Miss You Wiley!

Amity and Wiley - about 1997

On December 10^th my oldest cat, Wiley, died while lying on my chest in bed.  His health sure was deteriorating, but he didn’t seem to be suffering.  Old age, but he still purred while lying on my chest.  On the evening of the 9^th he jumped off the couch and his legs gave way.  He just plopped to the floor.  I picked him up and placed him in front of his food bowl, but when I set him down he just dropped like a bag of rags.  I knew it was only time before he would go.  I had scheduled to have him put to sleep on the 12^th, because I knew if he made it that long it was too long.

 

When I went to bed he was lying in the living room on the floor next to the chair I sit in.  At 3:00am I got up to go to the bathroom.  He was lying on the floor in front of the bedroom door.  He must have mustered up as much strength as he could to try and crawl into the room to be with me.  He was still alive…barely, so I picked him up and had him laid on my chest.  I was up for three hours petting and kissing him.  At about 7:15 am I could tell his body became lifeless.  He was gone.  I was sad, but had a sense of relief that he was no longer weak and frail. 

 

I didn’t cry.  I didn’t even tear up.  He had been with me for 19 years and I knew he had such a wonderful life.  All the way from Royal Oak, to the purchase of our condo in Douglas (he and his sister were named after the cross-streets in Douglas, Wiley and Amity), on to the Kirby House and then the “after Kirby House” life.  I was glad he had a couple years post-Kirby as he would be up in the apartment at Kirby all day with no human contact.  He was happy, but he would have preferred to be around Ray and me most of the day.  The last two years he has been able to be so much more a part of my daily life as I didn’t have to separate him from “the rest of the house.”

 

Yesterday was a different story.  I started thinking about him and how much I missed him!  I cried twice yesterday.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve cried but I guess I needed to get the emotions of missing him released.  Mondo and Harley seemed to sense something was wrong and came on the bed with me and put their faces up to mine as if to say “what’s wrong?” 

 

Our home is a bit quieter now.  Moscow died in July and now Wiley.  This just means that Mondo and Harley will get all that much more love attention from us!

 

I’m pretty much all ready for Christmas.  Just have a few gifts to wrap.  I have off Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and then I don’t come into work until 1:45pm on Friday!  I’m looking forward to a nice, quiet Christmas. 

 

No recipe today -Merry Christmas

-Jimmy

Inner Peace and Snowball Cookies

"Thanksgiving 2014"

Well here we are, another December has come upon us.  Every day brings a reminder of December 2009.  Five years have now passed and yet it seems like yesterday. 

I’ve still been having trouble with anxiety.  Even with medication and meditation I have still had this trouble with anxiety which keeps me from feeling completely “well.”  It’s like there’s just something inside me that just won’t let it go.  I keep expecting “something” to happen.  I hate it!  On some mornings it’s so bad I get nauseous and sick.  On the outside no one sees it…I hide it well.  And on some counts, when I’m busy doing things it’s not so bad.  But Drew sees it.  He knows, and it’s great to know he’s there for me in this very personal matter.

I think I’m starting to do better.  At least that is what I’ve been telling myself the last three days in which my anxiety level hasn’t been that bad.  I took Harley for a walk last nice.  It was so nice!  It was a very cold evening, but the moon was almost full and I could see it’s reflection on the Kalamazoo River as it peacefully rolled along.  I thought to myself “that is beautiful” and then realized I felt at peace inside.  Maybe that’s what I have been lacking.  Maybe it isn’t actually anxiety that I’m having, but inner peace that I’ve been lacking. 

There is an old hymn titled “It Is Well With My Soul.”  I remember singing as a youth in church.  (Remember, my father was a Baptist Minister, so church was our life!)  The first part of the hymn is “When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.”  I think my walk last night along the river gave me that feeling.  I just may be on to something – I need to have and accept inner peace.  Peace and acceptance of my “lot” – where I am in life right now.

Many times while writing my blog I get an epiphany.  It seems that just writing out my thoughts they sometimes come together as an “ah ha” moment for me.  Today may just be one of those days.

Now on to a recipe!

