Happy Half Century

I turn 50 today!  I'm kind of feeling emotionally "down" about it.  I know it's "just a number" but it is a time in life of reflection.  I reflect on my life and it sure isn't where I planned it would be.  In addition, this is my very first birthday without my mother.  No card or call from her this year.  (Sad face.) 

I am fortunate for the love and care I have from family members still around.  However, being so far away from them makes me a bit sad.  Fortunately I have some great friends (and former Kirby House guests) who are visiting the area and treating Mary, Drew and me to dinner tonight at Tello's in South Haven.  They also took Drew and me to Everyday People Café last night.  That is the excitement to my 50th birthday, other than taking Drew to the doctor today. 

I was very happy to have my sister and three nieces visit me a couple weeks ago.  They made the trip here from the Detroit area during the kids' spring break.  We really had a nice time and my sister treated us to Phil's Bar & Grille in Saugatuck.  We had a fun day shopping in downtown Holland as well.  It was a nice early birthday celebration. 

The sun finally came out today.  That might help lift my spirits.  I did take two days off from work so maybe I'll do some "birthday shopping" Saturday or Sunday.  Happy Half Century.  - Jimmy

I Was Always Her "Little Boy"

Life changes in an instant.  Since I last blogged I have experienced many things in these two months I have been off work.  I have been through reliving the loss of my spouse Ray Riker, spent five nights with my mother in Detroit, took a day trip to Chicago to celebrate Drew's birthday, spent time with great friends from Illinois during the week of Drew's birthday, and my mother passed away. 

Her favorite hobby - shopping!

My mother passed away on Tuesday night, February 28, 2017.  She had fallen and broke a femur bone.  She was in the hospital and had a successful surgery to repair the bone.  In spite of some other health issues we were going to have to deal with for her, things looked promising for her recovery.  She took a quick decline in her health, suffered a heart attack while in the hospital and passed away pretty quickly. 

I knew the day would come.  I dreaded the reality of that day - but I knew it was inevitable.  My hopes were that it would be several years yet before that reality.  I know of people doing just fine in their late 80's and early 90's - so why not her?  Nothing prepares you for the news.  Nothing!  She was two months shy of celebrating her 83rd birthday. 

Each one of us children and grandchildren shared a special and unique bond with her that was individual to each of us.  I feel so sad for my three nieces.  They loved their "mimi" and she cherished them.  They were the absolute love of her life.  They have lost a vital relationship shared with their grandmother.  I can't speak for my sister or brother, but I know each of them shared a special relationship with her that couldn't be experienced by the other and they are suffering terrible loss, depression and grief.  The same is with me. 

My mother was so special to me.  Our bond became stronger after Ray died.  We were both "widowed."  Even after Drew entered my life, we shared the special bond of losing our spouse/soul mate.  Out of three cruises I took with her, two were just with her and me.  Those were special bonding moments.  I loved being able to give her the opportunity to experience life and the world outside of Michigan...outside of the United States.  She was so curious about how others lived in other countries.  She would always step aside and talk to our tour guides and ask about their lives, their jobs, their families, and what it was like to live where they did.  She was so "blown away" at how kind people were in other countries. 

Mom talking to one of our tour guides in St. Thomas

I talked to my mom daily.  Sometimes two to three times a day.  When I visited her I realized how often my brother and sister called her as well.  I often said that she must get tired of us calling her constantly, but she said she didn't.  She said she loved hearing from us.  I believed her too!

I am so happy that Drew and I went to visit her a few weeks ago.  We took her to lunch at the old "Hudson's" restaurant in Oakland Mall.  We stopped at JC Penney's and bought her two new pairs of pants - as she had lost a ton of weight.  It was so special to me.  However, I could see her soul through her eyes.  To me, it looked like her soul was tired.  I had a gut feeling that her health was on a spiraling decline and decided that we would stay two extra nights than our original plan. 

I am so honored that my mother loved me unconditionally.  I loved her so much.  As a second grader I would miss her and my dad so much during the school day, so I carried a picture of them in my lunch box.  My mom wrapped the photo in a plastic sandwich bag to protect it.  I guess I was somewhat of a "mama's boy" - but by my choice, not because she encouraged me to be one.  She probably would have liked some break from me once in a while as a child, but I looked up to her so much and wanted her complete approval.  Even as a man in his 40's, I wanted her approval.

