Old Home Week Struggles

Last week Drew and I took a four day trip to Detroit to visit my family.  I was fortunate enough to sneak in a few very short visits with friends.  In a way it was like "Old Home Week" for me.  It was wonderful, except for one thing. The memories.

As we drove around the old "hood" (this includes the Royal Oak, Troy, Clawson area which Ray and I spent most of our time living) hundreds of memories flooded my mind.  I would constantly point things out to Drew and say "I can't believe that is still there" or "Wow, when did that new building go up?"  So many things exactly the same as the day I left on Friday, April 24, 1998 and many things changed or new.  In my mind I wanted everything to be exactly as I had left it.  I wanted it to be a time capsule for me.  A place I could go back to and find refuge in familiarity.  I can't do that though.  It's impossible.

My mind plays tricks on me.  In a weird way I have this feeling that if Ray and I had never moved to Saugatuck everything would be the same today as it was when we left.  So I have this sense of regret for moving.  Then I have thoughts that if I moved back things would just all fall into place and everything would be "normal" - just like when we left it.  It's not true...there is no way to go back in time or make time stand still.  That's hard to accept.

I think the only time a person has feelings like this is when they've suffered a huge loss in their life. You want to go back to how things were.  There is this underlying feeling that it somehow can happen.  I try to make it happen.  I think I'll feel better by driving around where Ray and I lived and I can somehow capture moments in time.  If I go to a certain place we frequented maybe I can get a good feeling - almost like a "high" someone is looking for when they're on drugs.  I've heard that people on strong (illegal) drugs always want to have that "high" they had the first time they tried it, but can never get it.  That's how I feel when I try to revisit places or events that Ray and I shared.  I want to have that "feeling" again.  The only thing is, when the day is over the reality sets in and I know it can't be done.

One afternoon we went to "Somerset Collection" in Troy with my sister and nieces. I used to go there frequently with my friend Joe back in the day.  Walking around the mall, with the same stores, smells, and visuals brought back so many memories.  We then made a short stop to visit a friend of mine (and former co-worker at the bank).  After we were greeted at the door (like Royalty) Sue and I talked, laughed and teared up like we had just seen each other a few days ago. My heart sank because I just felt like if I moved back everything would fall into place like the day I left - and again I know it can't.

The thing is, everyone's lives I left behind 18 years ago have changed drastically too.  Sue's husband passed away a few years ago and she has two children she is raising on her own.  My friend Joe has moved out of Royal Oak and has had major life changes as well.  So no matter if we stayed or not, things wouldn't be the same.  There are times I regret moving to Sauguatck as I feel that if we had stayed on the East side of the state Ray would still be alive.  That's a lie I tell myself trying to believe it.

So, I wonder if going to visit the past is really such a good thing.  Sometimes it's best to just move on, go forward, don't look back.  I know that if Ray were still alive I wouldn't have these feelings.  We would just be moving forward with our lives, keeping in touch with friends and dreaming of our future.  However, there is this feeling I have inside me that is so true.  I've seen it written probably hundreds of times before Ray died but thought it was a bit dramatic.  It is that truly, when Ray died a big part of me died too.  A big part of me just STOPPED.  It had to.  He was no longer part of my life, my memories, my dreams, my future and that part of me had to stop too.

It's been over six years and I still don't go a moment without Ray on the back of my mind.  I'll think of him, see someone that looks a little like him, find a card from him, or hear a song I know he loved or said it made him think of me and I'll tear up. Sometimes still even cry.  I love to watch old videos and hear his voice and see his face, but afterwards I feel worse.  So, I don't do it often.  Maybe it was better before videos and pictures.  A deceased spouse was just in your memories.  There were no visuals, videos or sounds of their voice you could listen to and make you sad.

I've had thoughts of suicide over the last six years...(there I finally said it).  Serious thoughts. The only two things that kept me from doing it are how my mother would be devastated, and the thought that if it didn't work I would survive (and maybe be worse for it).  Suicide really is a "cop out" as it just makes everything worse for those who survive.  So those who choose to live struggle to move forward with great stride, effort, and emotions...on a daily basis.  Some days it's even a chore just to get out of bed and deal with "life."

(Side note:  As I type this I have a cute 13 pound dog sleeping on my lap.  His head resting on my arm, dealing with the movement as I type on the keyboard.  He makes me happy.  Almost more so than a human can because his deep affection is unconditional.  He gives me love because he wants to (and he wants some too) not because he knows I'm feeling sad and it's his obligation.)

I will be back to Detroit in June for my niece's graduation party.  This time I'll be staying away from the old "hood."  I'll be fine moving forward, but I always have to look back.  This is my life and journey.  Still struggling to move on. - Jimmy