This weekend “Lakeshore Lodging” is participating in the “Cookie Tour of Inns.”  This event is a fund raiser (this year to purchase a new tree for Saugatuck).  People can buy a ticket and then go from inn to inn or cottage rental or motel, hotel and get a tour and a cookie from a family recipe.  I am making an old traditional cookie that our family always called “Snowball Cookies.”  I think it’s because my grandma only made them at Christmas…and they kind of looked like small snowballs.  They’re also called “Butter Ball Cookies” and other names.  It’s the easiest cooking in the world to make and oh so good!

SNOWBALL COOKIES

Ingredients:

1 cup butter

2 cups flour

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 ½ cups walnuts, chopped

¼ cup sugar

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup powdered sugar

Directions:

1.     Cream butter, sugar, salt and vanilla

2.     Blend in flour and nuts

3.     Scoop and roll into balls

4.     Bake 325° for 22 to 25 minutes

5.     Remove from oven roll into powdered sugar

45 Days

My Snowmen Display

Five years ago yesterday I took Ray for his first (and only) “routine” colonoscopy.  I decided to support him by fasting along with him the night and morning before.  Thank God I didn’t have to drink the “stuff!”  We both planned to go to eat at Panara Bread after the procedure as he had never been there before.  After waiting an hour and a half in the waiting room a nurse called me to the back.  I figured they just need me to help him out in the wheelchair.  When they took me into a room where Ray was sitting and asked me to have a seat I knew it wasn’t good.  This is when the whirlwind happened.  Little did we know he only had 45 days left to live. 

The last four years I have not really been very excited about Christmas.  All the reminders come back.  The snow, the decorations, the early darkness, the cold, it brings back those horrible 45 days and the months and years following.  However, this year for the first time I am actually excited about Christmas.  Not about gifts, but about the fun with friends, decorating, putting lights up, yes, even the snow!  I’ve already got the tree up with lights on it (no decorations yet) and many boxes from the storage unit pulled out ready to unpack, unwrap and decorate.  I hung lights along our outside second floor screen porch too!  I went through the motions in years past, and had some good times, but I just feel so at peace this year and excited!

The snow is heavy here in Saugatuck/Douglas right now.  It came even earlier than last year!  However, it is supposed to go into the upper 40's at the beginning of next week so there will be a lot of melting, slush and probably ice.  It's so nice to live so close to work!

OK, so it's almost Thanksgiving.  Here is Ray's Aunt Mae's pie crust recipe.  After Ray died I decided to make a quiche.  I went to the store to buy a pre-made crust.  I got home and forgot to buy it.  I could hear Ray in the back of my mind..."you can do it."  So I pulled out the recipe and made it.  And..it worked!  Just follow the recipe and you will have a great pie crust!

Aunt Mae's Pie Crust

3 Cups all purpose flour
1 Cup Crisco Shortening
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1 Tablespoon Vinegar
6-8 Tablespoons Ice Water - ICE COLD

Place flour in bowl and add shortening. With shortening in the flour and using two knives cut into pea size chunks.

In a separate bowl beat egg with a fork and add vinegar. Sprinkle into flour mixture.

Mix lightly with spoon and add water slowly. Do not overmix or pastry will be tough.

Using hands, form together adding water if needed.

Split into two balls and roll on lightly floured surface into sheets.

　
-Jimmy

Fall Activities & Drunken Pumpkin Chili

Drunken Pumpkin Chili

It's been way too long since I've blogged...and I promised to share recipes.  Sorry for the delay.

Over the last month and a half not too much has really happened in my life.  It's routine and that's good.  Drew and I went to Detroit to visit my family.  We had a great time!  Got together with a Kirby House guest/friend and spent an afternoon in downtown Detroit.  What a great time!  The city looks wonderful.  Much different than my last day of work on April 24, 1998.  We spent most of the time in the Bier Garten - that sandy beach area right in the center of downtown.

Then we were treated out to dinner in Royal Oak by another guest/friend.  (I need to start getting rid of the "guest" part.)  What a nice treat.  After dinner we went to a bar in Royal Oak and ran into Saugatuck friends!  How crazy is that?

The rest of our time was spent going to Greenfield Village, Eastern Market and spending time with my family.  It was a great trip.  Wish we had more time.

Last year I didn't get the backyard gazebo down in time before the early snow fall and the roof of it collapsed.  We got a new roof this year and we enjoyed it this summer.  The last few weeks I did get all the furniture, cushions put away, the roof off and everything else buckled down and tied up.  Even got most of the leaves raked.  I made it just in time!

