Circumstances

Being busy means my mind is occupied and I'm taking in some money to pay the bills.  At the end of the day, when I can sit and think, that is when I start to have my problems.  I start to get anxious.  I start to think about Ray and the terrible night I found him dead.  The scene plays over and over in my head.  The other day I was at the pool (finally after a long day).  It was about 5:00 p.m.  There were a ton of guests/friends enjoying the water, the sun, the music...they were laughing, making dinner plans and enjoying their vacation.  I started to think about how those were moments Ray and I would talk about how nice it was that we were able to help create that atmosphere and help make people happy.  I went into the house and into a bathroom and let it out.  I cried.  I needed the release.  I needed to let it out so that it didn't build up and get worse.  A couple people reminded me that I have been off my anti-anxiety medication for a month now and I should call my doctor to get back on it.  I just felt that at some point I have to live without it so why not start now.  I gave in though.  I called my doctor and am now back on the medication.  Maybe it will help.

Another friend called me and said I needed to go back for a counseling session or two.  However, my grief counselor is no longer at Holland Hospice.  I don't know how I could meet with someone that hasn't been through that entire year with me, knowing everything I was going through.  How do you start from scratch?  Then, a minister from a local church called me to see how I was doing.  He has been in touch with me (checking up on me) ever since Ray died.  He was the answer.  I told him that I would get in touch with him in a couple days.  I wanted to talk. 

It's so difficult to move on.  I'm doing "ok."  Drew and I are doing fine.  When I said in an earlier post that "dating sucks" I am just expressing my thoughts about how I wish my life was like it was two years ago.  There is nothing bad about my dating Drew.  I just wish these weren't the circumstances.  - Jimmy