I Am Happy

Well, I had my colonoscopy yesterday and they found NOTHING!  No cancer and no polyps.  I was so happy.  This has been bothering me for years and I am so glad everything checked out perfect.

The procedure was "nothing."  Mary drove Drew and me.  We got to the hospital at 7:30 am and I was checked-in by 7:45.  I was hooked up to an I.V., heart monitor and blood pressure cusp.  When I got into the procedure room the anesthesiologist told me I would be "out" within 8 seconds.  They put an oxygen tube into my nostrils, asked me to turn and lay on my left side and the next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up.  Absolutely amazing.  I didn't know anything happened.  The preparation day was the worst part of it.  Mainly having to fast for about 36 hours.  I was soooo hungry!  The stuff I had to drink was even fine.  I was just hungry and had to stay close to the toilet.  That day was the worst. 

After a great night's sleep I felt terrific this morning.  I came across the song "Zombies" by "The Cranberries" while I was surfing the internet today.  This group reminds me so much of Ray as we both loved "The Cranberries."  I (of course) started to cry.  I think another part of my grieving (which will always continue and morph) is that I feel as if I created 21 years of memories for nothing.  At least that's how I thought about it today.  I have so many memories I created over the years and no one to share them with.  I can't say to Drew "do you remember when we took this or that trip" or "remember when we did this or that?"  I guess Drew and I have our own memories but my memories with Ray were in my formative adult years so they are VERY special to me.  So in a sense it kind of feels like that was all a waste for me. 

I made one last trip to VanTil's Nursery this afternoon.  I got 33% off.  This is the first year since I left the B&B that I have gotten so much into gardening.  Things look so nice and I'm enjoying the time I spend planting and watering.  My gardens don't look anything like Ray's but I don't have the money we used to have to do this, however I'm getting compliments from neighbors...so that makes me happy. 

In spite of the things that run through my head daily I am really feeling good about where I am right now.  I've gotten a lot of things more organized in the last four months.  Even though it's been more than four years since we moved in here I finally have a great filing system for bills and important papers.  I have organized our "basement" (I call it a basement even though it's grade level).  Now I'm working on getting our pantry and kitchen in a better place.  Plus, after being here now over four years it's starting to feel like home.  I am happy.  - Jimmy