Drew and I had been trying to share the Audi with our work schedules.  We both live so close to work that I couldn't justify another vehicle, until I found one.  We got a 2001 Dodge Grand Caravan for $250!  A couple minor and cheap repairs and it's been running great.  At least it's dependable enough for me to get to and from work....even Holland!  Not sure that I would trust it on a lengthy road trip, but hey, it works for our needs.  Thank God!

Ok, so now for the recipe.  This is great chili, especially for the fall and winter months.  Make a big pot and store some in the freezer.  (Be sure to label the container-so you know what's in it and when you made it.)  This is not my recipe but I found it on the internet and have made it twice.  The recipe says the prep time is "10 minutes" that is bull crap!  It's more like 30 minutes at least.  So, take your time and just enjoy chopping the vegetables as you watch an episode of Judge Judy or something on the Food Network!

Drunken Pumpkin Chili

Total Time: 1 hour, 20 minutes

Prep: 10 minutes - (more like 30)

Cook: 1 hour, 10 minutes

Yield: 6 servings 

Ingredients

1 pound 93% lean ground beef (optional)

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 medium onion, chopped

2 large carrots, diced

1 yellow bell pepper, diced

1 bay leaf

1 tablespoon cumin

1 tablespoon dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon allspice

1 tablespoon tomato paste

1 cup pumpkin ale

15-ounce container pure pumpkin puree

15-ounce container diced tomatoes

2 canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, seeds removed and minced

15-ounce container black beans, drained and thoroughly rinsed

15-ounce container cannellini beans, drained and thoroughly rinsed (optional)

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Add the ground beef to a dutch oven or large stock pot and adjust heat to medium-high. Break up the meat using a wooden spoon, and immediately add the minced garlic, diced onion, diced carrots, and diced bell pepper.  Season with salt and pepper.  Cook for about 7 minutes, or until the meat is nicely browned and the veggies are softened. Reduce the heat to medium.  Add the bay leaf, cumin, oregano, cinnamon, allspice, and tomato paste, and stir to combine.  Add the pumpkin ale and stir to deglaze the bottom of the pan.  Allow the pumpkin ale to cook and reduce for about 5 minutes.  Add the pumpkin purée and diced tomato.  Season with salt and pepper.  Add the minced chipotle peppers, and stir to combine.  Partially cover the pot, reduce the heat to low, and allow the chili to cook for about 45 minutes.  Add the black beans and cannellini beans (if using), stir, and allow the chili to cook another 10 minutes.  Season to taste with salt and pepper, and serve.

Happy 25th Anniversary Ray Riker!

Twenty-five years is a generation.  A complete new life cycle.  I sit here at the computer writing a very important blog for me with the Food Network on in the background.  Twenty-five years ago there was no Food Network.  There was no internet.  My "car phone" was in a big bag and I paid $59 a month for 15 free minutes, if I went over that it was 59 cents per minute during peak time or 17 cents per minute between 7:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.  No Facebook, no texting, no true home computers.  But 25 years ago tonight is the anniversary of Ray and me.  (Is that proper English?)

Ray and I first saw each other on Memorial Day of 1989.  My brother and I took a walk and passed by Ray's house.  Eyes met and after many walks around the blocks over the next couple months a friendship grew.  There were a lot of difficult circumstances surrounding our relationship but September 22, 1989 sealed it.  We went to dinner at Salute in Detroit, near Six Mile and Woodward.  There was an hour and a half wait but we could not have cared a less.  We talked, and flirted, and talked and flirted.  I assume we had an amazing meal, but I really don't even know what we ate, but we knew that we were falling in love.  (I actually fell in love the very first time I set eyes on him.)  I would never believe such a thing could be possible if I didn't experience it myself.  We were in love...we were soul mates.  It was that night he "mouthed" to me "I love you."  I was in shock, and happy.

This was an era where you did not go in to work on Monday and tell everyone you were in love.  I had to hide everything.  I had to hide my absolute true love from my parents, my siblings, my co-workers.  I was in heaven, but I could NOT let anyone know.  We hid our growing relationship.  Some of Ray's family knew, but all in all we didn't dare share our love.  A few close friends, a few family members, but most people couldn't know we were "gay."  In a way our secret love was fun.  We knew it, but no one else did.  It was "our" secret.

