At Least Not For Me

Our Last Photo Together - December 11, 2009

Well, so far this year I have done quite well as the anniversary of Ray's death approaches.  It was eight years ago today that Ray had his colon surgery.  On the way to the hospital Ray asked me if I thought he would make it.  I held his hand and said "of course." 

Speaking of doing good so far...Drew and I have been busy doing things which I haven't done in a long, long time.  We took the train to Chicago last week and had lunch at Macy's (former State Street Marhal Field's) "Walnut Room".  We got to see the giant tree and shop a little.  Afterwards we walked to the Christkindl Markt.  There were all kinds of booths set up with merchandise from Germany, as well as traditional German food.  I even bought some leberkaese...something I fell in love with when I went to Vienna with my friend Friedl.  I actually purchased four uncooked slices so I could cook them at home. 

This last Saturday we attended "The Nutcracker Ballet" in Grand Rapids.  I haven't been to a full, live performance of this since seeing it at the Fox Theatre in Detroit around 1991.  The Grand Rapids Ballet Company and The Grand Rapids Symphony did an amazing job.  It truly was spectacular.  We strolled the streets of downtown Grand Rapids before and after.  Stopped in the Amway Grand Hotel and then walked by the skating rink and big tree.  It's been nice getting back to "cultural" things after almost five years.  I've had to adjust to so much change in my life (and I'm not even referring to the loss of Ray) over the last five to six years and I think I was just trying to get some balance and routine in my life.

One great loss I will have this Christmas is the absence of my mother.  The first time ever that she will not be around at Christmas.  She passed away in February due to complications from surgery on a broken femur bone.  Although I haven't been with her physically every Christmas since moving to Saugatuck in 1998, it was comforting knowing she was just a phone call away...and we did talked EVERY day.   

After eight years I am STILL settling into my life.  You would think it would just happen but it doesn't, at least not for me.  - Jimmy

My Anniversary Begins...

Eight years ago today my journey of grief began.  Although November 19, 2009 wasn't the official day of grieving the death of Ray Riker, it was the official day I began to grieve our "old life."  What began as what we expected to be a normal day with a routine colonoscopy changed our lives...forever.  It was a routine exam (so we were told).  It was only scheduled because Ray turned 50 and this is what men are supposed to do when they turn 50.  He had no signs, no symptoms.  We had absolutely no reason to believe the routine exam would find cancer.

I went along on the exam for several reasons.  For support.  To be the designated driver.  That is what couples do for each other.  After the exam we were going to go to Panera Bread for lunch.  We were both hungry.  I fasted along with Ray the night before...so I was eager to have a meal too.  Ray had never been to Panera Bread and I had only been introduced to it a few weeks earlier when my friend Carolyn was in town visiting during Halloween. 

When we checked in to the doctor's office I was told to have a seat in the waiting area.  I was informed it would take about an hour and a half.  I finished a book I was reading titled "Saving Sammy:  A Mother's Fight to Cure Her Son's OCD."  It was approaching the two hour mark and finally a nurse came out and called me in.  I expected they were going to have me push Ray out in a wheelchair and needed my assistance with that.  Instead they took me into a conference type room.  Ray was already sitting there in a chair.  I was confused.  They had me sit.  A nurse and the doctor took a chart out and pointed.  It was a diagram of the colorectal system.  They pointed to an area and said "...the cancer we found is here..."  I was more than taken aback.  "What the hell..." is what I thought.  They didn't prep me for this at all.  Just "BAM" "...the cancer we found..."  I realize I have no medical training but I would think they would have eased into the information such as saying "Today we did a colonoscopy on Ray.  This is what we did...this is how it was done...we found something that wasn't right...we found cancer."  I looked at Ray and asked him "did you know this?"  I wasn't sure if he was just finding out too.  He said he knew.  We were told they found it early and it was small and all will be ok. 

We left the doctor's office after discussion about seeing a surgeon.  Neither of us were hungry anymore...(at lease neither of us felt like eating).  I drove us home.  After getting in the house I went out the back door and called my mom.  I didn't want Ray to hear me.  I informed her of what we found out.  She gave me encouragement. 

We kept getting assured that this is the easiest cancer to get rid of.  We were given hope.  I know in the back of my mind I kept thinking "what if."  What if this is our last Christmas?  What if it's worse than we thought?  What if....?  Although Ray never said it, I know he was thinking the same thing.  I could tell by his behaviors.  He was savoring each moment.  For many years we didn't attend the holiday lighting ceremony in Saugatuck.  Ray thought it had become lame, but this year he wanted to go.  He started going through boxes of family memories in the basement.  It was as if he was preparing for the "what if." 