 

I am so happy for the wonderful relationship I had with her as an adult man - but as she would say, I was always her "little boy." - Jimmy

A Great Release

Ray Riker - "The Money Tree" Restaurant - February 1990

This is how I will always remember Ray.  This picture was taken about eight months after we first met.  He was working at "The Money Tree" restaurant in downtown Detroit in the financial district.  The restaurant was closing and this picture was taken for an article about the closure which appeared in the Detroit Free Press.  Ray worked there 11 years.  He was a loyal employee.  Notice the ring on his ring finger.  He took that from me.  I had it as a "pinky" finger ring and it fit his ring finger, he took it and said he wanted to wear it.  I was so proud to have Ray Riker wearing "my" ring!!  After that, I always knew if a ring fit my "pinky" finger it would fit his "ring" finger.

Today is the seventh anniversary of his death.  I've done pretty good today.  It started with a brunch celebration of his life with Drew, Ray's sister Marguerite and me.  Then we watched about two hours of videos from 1995-1996.  (Poor Drew enduring that!)  After my dad died in April of 1995 I decided to purchase a video camera and record my life.  Little did I know how wonderful it would be to watch my memories unfold right in front of me (let alone on a 50 inch television!!!).  To see and hear my brother, Ray, and others that have gone on is just amazing! 

More about this picture.  I like to get up in the mornings about three hours before I have to leave for work. I make my coffee, feed the pets, and get cozy on the couch.  Before I watch GMA I check Facebook and search the internet.  I search the internet like I searched the encyclopedias when I was a child.  I would pull one section out (...say a book that was categorized E-G) and look through it.  Randomly reading about things.  This is what I do in the mornings when I search the internet.  One day about three weeks ago I decided to "google" Ray's name.  One link brought me to an Historical Archive of photos from newspapers.  Out of thousands of photos this one came up...AND it was for sale!  I had to have it!!  I decided to give it to Ray's sister Marguerite as she was working with him at "The Money Tree" when this photo was taken and she also was in the article (but no photo of her for sale...sorry Marguerite).  I gave this to her today for Christmas. 

As I said, this photo is how I always remember Ray.  In the past I have seen elderly couples and have thought about how old they look.  I am surprised (not sure why) when I see photos of them in their youth and how amazing they look!  I realize that when they reached 80 years old they still see the person they met when they were young.  This picture is how I always saw my Ray...and how I always will. 

We ended the day with a visit to the cemetery...Marguerite and I.  I've been at "peace" this year during the anniversary of his prognosis and death.  Not "total" peace, but at peace.  After seven years.  I cried terribly on the way home from the cemetery.  All the emotions of January 3, 2010 flooding my soul.  A great release.  - Jimmy

I Think It's Here to Stay For A While

I am at peace.  It's been seven years, but I am at peace this Christmastime.  Since 2009, when Ray's cancer diagnosis and complications began, until just this year - I have had major anxiety, depression and dread this time of year.  I've gotten through those seasons with a lot of masks.  I had a mask for the depression, one for dread, one for anxiety and a number of others to cover up how I was feeling.  I was open about my feelings in my blog - so anyone reading this knows what I was going through, but for others I think I hid it pretty well.

One definition of peace is "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility."  I took it a step further to find the definition of "disturbance."  One definition of disturbance is "the disruption of healthy functioning."  That has been me.  I've been living a disruption of healthy functioning.  I feel that I have freedom from that.  While I don't expect this to be permanent, I do strongly feel inside that I have reached a plateau.  A person will never have permanent peace until one with God, but I truly feel I have reached a point in the grief process that my body, my brain, and my emotions are all working together as one...for good. 

Over the last few years I have felt that my life is "over."  By that I mean that I didn't see any future for me that seemed better...or bright.  I do now.  I feel a zest for life.  I want to do more with who I am now as a different person than I was seven years ago.  I want to do something different because I am different. 