Our love grew with ups and downs.  Arguments, fights, vacations, funerals, weddings, dinners, celebrations....they all added to our bonding together as one.  Even today, as I share moments with Ray's family, I feel a part of them...I feel like I am actually part of the Riker family.  As I was...as I am.  We never got to officially marry but I am called "Uncle" by his nieces and nephews.  That's how they know me....Uncle Jimmy.

There is not a day, or a moment that Ray is not on my mind.  I don't believe in dead people roaming around here on earth with us, but I do believe that Ray is always with me, in his memories, his life, his impact on my life...he is with me.  I know what he would say to me, even today. 

I experienced one of the worst things a person could every experience on January 3, 2010...to find your best friend, lover, spouse...dead.  I sometimes wonder why I still need to be on medication, but that would explain it.  It has been 4 1/2 years, but I still can't get over it.  I deal with it and my life has moved on.  I don't know if I would say I am "at peace" with my life, but I have accepted it, moved on and live each day moving forward with a bit of pain from the wounds. 

Today, I am home alone (Drew is at work) and I am celebrating my 25 years having Ray in my life.  I wouldn't change a thing.  And I am so happy that the last year of his life he encouraged (pushed) me into cooking.  Now I still get to enjoy his pasta sauce, chicken noodle soup, fried chicken, chili, and all the other home comfort foods. 

The picture above is from 1990.  I would take it with me when I traveled the U.S. for work.  This was before all the technical social media.  I kept this picture in my brief case.

September 22, 1989 seems like yesterday!

Happy 25th Anniversary Ray! - Love, Jimmy

Comfort Food-Chicken Noodle Soup....Best Ever!

 

As I am sharing recipes I want to emphasize that I am NOT anywhere near a gourmet cook or an expert on food...by any means.  But, my point in these posts is that if I can do it....ANYONE can.  I never thought I would love a Sunday afternoon chopping vegetables and making soup.  Now, I love it, especially in the winter when there's nothing to do outside.  Put on the "Food Network" and spend some quality time making comfort food.

 

I just love comfort food.  And one of my favorites is Ray’s Chicken Noodle Soup.  It is loaded with chicken, vegetables and noodles!  He, of course, made it in a HUGE pot and separated it out (after it cooled) into smaller containers and froze them.  Then, whenever we had the crave, or just didn’t know what to make for dinner (or didn’t feel like making dinner) we would pull one out, and heat it up.  This recipe is for a HUGE pot of soup.  If you want to just make it for one dinner, I would make it about 1/4 the ingredients.  But who would want to do that?

 

Here is Ray's Recipe...and trust me, it is delicious!

 

3 lb Carrots

1 large celery stalk

6-8 Medium size onions

4-6 garlic cloves

2 whole chickens (washed)

2 Bay leaves

2 Bags thick egg noodles

3 Tablespoons Basil

2 teaspoons Thyme

5 Tablespoons Parsley

2 teaspoons pepper

4 Tablespoons chicken base

Boil chickens in large stock pot for about one hour until it is tender enough to easily pull away from the bones. Using slotted spoon, remove scum from top of boiling water until broth is clear. 

While chickens are boiling, clean all vegetables and chop to desired size. Garlic should be chopped very fine.

Remove chicken from the broth when it is done and allow to cool.

Add all vegetables to the broth and cook until done - make sure there is a firmness to the vegetables, it should not be mushy. Again, using a slotted spoon, remove scum from top of boiling water.

Boil noodles until el-Dante and rinse well. Set aside.

Pick chicken off bone and discard skin and bones. Chop coarsely.

Add spices and chicken base to the cooked vegetables and broth and let simmer one hour.

Add chicken and let simmer one-half hour more.

Add noodles.

 

A couple tips.  When you put the containers in the freezer, be sure to label them with the name of the item and date.  Trust me, I always thought I would remember and then a few months later I go in the freezer and think “what is this and when did I make it?”

 

Also, you can make the soup with the noodles in it and freeze it or don’t add the noodles to the soup and add fresh ones with each batch you thaw and heat up. 

 

 

So...Here We Go!