November 19, 2009 changed my life forever.  Not a day goes by without me thinking about Ray.  Everyday!  I still cry...not as often, but several times a month.  There are still things of his I can't part with.  I still grieve everyday in some way.  My anniversary begins...   - Jimmy

The Best Friday of My Life

This is how I will always remember Raymond Riker, III

September 22, 1989 - it was a Friday, just like today in 2017.  The calendar this year matches 1989.  The absolute best year of my life.  That was the year I met my soul mate Raymond Perry Riker, III.  We first caught eyes on Memorial Day of that year and four months later we had our actual "first date."  Etched in my mind forever.  We went to Salute on Woodward near Six Mile Rd. in Detroit.  There was about an hour and a half wait for a table - but we didn't care.  We talked, laughed, teased...I would have waited hours just to be with him.

We were never legally allowed to marry during his lifetime and so we never had an actual anniversary date of marriage.  We decided to make it the day we both knew we were in love with each other.  That day was September 22.  Every year after we celebrated our anniversary on this day.  It has been 28 years since we met.  More years than I had lived on the earth at that time.  I was a 22 year old "boy" and Ray was 30.  Acquaintances of his "warned" him that I was too young.  I was too much of a risk to get involved with.  I would have a fling and move on to someone younger.  He followed his heart and we stayed together for the rest of his life.

In an odd way he is still part of my life.  Of course there isn't a day that goes by in which he isn't on my mind.  In fact - in a way he is always on my mind.  I make recipes of his and remember his great food.  I listen to music and can't help but think of memories they bring of us together.  I put up holiday decorations (...including Halloween which Ray knew was my favorite) and remember when we bought this or that decoration.  It's totally impossible to "move on."  That just absolutely cannot happen when you lose your soul mate to death.  In a few months it will be eight years since he's been gone and I realize that your life changes but you don't "move on," you "go on."

So as I look at today's calendar, Friday, September 22, 2017 I am reminded of the best Friday of my life, September 22, 1989. - Jimmy

Then I Woke Up

I had the most intense dream on Monday morning, September 11, 2017.  I have never experienced anything like this.  Everything was crystal clear and it seemed like I was really "there."

I was in a school building and my friend Tao gave me a key to a locker. I set off looking to find the locker that the key fit.  I walked down the second floor hall and there were people around me...apparently going to class.  I realized at this point I was dreaming and knew I could do whatever I wanted.  I kept going down the hall and found a stairway.  I went down the stairs and found a store and café (located on the first floor of the school).  The store had a clearance section.  There was a miniature pool table on clearance.  It had legs about four inches high and the table top was about 8 x 4 inches.  Instead of billiard balls on the table there were miniature animals.  It seemed to be a "Noah's Ark" theme souvenir.  It was on clearance for $12.95.

I moved on to looking for the locker.  I found a door and opened it.  I saw that it was an exit and I could see it was rainy and windy out but it didn't seem like it was cold.  (Mind you - the dream occurred just after Hurricane Harvey and the beginning of Hurricane Irma - so this must have been on my mind...I'm assuming).  I decided to go outside through this exit door.  I wanted to explore where I was.  Again, everything was crystal clear, unlike any dream I've had before.  I noticed a subway/train depot platform across the street.  I figured it would indicate where I was at so I crossed over to read what station it was and where I was at.  The signs ended up being ads for board games and what appeared to be some type of "NASCAR" race advertisement.  There were letters of the English alphabet but they didn't spell anything out that made sense.  I walked off the platform and saw a pregnant woman walking my way.  I was going to ask her where I was but she just passed by me, kind of rudely, as if she wasn't interested in talking to me.

At this point I am now in a house on the second floor.  I decided to rest.  I saw my dog Harley sitting on an ottoman next to the couch I was on.  I picked him up to hold him.  He was old, feeble and blind.  He seemed uncomfortable so I put him back on the ottoman.  Then my cat Gabby (which passed away in May of 2010) came up to me.  She was in perfect health/condition.  I pet her.

I got off the couch and decided to try to leave.  I looked out a window (which was low to the floor).  It was beautiful out other than still being rainy and windy.  It was a very clear view.

Next I find myself lying on my chest, face down.  I felt as if someone was trying to pick me up.  Their arms were through my shoulders trying to get me up from the floor.  It was Ray!  At this point I was sure I was probably dying in real life and people were trying to get me up and revive me.  I said "I think I may be dreaming or dying in real life and people are trying to revive me but I don't think I can go back."  I truly felt like my soul/body was in this new world and there was no way to wake up or go back.  Ray asked me to lick up some orange juice that appeared to have spilled on a leather ottoman.  I said I didn't want to.  Then he said "how was the drink?"  I replied "what drink?"  He asked again..."how was the drink?"  I asked "what drink?"  Then he laughed hard (his typical laugh) and said loud and clearly "how was the drive?"  I said "I didn't drive, I came straight to heaven."  He smiled, laughed and hung his head on my shoulder from behind me while still holding me up from my arms.  I could see his profile and his hair.  I ran my hands through his hair and just felt it.  I was laughing and crying at the same time saying "I can feel your hair!  I can feel your hair!"  I was soo happy to see him.

