My Turn

It's been seven years and seven months since Ray had his colonoscopy.  Now it's my turn.  Tomorrow is the big day.  I have to admit I am a bit nervous.  Normally I would be very nonchalant about this as it's a "normal procedure" and "even if they find something it's easy to 'fix'."  However, that is what Ray and I were told.  We went to his colonoscopy very calm and figured we would go to eat lunch after it was over.  Of course when we found out about the cancer neither of us felt like eating and we went home. 

I remember calling my mom when we got home.  I even remember the phone I had.  It was a red RAZR phone.  Just like the one below.  (I thought that phone was so cool and modern by the way.)

I went outside to call her as I didn't want to distress Ray.  She tried to reassure me but deep down I felt like this was a pivotal life experience and something could go wrong.  I must admit over the next several weeks I had thoughts that this could be our last Thanksgiving together...our last Christmas together...and it was.

I need to leave home at about 7:00 am.  Mary is driving me and Drew is coming along.  (Drew has been advised that it is in his...and others'...best interest not to drive any longer due to his Huntington's Disease.)  I need to register at the hospital at 7:45 am.  I can't wait till this is over as I am so hungry.  I have not eaten anything in 24 hours and I still have about 15 hours to go. 

I hope my next blog will be great news!  But as I said...it's my turn.  - Jimmy

Happy Mother's Day Mom (in Heaven).

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.  I have to say, I am honored that I was able to have her with me for the first 50 years of my life.  Ray's mom died when he was so young as did Drew's.  I am happy to be celebrating this day with my great friend Friedl.  She flew in from New Hampshire and we are going to the "Mother's Day Brunch" at Clearbrook.  We did that for several years on Mother's Day after Ray died and I am excited to continue this tradition.

Ray and my mom (Audrey Ruth Weishaupt Gowran)

on our Caribbean Cruise in 2008.

Today is an absolutely gorgeous sunny day!  Looking forward to it.  I had yesterday off from work as well as today and tomorrow.  A nice break.  I am taking Friedl back to the airport tomorrow.  It will have been a great five day visit!  - Jimmy

Happy Half Century

I turn 50 today!  I'm kind of feeling emotionally "down" about it.  I know it's "just a number" but it is a time in life of reflection.  I reflect on my life and it sure isn't where I planned it would be.  In addition, this is my very first birthday without my mother.  No card or call from her this year.  (Sad face.) 

I am fortunate for the love and care I have from family members still around.  However, being so far away from them makes me a bit sad.  Fortunately I have some great friends (and former Kirby House guests) who are visiting the area and treating Mary, Drew and me to dinner tonight at Tello's in South Haven.  They also took Drew and me to Everyday People Café last night.  That is the excitement to my 50th birthday, other than taking Drew to the doctor today. 

I was very happy to have my sister and three nieces visit me a couple weeks ago.  They made the trip here from the Detroit area during the kids' spring break.  We really had a nice time and my sister treated us to Phil's Bar & Grille in Saugatuck.  We had a fun day shopping in downtown Holland as well.  It was a nice early birthday celebration. 

The sun finally came out today.  That might help lift my spirits.  I did take two days off from work so maybe I'll do some "birthday shopping" Saturday or Sunday.  Happy Half Century.  - Jimmy

I Was Always Her "Little Boy"

Life changes in an instant.  Since I last blogged I have experienced many things in these two months I have been off work.  I have been through reliving the loss of my spouse Ray Riker, spent five nights with my mother in Detroit, took a day trip to Chicago to celebrate Drew's birthday, spent time with great friends from Illinois during the week of Drew's birthday, and my mother passed away. 

Her favorite hobby - shopping!

My mother passed away on Tuesday night, February 28, 2017.  She had fallen and broke a femur bone.  She was in the hospital and had a successful surgery to repair the bone.  In spite of some other health issues we were going to have to deal with for her, things looked promising for her recovery.  She took a quick decline in her health, suffered a heart attack while in the hospital and passed away pretty quickly. 

I knew the day would come.  I dreaded the reality of that day - but I knew it was inevitable.  My hopes were that it would be several years yet before that reality.  I know of people doing just fine in their late 80's and early 90's - so why not her?  Nothing prepares you for the news.  Nothing!  She was two months shy of celebrating her 83rd birthday. 

Each one of us children and grandchildren shared a special and unique bond with her that was individual to each of us.  I feel so sad for my three nieces.  They loved their "mimi" and she cherished them.  They were the absolute love of her life.  They have lost a vital relationship shared with their grandmother.  I can't speak for my sister or brother, but I know each of them shared a special relationship with her that couldn't be experienced by the other and they are suffering terrible loss, depression and grief.  The same is with me. 

My mother was so special to me.  Our bond became stronger after Ray died.  We were both "widowed."  Even after Drew entered my life, we shared the special bond of losing our spouse/soul mate.  Out of three cruises I took with her, two were just with her and me.  Those were special bonding moments.  I loved being able to give her the opportunity to experience life and the world outside of Michigan...outside of the United States.  She was so curious about how others lived in other countries.  She would always step aside and talk to our tour guides and ask about their lives, their jobs, their families, and what it was like to live where they did.  She was so "blown away" at how kind people were in other countries. 

Mom talking to one of our tour guides in St. Thomas

I talked to my mom daily.  Sometimes two to three times a day.  When I visited her I realized how often my brother and sister called her as well.  I often said that she must get tired of us calling her constantly, but she said she didn't.  She said she loved hearing from us.  I believed her too!