It's already August!  I hear the "locust" bugs in the trees (or whatever they are).  It reminds me of being a kid on a hot summer day.  Those bugs in the trees making that sound.  Sounds and smells can really bring the past to the present. 

We took Harley to the dog park today.  This is the first times since I adopted him that he's been able to just run wild and free (other than a couple leash escapes early on).  He had a ball and is tuckered out!  Plus he made a few friends there as well.

A few years ago I promised I would share the Pasta Sauce Recipe of Ray's.  I have never gotten around to it and now it's about three years later.  I absolutely love this sauce!  Now, this recipe makes a BIG pot of sauce.  So you can adjust it as needed.  Ray would make a big pot and let it cool down completely and portion it into small, medium and large containers to freeze.  Then, depending on how much sauce we needed we could thaw one out and heat it up.  Be sure to label the container (ie:  Pasta Sauce; August 4, 2014).  I use a label maker, love those things!  But you can use masking tape or those printer envelope labels from Avery. 

Ray's idea of cooking was to make BIG batches, portion them out and freeze.  Everything from this pasta sauce to soups.  If you're gonna go through the trouble to make something, make a lot and you'll always have something homemade in the freezer.  By the way, it is so easy.  If I can do it, ANYONE can.  Trust me!  There are a lot of spices listed here, a great place to get them at a great price is the store Aldi®.  So, here's the recipe:

INGREDIENTS:

• 4 Tablespoons Olive Oil
• 5 medium onions - chopped
• 2 Tablespoons minced garlic (I buy the jars of minced garlic - great deal at Aldi® too)
• 4 lbs ground chuck or sirloin
• 2 lbs ground pork
• 3 12 oz. Cans tomato paste
• 6 28 oz/ Cans tomato sauce (plus 6 cans water)
• 4 Tablespoons dried parsley
• 5 Tablespoons dried basil
• 2 Tablespoons dried oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon ground thyme
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 Tablespoon sugar
• 1 Large (or two small) green pepper

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a large stock pot heat olive oil on medium/medium high heat until hot but not smoking.
2. Add onions and cook until they are tender.  Be sure to stir often.
3. Add garlic and sauté for 2-3 minutes.
4. Add beef and pork and cook until completely browned.  Drain off excess grease in colander and return meat to pot.
5. Add the tomato paste with browned meat and mix thoroughly.
6. Add the tomato sauce, water, spices and green pepper.  Again mix thoroughly
7. Lower heat to a simmer and cook 4-5 hours - stirring occasionally.

This can be used for lasagna, spaghetti, or any other recipe that calls for a "tomato/pasta sauce."

Quite a while ago I said that I was going to share more recipes because my life has become a bit normal and I'm not as interesting.  I'll share some of Ray's recipes, mine, some I find and really like, maybe Drew's recipes (although he doesn't really follow recipes, he just cooks with what we have in the house).  So...here we go. - Jimmy.

This is what I plan for my life!

Almost three months have gone by since I have written in my blog.  The healing is getting so much better.

In the beginning I started this blog just to update family and friends on Ray's surgery progress.  It then became an outlet for my feelings and process of grief.  "Write it down" my grief counselor said.  Not necessarily so publicly, but I did - so that I could share my road with others.  Maybe just to keep some people updated, maybe to help other people going through the same sense of loss.

Moscow, the Kirby House mascot died last week.  Signs were becoming quite prevalent, I woke up in the morning and she was lying under the dining room table, alive.  I laid down with her and pet her.  She took three quick breaths and left me.  I am at peace about it.  She lived a LONG and GREAT life.  Everyone, and I mean everyone who stayed at the Kirby House knew Moscow.  She patrolled the grounds keeping the moles in check and the mice from getting much further than the basement.  Yet another tie to Ray and Kirby House gone.  It's all good.  I've started a new life.

A guest feeding Moscow a Pina Colada at a July 4th Party!

I'm going on my fourth month at Lakeshore Lodging.  What a great move for me.  I am now just starting to feel comfortable with the job and all the components that go along with it.  It's such a great place to work, I am so thankful to them for hiring me!  I remember the day I saw the job posting on Facebook.  I was at Booking.com and thought...woooo whoooo!  This is where I'm going!  For so many reasons it has been the best thing for me.  I even rode my bike home from work one day...took me 18 minutes to get home.  I just have to get my strength up to do that more.  I've spent a year and a half doing virtually no exercise.  (Working at a call center all day sitting in a chair doesn't give you much activity.)  