I am happy.  I am at peace...and I think it's here to stay for a while.  - Jimmy

Without That

Cries this morning...for Ray. Looking at a photo posted on Facebook of Ray's (and my future) tombstone.  The photo was posted by my friend and former guest Dave. He placed some pumpkins at Ray's grave for Halloween. There were so many "likes" and when I saw all who "liked" the photo it made me cry. I looked at each name and thought of each relationship Ray had with each individual.

Each year as I approach the anniversary of his diagnosis, surgery and death I get major anxiety and depression. And...I usually need to medicate for a few months. I'm hoping I can get through this year without that.  - Jimmy

Haiku, Friends, Memories of Mackinac Island & Huntington's

A life lived

Complimented with wonderful friends

Completes a happy life

I've had the great opportunity to spend the last week with wonderful friends of mine.  Friends I met through the bed and breakfast and a friend from my work back in Detroit.  Their visits made me happy.  We spoke of memories with Ray but that didn't sadden me - for a change.  These friends came at separate times and treated Drew and me to dinner and I made dinner a couple of nights. 

Their visits were great for my soul.  I don't really get out much socially as money can be an issue and I kind of like the solitude of being home alone - with Drew and my "babies."  This last week's socialization was much needed for me.   It was also needed for Drew.  As his disability has made it pretty much difficult to have a job, he stays home all day (and night) without much socialization.  We had a talk about that recently.  I think it would be great for him to get out and volunteer somewhere.  He stated that he would like to start going to church.  I told him that I think that would be awesome.  It would give him a chance to get out and socialize - not to mention it would be good food for his soul.  There is a great church in Douglas that our friend Mary goes to.  I work on Sundays so I am not able to attend.  (Also, having a very bad taste of the "church" experience as a kid - a Pastor's Kid - I have a difficult time with "church" which I need to eventually deal with.)

In addition to the friends I spent time with last week I am happy to say that Susie (Ray's sister from Colorado) came to town and I will be spending time with her and Marguerite (one of Ray's other sisters) tomorrow night.  She is always so fun to be with.  I love to tease her because she falls for it every time and then we laugh about it.  

It's a lovely autumn day here in Saugatuck.  The sun is out and the air is cool.  This type of day reminds me of being on Mackinac Island with Ray during our annual "post Labor Day" trip.  We always cherished those trips as it was our turn to relax and let others "wait" on us.  One time we were in our room at the Hotel Iroquois and I said to Ray "I love the sound of that."  He asked what I was referring to and I told him it was the sound of a vacuum in the hallway.  I said, "it's nice to hear someone else vacuuming."  It was always so nice to chill out on the Island.  We didn't have to worry about driving anywhere - as there are no cars on the island (except for emergency vehicles).  We always felt refreshed and renewed when we got back home.  It gave us the energy to get back to our hospitality work at the bed and breakfast and start planning our "off season" event packages.  

On our last trip in 2009 we made it to the Bavarian restaurant owned by the Grand Hotel called "Woods."  It was in the center of the Island on a hill.  A horse drawn carriage from the Grand Hotel picked us up and took us (and other diners) up past the Grand and to the restaurant.  It was a great experience and beautiful restaurant.  

 

We continue to get treatment for Drew's Huntington's Disease.  Tomorrow I take him to Blodgett Hospital in Grand Rapids.  He is having a "swallow test" done.  They will do a CT scan and capture images of him swallowing things. One of the functions that degenerates over time in patients with Huntington's Disease is swallowing.  So this will be the first test to gauge where he is at right now.  I don't think he has any problems at this point, but I guess this will allow doctors to follow his progression for the future.  He's being taken care of by many great specialists.  I'm hoping that by being pro-active we can keep on top of things and the latest breakthroughs.  While a cure is far from becoming a reality, I've heard from our small town pharmacist that major advancements to treating the effects of the disease are close.  He's been losing major weight (another issue in many patients) and I am concerned about that.  We spoke to his neurologist about this last month and we are working on increasing his caloric intake.   

After Drew's hospital visit (weather permitting) we plan to take in some sights at this year's "Art Prize."  Some customers told me that there is a display in front of the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum made from all kitchen gadgets.  It is called "Black Market" by Justin La Doux.  I think that would be pretty cool to see.  This event has become quite internationally known.  

