the front porch over a couple feet and lay right there on the front porch...along with a nice big porch pillow.  It felt just wonderful to lay there, off my feet with my eyes closed.  I never did actually fall asleep, but the stillness felt wonderful and just having my eyes closed felt soooo good.  And I was able to hear if a car approached so I could get up and not look like I fell over drunk.  When the last check-in arrived I got up to look appropriate and Marguerite said I looked EXHAUSTED.  But the nap did refreshen me a little. 

I slept good last night and was able to wait until 9:00 a.m. before I had to get downstairs for breakfast.  We only had six for breakfast (some left early) so I knew Marguerite could handle it.  The 9:00 hour gave me plenty of time to get my stuff done.  We had a ham and cheese frittata, potato pancakes and a strawberry french toast bread pudding. 

Guests from Germany checked-in today.  A nice family from Cologne.  They had been in Chicago before coming here.

I got my walk in.  Now I just need to do some more laundry.  I just don't know if I can.  -  Jimmy

I'm Pooped

Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged.  Super busy here.  I'm up 62 rooms this year compared to last.  That's equal to 124 more people!  That's a lot of towels, coffee, breakfast, and bed making. 

Yesterday Marguerite went on an interview and finally got a full-time permanent job.  She will be working as a baker at Crane's.  Crane's is a big apple and peach orchard as well as a restaurant and cider mill.  I'm so happy things finally worked out for her in the job search.  And, it's only about a 10 minute drive from here.

Emotionally I've been doing well.  I have my moments.  I miss Ray and wish he was here.  Sometimes I still can't believe or comprehend that he is dead.  I think it's just something the brain won't accept...or at least not for a long time. 

I just got a "sleepy spell."  After the busy morning with breakfast, rooms, laundry and an hour walk I finally sit down and now realize how pooped I am.  I don't even think I can type anymore.  -  Jimmy

I'm Surviving

Here it is Sunday.  I've got 18 for breakfast today!!!!  Thank God Marguerite is here to get things going.  I think I'll run downstairs, throw my two (already prepared) items in the oven and then come back up and take a shower.  A big day ahead of checking people out and cleaning rooms.  Then....checking people back in.

I've been taking my daily walks now on a regular basis.  Drew has been joining me on these walks.  It's good for me.  I need the exercise and I need the escape from the B&B. 

I am doing good emotionally right now.  I guess the medication and being busy helps.  I haven't even been to the cemetery in about a week and a half.  Maybe I will try to go today.  A friend of Ray's (that worked with him at Tribute) is checking in today.  He hasn't been here since Ray's funeral.  Maybe he will want to go to the cemetery with me. 

I'm surviving.  - Jimmy

The Next Task At Hand

My medication has fully kicked it.  I feel so much better.  It's a shame I have to still depend on it, but thank God that he has provided the ability to give man the knowledge to develop such things.  God is still working miracles today through giving scientists and doctors knowledge and abilities.

Last night four guests, Drew and I went to Clearbrook for dinner.  An absolutely stunning view out back as we ate our dinner.  While we were all chatting Drew made a comment and I quickly replied "Ray, you always...." and then abruptly stopped.  That is the FIRST time I have EVER done that.  I think I was just in such a comfortable situation that I let my guard down and must have felt my "normal OLD self."  I'm sure there are many ways I could analyze this, and it is now that I wish I had my grief counselor to talk with about this.  Maybe it's just another step forward.

I've been keeping busy.  Lately that has been my main blog entries.  At the same time I have been taking time to sit back and enjoy the moment.  After cleaning rooms I take some time to sit on the front porch, take a break and relax.  I've been going for daily walks, Drew has been joining me.  I've even been able to sit by the pool for an hour or so here and there.  These short breaks are needed so that I can rejuvenate myself and move on to the next task at hand. - Jimmy

Being Busy Helps

Time goes by.  Every day I tell myself that I am going to post a new blog.  However, this last week has been so busy at the Inn.  Seventeen people at breakfast several days.  I was so exhausted the other day that I almost fell asleep at dinner.  I felt terrible about it, but I was just so exhausted. 