Friedl has moved on to living in New Hampshire.  We talk every few days.  I miss her terribly!  She wants to fly me out this fall to visit her.  Just don't know if I will be able to do it.  I want to go to Detroit for several days to show the City to Drew and spend time with family.  

You can't plan your life.  If you want to make God laugh, say "This is what I plan for my life." - Jimmy

Moving Forward

Well, almost a full month since I've blogged. 

I started my new job at Lakeshore Lodging in Saugatuck on April 7.  I am loving it!  We specialize in vacation home rentals.  It is sooo much better than sitting in a chair for eight hours answering phones.  Great people to work with too! 

My life if going quite good right now.  I haven't take any of my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for a few days now.  I took two of each daily (a total of four pills).  I was down to one and now I've gone with none for a few days.  Hallelujah!  I think that now that I have some structure to my life and a great routine going that has helped a lot.  I lost so much in the last four years that it really took a toll on me emotionally. 

My next big change is that my friend Friedl is moving to New Hampshire on Tuesday.  Her daughter and her family are moving there soon so Friedl wanted to move to be close to them.  I will surely miss her!  I'm glad we have Facetime and emails these days to keep in touch!

Moving forward!  Jimmy

I Love Life Again

Wow, it's been a while since blogging.  Time to share and update. 

I have resigned from Booking.com.  For the last year I have tried so hard to be positive about the job.  However, I have never truly liked working there.  It was monotonous and boring.  Answering call after call, just sitting there in one spot for eight hours.  It was torture.  The company itself is a great company to work for, just not my level of activity for a job. 

I will start my new job this Monday, April 7.  I took two weeks off between jobs.  I really needed it.  I had gone right from Kirby House to Booking.com.  In fact, I was still trying to move out when I started my training there last March.  These last two weeks have been a great sabbatical for me.  But, I'm ready for my new adventure.

I will be working as a "Vacation Planner" at Lakeshore Lodging located on Lake Street in Saugatuck.  Lakeshore Lodging is a vacation rental company based in Saugatuck, Michigan with rental properties from South Haven up to Holland, Michigan.  I am so excited about being a part of the community once again.  No longer will I have to drive 100 miles round trip to work.  Another big plus about the great change!

My "babies" are doing fine.  As I type this blog, Mondo, Wiley (the two cats) and Harley (the dog) are sleeping on the bed.  All getting along fine.  Moscow was always the renegade...so she is on her own sleeping in the living room.

My Drew is at work right now.  We are getting along just great.  We have many of the same interests which makes our time together so special.  He is always pretty much in the same mood (unless he has to get up early).  I have been very lucky to have him in my life.  I love him more every day.

My best friend, Friedl, has sold her condominium and will be moving to New Hampshire to be closer to her daughter and family.  Her daughter, Anne, has not yet moved there but should be in a few months.  Friedl will be moving around May 1.  I am so happy for her, but I will truly miss her, as most of you who know me would know that.

It's a sunny Saturday afternoon in April.  I got my taxes done.  First time I could do them on my own in 16 years.  Having the business meant I had to turn them over to an accountant.  Now that I don't own a home and have all the other forms to file required by a business I could actually do the free Turbo Tax online filing! 

I have a comfortable life.  Still trying to make it paycheck to paycheck, but my life is happy.  Trust me, having a lot of "things" in your life does not make you happy.  Just a lot more stuff to take care of.  I love the little apartment Drew and I live in.  I love my little "babies."  I love life again.  - Jimmy

I'm Done Surviving

I'm done surviving.  For the last four years I have been surviving.  Or, I've felt like I am a survivor.  I am done with that.  I am ready to move on.  I'm ready to stop living my life just in survival mode.  I haven't truly moved on with my life.  It's all just been me telling myself "I am moving on" - but actaully I've just been doing things to survive. 

The last few days I've had the flu.  It hit me like a rock on Thursday.  Tonight I sit here alone and think about my life.  I realized that what I've been doing for four years is just surving.  Doing what I need to do to make it.  Now I am ready to take control of my life, quit living in the past, move on to what I want to do.  Not just do things to surving, but to do what I want to do...and not feel guilty about it.  Or, worry about what others think.