I am so happy that Drew and I went to visit her a few weeks ago.  We took her to lunch at the old "Hudson's" restaurant in Oakland Mall.  We stopped at JC Penney's and bought her two new pairs of pants - as she had lost a ton of weight.  It was so special to me.  However, I could see her soul through her eyes.  To me, it looked like her soul was tired.  I had a gut feeling that her health was on a spiraling decline and decided that we would stay two extra nights than our original plan. 

I am so honored that my mother loved me unconditionally.  I loved her so much.  As a second grader I would miss her and my dad so much during the school day, so I carried a picture of them in my lunch box.  My mom wrapped the photo in a plastic sandwich bag to protect it.  I guess I was somewhat of a "mama's boy" - but by my choice, not because she encouraged me to be one.  She probably would have liked some break from me once in a while as a child, but I looked up to her so much and wanted her complete approval.  Even as a man in his 40's, I wanted her approval.

 

I am so happy for the wonderful relationship I had with her as an adult man - but as she would say, I was always her "little boy." - Jimmy

A Great Release

Ray Riker - "The Money Tree" Restaurant - February 1990

This is how I will always remember Ray.  This picture was taken about eight months after we first met.  He was working at "The Money Tree" restaurant in downtown Detroit in the financial district.  The restaurant was closing and this picture was taken for an article about the closure which appeared in the Detroit Free Press.  Ray worked there 11 years.  He was a loyal employee.  Notice the ring on his ring finger.  He took that from me.  I had it as a "pinky" finger ring and it fit his ring finger, he took it and said he wanted to wear it.  I was so proud to have Ray Riker wearing "my" ring!!  After that, I always knew if a ring fit my "pinky" finger it would fit his "ring" finger.

Today is the seventh anniversary of his death.  I've done pretty good today.  It started with a brunch celebration of his life with Drew, Ray's sister Marguerite and me.  Then we watched about two hours of videos from 1995-1996.  (Poor Drew enduring that!)  After my dad died in April of 1995 I decided to purchase a video camera and record my life.  Little did I know how wonderful it would be to watch my memories unfold right in front of me (let alone on a 50 inch television!!!).  To see and hear my brother, Ray, and others that have gone on is just amazing! 

More about this picture.  I like to get up in the mornings about three hours before I have to leave for work. I make my coffee, feed the pets, and get cozy on the couch.  Before I watch GMA I check Facebook and search the internet.  I search the internet like I searched the encyclopedias when I was a child.  I would pull one section out (...say a book that was categorized E-G) and look through it.  Randomly reading about things.  This is what I do in the mornings when I search the internet.  One day about three weeks ago I decided to "google" Ray's name.  One link brought me to an Historical Archive of photos from newspapers.  Out of thousands of photos this one came up...AND it was for sale!  I had to have it!!  I decided to give it to Ray's sister Marguerite as she was working with him at "The Money Tree" when this photo was taken and she also was in the article (but no photo of her for sale...sorry Marguerite).  I gave this to her today for Christmas. 

As I said, this photo is how I always remember Ray.  In the past I have seen elderly couples and have thought about how old they look.  I am surprised (not sure why) when I see photos of them in their youth and how amazing they look!  I realize that when they reached 80 years old they still see the person they met when they were young.  This picture is how I always saw my Ray...and how I always will. 

We ended the day with a visit to the cemetery...Marguerite and I.  I've been at "peace" this year during the anniversary of his prognosis and death.  Not "total" peace, but at peace.  After seven years.  I cried terribly on the way home from the cemetery.  All the emotions of January 3, 2010 flooding my soul.  A great release.  - Jimmy

I Think It's Here to Stay For A While

I am at peace.  It's been seven years, but I am at peace this Christmastime.  Since 2009, when Ray's cancer diagnosis and complications began, until just this year - I have had major anxiety, depression and dread this time of year.  I've gotten through those seasons with a lot of masks.  I had a mask for the depression, one for dread, one for anxiety and a number of others to cover up how I was feeling.  I was open about my feelings in my blog - so anyone reading this knows what I was going through, but for others I think I hid it pretty well.

One definition of peace is "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility."  I took it a step further to find the definition of "disturbance."  One definition of disturbance is "the disruption of healthy functioning."  That has been me.  I've been living a disruption of healthy functioning.  I feel that I have freedom from that.  While I don't expect this to be permanent, I do strongly feel inside that I have reached a plateau.  A person will never have permanent peace until one with God, but I truly feel I have reached a point in the grief process that my body, my brain, and my emotions are all working together as one...for good. 

Over the last few years I have felt that my life is "over."  By that I mean that I didn't see any future for me that seemed better...or bright.  I do now.  I feel a zest for life.  I want to do more with who I am now as a different person than I was seven years ago.  I want to do something different because I am different. 

I am happy.  I am at peace...and I think it's here to stay for a while.  - Jimmy

Without That

Cries this morning...for Ray. Looking at a photo posted on Facebook of Ray's (and my future) tombstone.  The photo was posted by my friend and former guest Dave. He placed some pumpkins at Ray's grave for Halloween. There were so many "likes" and when I saw all who "liked" the photo it made me cry. I looked at each name and thought of each relationship Ray had with each individual.

Each year as I approach the anniversary of his diagnosis, surgery and death I get major anxiety and depression. And...I usually need to medicate for a few months. I'm hoping I can get through this year without that.  - Jimmy