I Am Happy

Well, I had my colonoscopy yesterday and they found NOTHING!  No cancer and no polyps.  I was so happy.  This has been bothering me for years and I am so glad everything checked out perfect.

The procedure was "nothing."  Mary drove Drew and me.  We got to the hospital at 7:30 am and I was checked-in by 7:45.  I was hooked up to an I.V., heart monitor and blood pressure cusp.  When I got into the procedure room the anesthesiologist told me I would be "out" within 8 seconds.  They put an oxygen tube into my nostrils, asked me to turn and lay on my left side and the next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up.  Absolutely amazing.  I didn't know anything happened.  The preparation day was the worst part of it.  Mainly having to fast for about 36 hours.  I was soooo hungry!  The stuff I had to drink was even fine.  I was just hungry and had to stay close to the toilet.  That day was the worst. 

After a great night's sleep I felt terrific this morning.  I came across the song "Zombies" by "The Cranberries" while I was surfing the internet today.  This group reminds me so much of Ray as we both loved "The Cranberries."  I (of course) started to cry.  I think another part of my grieving (which will always continue and morph) is that I feel as if I created 21 years of memories for nothing.  At least that's how I thought about it today.  I have so many memories I created over the years and no one to share them with.  I can't say to Drew "do you remember when we took this or that trip" or "remember when we did this or that?"  I guess Drew and I have our own memories but my memories with Ray were in my formative adult years so they are VERY special to me.  So in a sense it kind of feels like that was all a waste for me. 

I made one last trip to VanTil's Nursery this afternoon.  I got 33% off.  This is the first year since I left the B&B that I have gotten so much into gardening.  Things look so nice and I'm enjoying the time I spend planting and watering.  My gardens don't look anything like Ray's but I don't have the money we used to have to do this, however I'm getting compliments from neighbors...so that makes me happy. 

In spite of the things that run through my head daily I am really feeling good about where I am right now.  I've gotten a lot of things more organized in the last four months.  Even though it's been more than four years since we moved in here I finally have a great filing system for bills and important papers.  I have organized our "basement" (I call it a basement even though it's grade level).  Now I'm working on getting our pantry and kitchen in a better place.  Plus, after being here now over four years it's starting to feel like home.  I am happy.  - Jimmy

My Turn

It's been seven years and seven months since Ray had his colonoscopy.  Now it's my turn.  Tomorrow is the big day.  I have to admit I am a bit nervous.  Normally I would be very nonchalant about this as it's a "normal procedure" and "even if they find something it's easy to 'fix'."  However, that is what Ray and I were told.  We went to his colonoscopy very calm and figured we would go to eat lunch after it was over.  Of course when we found out about the cancer neither of us felt like eating and we went home. 

I remember calling my mom when we got home.  I even remember the phone I had.  It was a red RAZR phone.  Just like the one below.  (I thought that phone was so cool and modern by the way.)

I went outside to call her as I didn't want to distress Ray.  She tried to reassure me but deep down I felt like this was a pivotal life experience and something could go wrong.  I must admit over the next several weeks I had thoughts that this could be our last Thanksgiving together...our last Christmas together...and it was.

I need to leave home at about 7:00 am.  Mary is driving me and Drew is coming along.  (Drew has been advised that it is in his...and others'...best interest not to drive any longer due to his Huntington's Disease.)  I need to register at the hospital at 7:45 am.  I can't wait till this is over as I am so hungry.  I have not eaten anything in 24 hours and I still have about 15 hours to go. 

I hope my next blog will be great news!  But as I said...it's my turn.  - Jimmy