This may sound strange, as most people probably think that I've "moved on."  In ways I have, but I've aways felt like I've just been surving.  Do what I have to do to make it.  Now I want live my life like I'm doing what I want, not what I have to do. 

I am ready to live life again! - Jimmy

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wiley and Harley

Wiley is actually laying across Harley in this picture.  This is the morning after Harley went to the groomer's to get all cleaned up for our trip to Detroit this weekend.

Ray's niece, Michelle Riker, is getting married this Saturday.  So, Drew and I are heading to my hometown!  We'll be spending time with my family, Ray's family and Drew will run up to his hometown of Port Huron on Sunday to spend time with his family.  Homecoming week!

I'm looking forward to the change this weekend will give to my routine.  It's been the same for so long, and with the extreme weather there is nothing to do but stay in the house.  (Unless working.)

I'm taking a four day weekend.  This will be so nice!  We'll spend the night at a hotel on Saturday night.  Haven't done that in two years!  It will be nice to be away on a mini-vacation.  A busy one though!

I can't wait to see everyone.  Without the bed and breakfast I haven't seen many people - there's no place for them to stay.  Our place is way too small!

Oh, Happy Valentine's Day! - Jimmy

My "New Book" Has Started!

Harley enjoying the snow - and boy...does he LOVE the snow!

It's February 5 already.  I've been with Booking.com for almost a year now - less than a month to go.  Wow, what a different world I was in a year ago!  Not knowing where I was going to go.  Not knowing what was going to happen with the Kirby House.  Not knowing how I was going to pay bills.  Not knowing if I would have a job.  I was in a big mess. 

My life has a routine now.  A schedule.  It was so hard going from 15 years of my routine to a complete change in my entire life.  Now, after almost a year it's nice to have a routine.  It's quite nice to know what to expect.  To look forward to coming home at night after work and watching "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" with Drew (and all the four legged friends trying to cuddle up).  To look forward to sleeping in and enjoying the time to slowly wake up, again with all the four legged friends trying to cuddle up.  Having my day alone on Sunday's making dinner and cleaning house while Drew is at work.  I love it. 

Now I need to start to take all that extra time I used stressing, adjusting, and just laying around depressed with loads of anxiety and start some hobbies.  I need to start taking pictures again (with my good camera and lenses).  I need to catch up on some books I bought over the last two years I never read.  I need to organize my closet. 

I'm getting organized.  I got a pocket calendar to keep track of dates.  I got an old fashioned phone book to start keeping names, addresses and phone numbers (my computer with all my guest names and numbers crashed). 

Last week Drew bought a deep freezer from Sam's Club.  It was a great deal as it was a display model.  Now I can start cooking in batches again like Ray did so we always have soup, sauces, etc. available.

The day's are getting noticeably longer now (I know they're not actually longer - but it's staying lighter later.) 

My "new book" has started fresh.  There will be references to the past, but chapter 1 has started fresh and new!  - Jimmy

Routines and I'll Go For Now.

Time flies by.  Getting near to the end of January.  Been busy at work and traveling to and from in blizzard snow.  The worst blizzards in years.  Of course it had to happen the year I had to start driving to and from work.  Sometimes at night I feel like I'm navigating the Star Ship Enterprise.  There is pitch darkness witch snow hitting the windshield, it looks like stars.  At times I can't see the road - so God only knows where I might end up.  I drive slowly and follow my GPS screen for guidance.

My life is so different from a year ago.  It's steady, routine and calm.  I'm loving it!  It's been so long since I have fallen into a routine.  Trust me, routines are nice. 

Not much more time left on my break at work to journal - so I'll go for now. - Jimmy

"Hi" From The Road.

Four years!  Four years ago tonight I lost my other half, Ray Riker, III.  I will never forget that day.  Every single minute of that last day is etched in my mind forever. 

I do finally feel like I have accepted life, my new life.  It's taken so long.  There have been so many downs, and just when I though I couldn't get any more down somehow it happened. 

I will give a toast to Ray tonight.  Tried to visit him at the cemetery today but it wasn't plowed and the new car rides so low I won't risk driving up.  But I did stop and say "hi" from the road. - Jimmy