MY Way

Here it is 5:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake!  I feel really good this morning.  I've had a full 1 1/2 days "off" so I am getting well rested.  It's tough working 24/7 and being "ON" for almost five months.  I think I'll take one more day "off" and then start getting things ready for the weekend tomorrow.  By then I should be totally refreshed. 

Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling very good.  I can't tell you how many times I just thought it could never happen.  I remember mentioning in many blogs that I don't think I could ever feel "normal" again.  The pain of the loss of Ray was so strong.  My world, as I knew it, was turned upside down.  In an instant.  How do you cope?  How do you get through.  Well I did it an hour at a time.  I couldn't even look at it as a day at a time.  From one hour to the next my emotions ran wild.  I hid my emotions from the outside world.  I would hurt so bad inside but as I did my daily errands no one else knew my hurt.  I'm sure there were others around me who were hurting and saw me and wished they were "happy" like I am...not even knowing the hurt I was going through.  Today I feel normal. 

I have made so much progress.  I could not have do it without the support from my community of friends, acquaintances, grief counseling, family, God, reading about loss and grief, medication (of course), alcohol (at times), crying and crying, and finally beginning to "let go."  By "let go" I am referring to throwing out Ray's old toothbrush, shoes, donating his clothes, and changing things in the house and business to do it MY way.  I'm much stronger today.  Thank God!  - Jimmy

God's Will

God is amazing!  Trust in him and he comes through every time.  We may not understand the process in which he works or understand why, but he takes care of us...if we let him.  Over the last few years I have begun to understand that when we pray we should pray for HIS will...not what we "want."  That is very difficult to understand.  We pray for sick people to get well.  We pray for being hired for a particular job.  We pray for a "want" that we have in life that we think we need.  We just have to realize that his answer is the best for us.  I've experienced this first hand. 

Over the several months I have had a specific financial concern.  I have prayed and prayed for God to help me with this.  In my prayers I have never ASKED for him to do anything in particular...just help me.  I wanted Hhis will to be done...even if it meant I had to suffer and couldn't make my financial obligation.  I have put my life's plans in his hands.  Well, today God's answer came.  My financial need was due THIS Friday.  Today I learned that I will have the money in my account by this Friday!!!  This money was not given to me, and I did not borrow it.  I don't want to get too personal about my financial situation...but a weight has been lifted and I felt so good this afternoon.  Months of worry wasted.  I don't know that I will ever learn not to worry, but I'm getting better at trusting God.

Fall is sure in the air.  Temps in the upper 50's and low 60's already.  The pool closes Saturday, but with these temps I'm not sure if I'll get a last dip in before it closes.  - Jimmy

A Week

Wow!  It's been a week since I've blogged.  Been busy subbing and working the B&B.  In fact I have to sub tomorrow and Friday.  I've been subbing for the same class, so it's nice to have consistency in the kids and classroom.

The temperatures have been cooler, but it really is a nice relief from the extreme heat.  Tonight Drew, Friedl and I are planning to have a fire in the fire-pit.  It's a perfect night for it.

I've been feeling well lately.  The medication is doing it's job.  I have not had any depression for several weeks now.  Life has been good.  -  Jimmy

Home Alone

I am home alone!  Truly...alone!  No guests, no friends, no Marguerite and no Drew.  First time in months and months.  After I took my friend Tom to the train station this morning I came back home and layed in bed until 10:00.  Then I came downstairs and layed on the couch watching television.  A bit of guilt set in..."I should be doing this or doing that."  But I justified it with the fact that I've not had an official day off in probably four months. However, at about 2:30 I got my can of paint, a brush and supplies and started painting the house.  The part of the house around the front porch.  My home will be on the Heritage Historical Homes tour this weekend so I want it to look real nice.  I already did a bit of cleaning inside...extra cleaning including hiding a buch of "stuff"" (like all kinds of knick knacks).

I have to sub tomorrow for sixth grade in Saugatuck...so my home alone time is very short lived.  That's ok.  Then I'll pick Drew up at 3:00 in Holland and a full house checks in on Friday.  So it goes from one extreme to the other right now. 

I paid my taxes today.  Boy that is a hard check to write!!!  My first full time job's annual salary at the Bank wouldn't have even covered the summer tax bill.  GULP!  At least I had the funds to pay it.  Now I have to hope I can make it till February when the winter taxes are due. 

Friedl asked me to dinner tonight.  I figured it would be nice with just her and me.  In fact I should leave to go there very, very soon, but it's so nice to sit alone on the front porch swing. 

I keep moving on! - Jimmy

Ten Years Ago

Here it is...a decade anniversary of the tragic 9/11 day of 2001.  I was not alive during Word War II, nor when President Kennedy was assassinated.  That was of my parents generation.  They would always speak about what they remember from the war or what exactly there were doing when they found out the war ended or when Kennedy was shot.  My two remembrances are of knowing where I was at and what I was doing when Lady Diana was announced dead and when 9/11 happened. 

Ray and I were making breakfast on September 11, 2001.  We had a few rooms and he was cooking and I was sitting in our small office under the stairs.  The phone rang and it was our friend Kelly.  She told me that a plane hit one of the Trade Center buildings and she thought it might have been a small private plane in which the pilot may have had a heart attack or something.  That was one of the speculations circulating at that moment.  Ray and I turned on our small television in the kitchen and saw when the second plane hit the second tower. 