Then I woke up.

- Jimmy

I Am Happy

Well, I had my colonoscopy yesterday and they found NOTHING!  No cancer and no polyps.  I was so happy.  This has been bothering me for years and I am so glad everything checked out perfect.

The procedure was "nothing."  Mary drove Drew and me.  We got to the hospital at 7:30 am and I was checked-in by 7:45.  I was hooked up to an I.V., heart monitor and blood pressure cusp.  When I got into the procedure room the anesthesiologist told me I would be "out" within 8 seconds.  They put an oxygen tube into my nostrils, asked me to turn and lay on my left side and the next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up.  Absolutely amazing.  I didn't know anything happened.  The preparation day was the worst part of it.  Mainly having to fast for about 36 hours.  I was soooo hungry!  The stuff I had to drink was even fine.  I was just hungry and had to stay close to the toilet.  That day was the worst. 

After a great night's sleep I felt terrific this morning.  I came across the song "Zombies" by "The Cranberries" while I was surfing the internet today.  This group reminds me so much of Ray as we both loved "The Cranberries."  I (of course) started to cry.  I think another part of my grieving (which will always continue and morph) is that I feel as if I created 21 years of memories for nothing.  At least that's how I thought about it today.  I have so many memories I created over the years and no one to share them with.  I can't say to Drew "do you remember when we took this or that trip" or "remember when we did this or that?"  I guess Drew and I have our own memories but my memories with Ray were in my formative adult years so they are VERY special to me.  So in a sense it kind of feels like that was all a waste for me. 

I made one last trip to VanTil's Nursery this afternoon.  I got 33% off.  This is the first year since I left the B&B that I have gotten so much into gardening.  Things look so nice and I'm enjoying the time I spend planting and watering.  My gardens don't look anything like Ray's but I don't have the money we used to have to do this, however I'm getting compliments from neighbors...so that makes me happy. 

In spite of the things that run through my head daily I am really feeling good about where I am right now.  I've gotten a lot of things more organized in the last four months.  Even though it's been more than four years since we moved in here I finally have a great filing system for bills and important papers.  I have organized our "basement" (I call it a basement even though it's grade level).  Now I'm working on getting our pantry and kitchen in a better place.  Plus, after being here now over four years it's starting to feel like home.  I am happy.  - Jimmy

My Turn

It's been seven years and seven months since Ray had his colonoscopy.  Now it's my turn.  Tomorrow is the big day.  I have to admit I am a bit nervous.  Normally I would be very nonchalant about this as it's a "normal procedure" and "even if they find something it's easy to 'fix'."  However, that is what Ray and I were told.  We went to his colonoscopy very calm and figured we would go to eat lunch after it was over.  Of course when we found out about the cancer neither of us felt like eating and we went home. 

I remember calling my mom when we got home.  I even remember the phone I had.  It was a red RAZR phone.  Just like the one below.  (I thought that phone was so cool and modern by the way.)

I went outside to call her as I didn't want to distress Ray.  She tried to reassure me but deep down I felt like this was a pivotal life experience and something could go wrong.  I must admit over the next several weeks I had thoughts that this could be our last Thanksgiving together...our last Christmas together...and it was.

I need to leave home at about 7:00 am.  Mary is driving me and Drew is coming along.  (Drew has been advised that it is in his...and others'...best interest not to drive any longer due to his Huntington's Disease.)  I need to register at the hospital at 7:45 am.  I can't wait till this is over as I am so hungry.  I have not eaten anything in 24 hours and I still have about 15 hours to go. 

I hope my next blog will be great news!  But as I said...it's my turn.  - Jimmy

Happy Mother's Day Mom (in Heaven).

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom.  I have to say, I am honored that I was able to have her with me for the first 50 years of my life.  Ray's mom died when he was so young as did Drew's.  I am happy to be celebrating this day with my great friend Friedl.  She flew in from New Hampshire and we are going to the "Mother's Day Brunch" at Clearbrook.  We did that for several years on Mother's Day after Ray died and I am excited to continue this tradition.

Ray and my mom (Audrey Ruth Weishaupt Gowran)

on our Caribbean Cruise in 2008.

Today is an absolutely gorgeous sunny day!  Looking forward to it.  I had yesterday off from work as well as today and tomorrow.  A nice break.  I am taking Friedl back to the airport tomorrow.  It will have been a great five day visit!  - Jimmy