Happy New Year

Getting close to "the" date.  Two years ago right now Ray was resting in the apartment on the third floor while I took care of the new year's plans.  I had so little idea what was in store for me.  After everyone leaves on Monday I will spend time to remember "my" Ray.

After Ray died Marguerite gave me a scented candle.  I burned it only once, but it stayed on the nightstand next to me for the next four months.  Every once in a while I pick it up and smell it.  It reminds me of those days after his death.  I slept in room three for three months.  I will relive some of that soon.  I will sleep in room three with that scented candle next to me.  It seems odd to want to try to "go back" in time, but it somewhat makes me feel closer to Ray.  I don't think there are rules in grieving. 

I'm doing very good.  People ask me all the time....and I am doing real good.  Someone asked me recently how I was doing.  One of the things I mentioned was that having no snow outside helps.  It doesn't bring back the memories of going to and from the hospital.  Strange...but it helps.  Happy New Year!  - Jimmy

He Came Through For Me

I started this blog two years ago only so that a few friends and family could check it to see how Ray was doing. It evolved to become a journal of my personal feelings of my journey through loss, grief and life. As I have looked back at previous entries I have found it to be beneficial to my progress in grieving, healing and moving on with life.

I am in North Carolina right now spending Christmas with Friedl's family. Last night we watched the Polar Express. I couldn't help but think about the time Ray and I saw it at the theatre in 3D. We bought the DVD and watched it every year after. I felt very sad last night. It still seems unreal at times that he is not here anymore. I know the reality of it, but it still seems hard to process in my brain at times. As you can see from all my entries, my days are still "up and down."

At times I still feel so alone. The person I sent half my life with, 21 years, is not here to share my future. So although I have so many wonderful people in my life, there are times I still feel so awkwardly alone. Out of place. The "odd man out."

It's Christmas Eve. I thank God for how he has taken care of me for the last two years. At times I thought "how am I going to make it" and somehow He took care of me. At times it was as "nail biting last minutes" - but He came through for me. - Jimmy

I Am Happy

I'm at Chicago O'Hare airport right now. Just finished lunch at Macaroni Grill. On my way to North Carolina to spend Christmas with Friedl and her daughter and son-in-law and five grandkids. I have never been away from home on Christmas.

Since I will be gone for Christmas, Drew and I exchanged one gift last night. We'll exchange the rest when I get back. Drew is going to Port Huron to celebrate Christmas with his siblings.

I have now been dating Drew for over a year now. I have been so cautious...even almost trying to not get too "attached.". However I think I just might actually be "falling" for him. He is so sweet and kind. I'm still being careful though.

Marguerite is watching the house for me while I still have guests there. It's nice to know everything is in great hands. She is so great with the guests. They all just love her.

Two years ago I would have never pictured where I am in my life right now. But you know what...I am happy! Jimmy

Feeling Better

I've been feeling a lot better lately.  I guess being "busy" helps.  So much to get ready for going to North Carolina for Christmas, getting New Year's Dinner ready, presents bought...wrapped...shipped.  I'm spending Christmas with Friedl and her daughter's family. 

I was in a "funk" last week.  But much better now. 

Drew is going to the east side of the state to spend Christmas with his family.  He grew up in the Port Huron area. 

Gotta go...lots to do.  -  Jimmy

Missing

Missing Ray a lot, LOT, LOT lately.  - Jimmy

Two Years

It was two years ago today Ray had his surgery.  Scott and Mary Ellen were at the hospital with me.  Or...I was there with them.  I guess it depends on the view point.  We saw Ray after the surgery and he seemed so good.  Scott, Mary Ellen and I went to Phil's Bar and Grille in Saugatuck for dinner.  We were so hopeful. 

I felt so "anxious" today.  I can't believe it was because of the two year "mark" but who knows.  Two years.  - Jimmy

And I Am

Two years ago today I started this blog.  It's seems hard to believe.  We dropped Ray's sister Susie off at the airport on that day.  She had come to visit and spend some time with Ray before his surgery.  Ray made his last dinner ever on that night.  He made my favorite dinner; fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. 

This weekend is my "Dickens Dinner" package.  There is a welcome party tonight and dinner tomorrow night.  The main entree is duck.  It is sooo good.

I have some repeat guests staying this weekend.  One of them asked me how I was doing this time of year.  I told her I was doing "good."  And I am. - Jimmy

Pretty Lucky So Far

Everything is all decorated at the house for Christmas.  It looks so nice...and cozy.  I'm subbing sixth grade today in Saugatuck.  So I'm keeping busy.

Yesterday I had some "emotional" moments.  It's coming on the two year anniversary of Ray's surgery and death, so I guess it would seem plausible for me to have these feelings.  Sunday will be the two year anniversary of his surgery.  At times it seems like just yesterday.  Maybe because I have relived all those moments so often, it seems fairly recent.

The sun is out.  There is no snow yet.  We've been pretty lucky so far.  - Jimmy