Over the next month this tragedy brought us a lot of work.  People who had scheduled vacations off work couldn't fly anywhere.  So they hopped in the car and drove to the closest sandy beaches...the shores of Lake Michigan in Saugatuck-Douglas, Michigan.  In mid-October we were able to take our postponed trip to Key West.  We were in the Chicago airport terminal waiting to connect for our flight to Miani when George W. Bush came on the television and announced we were at war with Afghanistan. 

People flying were so afraid of being taken aside and searched that no one made any hassles at the airports.  People behaved and no one would hit the buzzer on the plane for a flight attendant...that would bring attention to them and might make the flight crew suspicious.  I loved flying at that time...people were so nice and cordial.  Now their behaviours are back to rude, obnoxious, and bossy. 

Today is a beautiful day.  One exactly like that day 10 years ago. 

My Life Is Moving Forward

I looked at cards today.  Sympathy cards sent to me after Ray died.  I hadn't planned on it, but the Kirby House is going to be on the "Heritage Homes Tour" next Saturday and so I was moving things around in preparation of having less clutter around and I picked the basket of cards up.  As I went through them I realized (again) how many people Ray brought joy to, and the many people who wrote to me that Ray told them how I made his life rich and full.  He told me that many times, but when I hear that he told other people that behind my back I know he was telling me the truth.  The thing is...I couldn't cry.  I kind of wanted to, and even tried to a little bit, but it wasn't going to happen.  Emotions can't be controlled.  You just have to let them happen.  And, when I look at pictures of Ray they make me smile.  A year ago I would NEVER have thought that could happen, that I could be at a place where the pictures didn't make me cry.  For now, that is where I am.  Who knows what tomorrow brings?

It's a beautiful, sunny late summer day today.  Drew is in Chicago for a week.  He is going to a "steak-fry" today which has been a tradition with his friends for several years.  It's kind of like a pot-luck.  My friend Tom is here for a visit and is helping me out.  After my 1:00 check-in gets here we are going to the farmers' market in Holland.  A great day for that...weather wise. 

My life is moving forward. - Jimmy

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Just saw a squirrel do a gymnastics move from one tree to the other.  It was pretty awesome!  Guess where I'm at...on the front porch. 

The weather sure has changed!  It was as if once Labor Day hit...BAM...fall is here.  It's very cool and breezy.  It is supposed to start to warm up as the week goes by.  It should be nice this weekend for my guests.

I'm amazed when I read my blogs from last year.  I feel like I was a completely different person.  I was thinking about that today.  It almost feels like I was inside another person's body.  I know the medication is helping, but time (and what I do with that time) helps greatly. 

I've got a busy evening.  I'm picking Friedl up from the Grand Rapids Airport at 7:00 p.m. and then picking up my friend Tom from the Holland train station at 9:21 p.m.  It will be planes, trains and automobiles for me tonight. - Jimmy

I'm Glad For The Memories

Labor Day...it's almost over.  I have made it through my 14th summer!!  I could never have done it without the help and support of family an friends.  Now, it starts to slow down and my life become a little more normal.  I'll still be busy, just not overwhelmed.  I've actually still got guests every day for the next eight days. 

With the slower pace beginning I will be able to complete some projects and start some new ones.  The biggest one is the basement.  I've got a friend coming in to town for a job interview in Grand Rapids.  He will be staying with me here.  He said he would love to help me with the basement.  I'll take him up on his offer.

It's a very odd summer day today.  (Yes, it is still summer.)  The temperature is 59 degress and breezy.  However, the sun is out most of the time so that helps.  Temperatures should be back up into the mid to upper 70's by the middle of the week.

I've been thinking a lot about Ray lately.  Nothing new.  I'm glad for the memories. - Jimmy

Happy Labor Day

Here it is...Labor Day weekend.  My 14th Labor Day weekend at the Kirby House.  I don't think Ray and I ever thought we would be here this long.  My second one without Ray.  Time just keeps going by, even when you just want it to stop.  Every day I feel like I get further away from Ray.  New memories, new friends...they all just keep coming.  But, I still have all my old memories, and I never want to forget them.  I'm so afraid they will fade.  Fortunately I have pictures and video to keep them fresh.

Right now I am sitting in my favorite new spot...the front porch.  No one else is up, so I'm drinking my Propel water and blogging.  It rained a little so I can hear the splashing as the cars go by.  There is a very nice breeze and I feel so comfortable here.  It's nice to have the solitude.  Soon I will have LOTS of solitude.  Lots of solitude and no money!  It's been a busy summer, now I just hope it continues through the fall and winter or I'll have to dip into my little retirement fund.  I don't want to have to do that.

Yesterday Drew had a root canal.  He is in PAIN!!!  We tried to go to dinner at Clearbrook last night but he just couldn't handle it so we left so he could lie down and sleep.  Poor guy.

It will be nice to see the Labor Day guests.  All of them are repeat and have been coming for years!  Some longer than I have owned the place.  (It's wierd now how comfortable I feel now when I say or type the word "I."  When Ray died I kept saying "we" or "us."  Now it's just normal to say "I" or "me.")  So rather than it seeming like a lot of work this weekend it's more like old home week.  Everyone knows the "drill" so the check-in process is so easy.  It's more like catching up with friends than checking-in guests. 

Well, I better get moving and get breakfast going.  Happy Labor Day! - Jimmy