This is my life, these are my thoughts.  Keeping this blog over the last six years has helped me to look back at my life after Ray died and see how I've been progressing.  It's therapeutic for me, interesting for some and boring for others.  But this has been for me more than anything else.  - Jimmy

God Bless!

I started working at The Butler Pantry (a kitchen, gourmet food store) in downtown Saugatuck on April 24.  I am now officially out of the lodging industry.  It's a real nice change.  I love the in-person "one on one" interactions with customers (which I keep calling "guests").  I spent three years on the phone eight hours a day.  That just isn't me.  There is so much more physical activity now that I have lost 14 pounds since I started.  (In fact, I've lost 32 pounds since last June which was much needed.)  I love working there and am so happy I had this opportunity to make the change. 

Last week a great friend of mine from the Bank I worked at visited us.  It was so nice to spend time with him, share memories, laugh and eat.  On Friday another mutual friend (and his partner) came in from the Detroit area to spend the weekend at their Saugatuck home.  They invited Drew and me for dinner.  I had an amazing time.  I felt "normal" for a moment.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that, but just being around old friends having appetizers, cocktails, conversations, dinner and this not being friends from the B&B or Saugatuck just made me feel like my old self.  It was like being in another world (an old familiar world) that had nothing to do with my Saugatuck past. 

Sometimes I think it would be good for me to relocate to a place where no one knows me or my past.  A fresh start.  A place where there are no memories of Ray.  I love my memories with him but I am bombarded by them daily.  I think more so due to living in such a small town.  I can't escape the daily constant reminders of my past life with him in such small surroundings.  I think it makes it more difficult to move on to the new me.  Six years have gone by and I still struggle.  It's better. Way better than it was six years ago, five years ago, and even last year.  But I struggle. 

When I'm driving alone I have time to think (which is not always so good).  When I have those times and I start thinking about Ray and our past life it's like a wave coming down crashing on me pushing me under water.  It overtakes my body and I cry.  I know what that wave feels like.  When Ray and I first went to Hawaii we both bought $1.99 blow up rafts at the ABC Store to use in the hotel pool.  When we read "no pool toys" were allowed we took them to the ocean.  Well, I was not too familiar with many beaches at that time beyond Metro Park Beach at 16 Mile Rd.  The waves on Poipu Beach in Hawaii are quite bigger than Metro Beach.  I got out on my $1.99 raft and saw some waves coming in.  I swam out to them and a big one came.  It was probably about 10 feet tall.  I saw it start to come down on me and I just squeezed my arms around my raft so I wouldn't lose it, held my breath and closed my eyes.  CRASH.  The force pushed me under water and into a swirling heap of twists and turns.  I surfaced and another one came.  Ray swam over to me on his raft.  He came to help get me out of this current and he came because his raft had a small hole and was losing air.  I will never forget that feeling.  (Below is a picture of me in our hotel room right after this incident.  The flowers were sent to us by Ray's sister Susie.  You can see how exhausted I look.)

I have been wanting to start a side business doing photography.  I have always had a passion for photography and did some of that for the Bank when I worked there.  When they found out how good my photos were they decided it was much less expensive to have me do it than pay a professional.  I have no other professional experience other than doing it for the B&B and as a hobby.  But I think I'm pretty good at it.  I've set up a website and have been working on it.  My fear is that it actually may take off and I might feel as if I bit off more than I could chew.  Plus, I have a lot to learn and know very little about the industry (other than discussions with photographers who have stayed at The Kirby House).  The website is www.abfabphotos.com. 

Drew and I are continuing to deal with his Huntington's Disease.  We have been going to several different professionals including a Genetics Doctor, Neuro-Psychologist, Speech Therapist, etc.  I have to keep an eye on him to be sure he eats, hydrates, and doesn't trip or fall on something.  I keep a watchful eye on our surroundings when we are out and about and warn him to be careful of things I see.  He is doing well but we just have to keep an eye on things. 

This is pretty much my update on my life right now.  God Bless! - Jimmy