Happy Birthday Raymond P. Riker, III

Well, it’s been a while.  But, it’s a perfect day to post in my Blog.  Today is Ray’s birthday.  He would have been a young 56 year old man!  Of course I miss him as much today and I did at 9:10pm on January 3.  The wounds have scarred over though.  I still see them, but they are not as noticeable. 

I came across this great list of “30 Things to Do Before You Die.”  I found it on the website mindbodygreen.com .  This is not your traditional “bucket list” – but it’s a bucket list I think everyone needs to achieve.  Check it out below:

30 Things To Do Before You Die:
1. Stop worrying about debt.
2. Forgive your ex-lovers.
3. Stop trying to control your outcome.
4. Look in the mirror and love yourself unconditionally.
5. Leave the job you hate.
6. Find your purpose and live it full heartedly.
7. Adopt a furry friend.
8. Don't feel guilty for holiday weight gain.
9. Trust that everything is in right order.
10. Travel to the place you keep thinking about.
11. Try something that scares you daily.
12. Be open to change.
13. Let go of your past.
14. Stop trying to change people.
15. Stop looking for answers outside of yourself.
16. Stop thinking you did something wrong.
17. Be your weird, crazy, beautiful self.
18. Follow your heart.
19. Risk everything for love.
20. Reject rejection.
21. See the world as a beautiful, safe, and loving place.
22. See everyone as equals.
23. Give up all attachments to stuff.
24. Recognize the journey is the reward.
25. Stay hopeful and optimistic in difficult situations.
26. Welcome all life lessons.
27. See the opportunities in every challenge rather than give up.
28. Live your values.
29. Inspire others by your own bigness.
30. Play with the world.

Sounds easy, but this is really tough stuff!   We are very emotional beings, and at a certain age we are set in our ways.  Sometimes it takes a real life change to rethink how you live. 

For me, even after 5 years, I am still figuring out how my life should “be.”  I met Ray at such a young age that we built our life to be what it was over a 21 year period.  That all changed in the blink of an eye.  At 47 I am now still restarting who I am…and it’s very difficult.  Everything I/we dreamed of our life after retirement has vanished.  I don’t even think I will ever be able to retire now. 

I will do what I can to accept my changes and I think these 30 bucket list items can help in that.  Happy Birthday Raymond Riker, III.  I love you!  - Jimmy

Joy Peace Strength

Ray and Me New Year's 2005

Today is the fifth year anniversary of the loss of my best friend and soul mate, Raymond P. Riker, III.  I could tell you exactly everything I did that day hour by hour.  Etched in my mind forever.  As I mentioned in my Facebook post today, I am not the person I was and I am not the person I will be.  I have grown.  I have learned.  I still have a long way to go. 

I had a dream about Ray this week.  We were at some type of social event.  He kept his distance from me.  When I would come near him he would turn and walk away.  I felt he was pushing me away from him.  I finally met up with him and asked him "what is wrong, why do you keep ignoring me?"  He said "I know what's going on.  You're living with another man in a house."  I told him I wasn't, and asked him who told him that.  He said "your grandma."  I kept promising him I wasn't seeing or living with another man.  When I woke up I was telling Drew about the dream and then I just stopped and started thinking.  What if this is him speaking to me from beyond.  It's quite a stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to think he is letting me go and move on with my life with Drew.  Or maybe it was just a dream from eating spicy food.

Drew has a significant "issue" he is dealing with right now.  Of course, as his partner it affects me as well.  I was in bed this morning praying that God would take this away from us.  Then I thought, it doesn't matter if he takes this away from us, there will just be another burden placed on us again and again.  So I prayed that God would help me keep joy while going through this, peace in my soul, and strength to get through and deal with it.  I felt much more peaceful after that.  I'm just leaving it in God's hands.

I will go to the cemetery this evening when Drew gets home from work.  I'm sure he will want to go.  Enjoy life! - Jimmy