My mom and two nieces (Lauren and Julia) were here last week for three days.  They had wonderful weather.  I took them to a farm about 20 minutes away.  There is a pottery studio and gallery there.  We made pottery.  We actually used clay and the potter's wheel to make bowls, vases, etc.  They had a great time.  Well, I did too.  There were all kinds of funky looking chickens, turkeys, ducks, llama, horses, cows, etc.  What an experience for two city girls from Detroit.

I called my doctor and he put me back on my anti-depressant medication.  It is starting to kick in.  Yesterday I wasn't quite in the "funk" that I have been in the last two to three weeks.  It's hard to move on but I guess I still need the medication for a while.

I've lost 14 pounds in the last two months.  Mostly from all the work around the B&B, plus Drew and I have been walking 30-45 minutes a day and I've cut out a lot of the crap foods I was eating.  I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds.  That seems totally possible now that I am 1/2 way there.  My doctor will be proud of me, that last time I was there he was quite disappointed.

Ray and I would always take a post-labor day trip to Macinac Island.  I did not do that last year.  I had intentions of going this year, however this morning I am thinking that I can't do that.  Still too soon.  I don't want to push my emotions.  I'm not ready.  So, I will have to think of something alternate.  Somewhere NEW.  Any ideas?

Well, gotta run.  Breakfast won't make itself.  I'm doing good, being busy helps.  - Jimmy

Circumstances

Being busy means my mind is occupied and I'm taking in some money to pay the bills.  At the end of the day, when I can sit and think, that is when I start to have my problems.  I start to get anxious.  I start to think about Ray and the terrible night I found him dead.  The scene plays over and over in my head.  The other day I was at the pool (finally after a long day).  It was about 5:00 p.m.  There were a ton of guests/friends enjoying the water, the sun, the music...they were laughing, making dinner plans and enjoying their vacation.  I started to think about how those were moments Ray and I would talk about how nice it was that we were able to help create that atmosphere and help make people happy.  I went into the house and into a bathroom and let it out.  I cried.  I needed the release.  I needed to let it out so that it didn't build up and get worse.  A couple people reminded me that I have been off my anti-anxiety medication for a month now and I should call my doctor to get back on it.  I just felt that at some point I have to live without it so why not start now.  I gave in though.  I called my doctor and am now back on the medication.  Maybe it will help.

Another friend called me and said I needed to go back for a counseling session or two.  However, my grief counselor is no longer at Holland Hospice.  I don't know how I could meet with someone that hasn't been through that entire year with me, knowing everything I was going through.  How do you start from scratch?  Then, a minister from a local church called me to see how I was doing.  He has been in touch with me (checking up on me) ever since Ray died.  He was the answer.  I told him that I would get in touch with him in a couple days.  I wanted to talk. 

It's so difficult to move on.  I'm doing "ok."  Drew and I are doing fine.  When I said in an earlier post that "dating sucks" I am just expressing my thoughts about how I wish my life was like it was two years ago.  There is nothing bad about my dating Drew.  I just wish these weren't the circumstances.  - Jimmy

I Am Tired

Busy.  That is my excuse.  I have been so busy.  This is good.  It keeps my mind occupied and my bills paid. 

I guess my last few blogs have been a bit deep.  I have had three close friends (including my mother) concerned about me.  I have taken care of this issue and will talk about it more tomorrow....I am tired.  Very tired. - Jimmy

It Sucks

Some days I hate my new life.  I've always been open to change.  But I am not open right now.  Generally I am happy at my daily routine, but life as it is right now...I just wish it wasn't so.

Dating sucks.  Moving on sucks.  Running the business on my own decisions sucks.  But I have no choice.  So I move on.  I move on with the decisions I have made...knowing how much other things suck.  - Jimmy