Cries, Coughs and The Oscars

I have been so sick that I haven't even wanted to post a blog.  I had such a severe cough my ribs are so sore.  I feel like I've been sucker punched.  I called my doctor for some prescription cough medicaine...that didn't do much good.  So I went back.  Got some anti-biotics and went to Holland Hospital for chest x-rays.  I hope I don't have pneumonia.  I am waiting to hear from the doctor's office regarding the x-rays.

I felt real sad this last week.  I had an evening in which I cried real hard for the first time in weeks.  I called my mom and she helped me through it.  I guess these releases are still needed.  They are becoming fewer and farther apart. 

I am behind on projects I've watned to do.  I've been so sick that I haven't had energy to do ANYTHING but sit in front of the television.  At least it is the time of year in which I can do that...so I can get well.  With less than a month before my cruise I want to make sure I get completely well. 

Karlene and Drew are coming in tonight.  Karlene will go to see her sister-in-law tomorrow and spend the week at their house in Holland.  Drew will stay here.  I look forward to the quality time with him. 

Tonight I will watch the Oscars.  I have seen four of the movies up for Best Picture:  The Kids are All Right (stupid plot), Toy Story 3 (great movie for all ages), Inception (I'm going to watch this afternoon) and The Social Network (good story about the start up of Facebook).  - Jimmy

My New 50" TV

Well, a few days since I blogged.  Drew came in Saturday and we went to Everyday People Cafe for dinner.  On Sunday we drove into Holland.  We saw at lease three overturned cars.  The weather was terrible.  However, I bought a new 50" plasma television.  Oh my gosh, to see Judge Judy to big is awesome!  Seriously, it is sooo nice.  Last night Friedl came over and we all watched the Sound of Music on this big screen.  So much better than my 25 year old 19" T.V.  I got a great price on the TV at Sam's Club.

So, tonight I was going through my DVR (on the new TV) and clearing out old show I had recorded.  I saw some that were recorded just days before Ray's cancer diagnosis and some just after.  I started to watch them and just cried.  Looking at these shows again and realizing that when we first recorded them we had NO IDEA what was in store.  It was good for me.  A release.  I did get the nerve up to delete them.  It does me no good to keep them on the DVR only to go back and cry.  I want "good memories of Ray." 

My cough still won't go away.  I feel like I've been sucker-punched in the ribs.  It hurts so bad to cough.  Yet I can't control it, so I suffer.  I will go to SuperValu soon to get more Robitussin and maybe rent a movie to watch on my new 50" TV!!!  - Jimmy

Everything Seems Normal

A gorgous, sunny day today.  All the snow has melted away.  Amazing...how so much snow can go away so fast.  I saw daffodils and crocus coming up.  I am still trying to get over this flu so I didn't spend much time outside, although I wish I could have.  I have been coughing so much I feel like I have been kicked repeatedly in the ribs.

I checked in two rooms.  And now making dinner.  A frozen shrimp and pasta dinner made in a skillet on the stove-top.  This is the time when Ray and I would have our dinner together and start talking about and planning our upcoming vacation.  I miss that.  Those are the moments you realize are gone forever.    And, it's moments like this that make it so hard to believe Ray is gone.  I just walked through the hall on the first floor and just felt his presence here.  Not in a "spirit" way, but in a way that you just know Ray was here.  You just "feel" it.  That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I've accepted that though.  I know I can feel all my emotions...good or bad...and it's "ok." 

The cats are all getting along just fine.  It's amazing.  All three were sleeping in bed with me this afternoon as I napped.  Just two weeks ago today Mondo arrived at his new home...and everything seems normal.  - Jimmy

My New Life and My Future

I'm still trying to get over this flu.  At times I feel better and do a couple things around the house...then BAM I have too get to bed and sleep for two hours, then I try again.  I don't do too much but even the slightest amount of work...the slightest...wears me down.  The coughing exhausts me too.  My abdomen feels like I've done hundreds of sit ups.  All from the coughing. 

Today the temperatures went up to the mid 50s!  Can you believe it?!  How nice...although I didn't really get to enjoy it.  I did open a window in my room and the cats LOVED sitting in it breathing in the fresh air.  All the cats are getting along greatly!  I never thought it would work out so quickly.  With all these warm temperatures I can now see my entire lawn!  ALL of the snow on the lawn is gone!  Yeah!

Again I must mention how blessed I am with all my support here in Saugatuck/Douglas.  Friedl came by Monday night and brought me medicine, Gatorade, made me chicken broth and made me drink it along with eating some crackers.  She set out my medicine for me and told me exactly what time to take each thing...having me set the alarm clock to remind me.  She, of course, woke up sick Tuesday morning (although she claims it is not the same thing I have and that she didn't get it from me).  Last evening Candy brought Marguerite and me burgers from Clearbrook for dinner.  How sweet and thoughtful is that!?  I am so blessed.

I'm home alone.  Marguerite went to Detroit and no guests are here.  A big house all to myself.  (Other than my three babies.)  I'm somewhat lonely, but it's good for me.  A time to reflect and think about my new life and my future.  - Jimmy

Tomorrow....

I haven't written in my blog in several days because I came down with the flu.  Yuck!  I started with a cough on Sunday and just thought it was a tickle in my throat.  I went to Friedl's and we watched the Grammy's...it was awesome!  Then, I awoke Monday morning with chills and aches all over my body...uh oh.  Fortunately I had a scheduled six month doctor's appointment Monday morning.  He put me on Tamaflu and said I should be better by Friday.  I hope so.  This has really whiped me out!

That is about all that I can update.  I have been in bed pretty much all day for the last three days.  I hope my day is better tomorrow.  - Jimmy

Ray Made Tonight's Dinner for Me

I stayed up Thursday night until 3:15 a.m.  Or, actually Friday morning.  Went to see Amy Grant in Holland at Central Weslyen Church with guests.  Then, we came back home and socialized.  I stayed up talking with one of the guests until 3:15 a.m.  Today was filled with making breakfast, cleaning rooms, fire inspection, guests checking in, etc.  I am now sitting down in the parlor with Mondo...exhausted.  We are full for the weekend, so that is a good sign.

As I sit here in our parlor I look around at the beauty of the house.  I think back to the times Ray and I would stay somewhere and compare it to the Kirby House.  It makes me feel sad.  Today I looked at a card Ray gave me six days before he died.  I could have broke down into complete tears.  I held back.  I only let a few flow.  I am so proud and happy to have that.  It's so special to look at his handwriting.  So much more personal than emails or e-cards. 

Tonight I am having turkey noodle soup...made by Ray on December 2, 2009.  I found it in the freezer the other day with some other dishes he made.  So, I can officially say "Ray made tonight's dinner for me."  - Jimmy

Routine Days Are Back

I awake early...yet again.  How come when I have to get up early to make breakfast I have a hard time getting out of bed?  Then, when no one is here I wake at 5:30 a.m.? 

Wiley and Magnum are getting along great.  I believe I have picked a new name for Magnum.  I wanted to pick a name I could remember and one that meant something to me.  So, after giving it lots of thought I picked Mondo.  That was Ray's "rock star" name.  When he was in his late teens he was in a neighborhood "rock band."  His name was "Mondo Verone."  (As in RayMONDO.)  So for now that is what I am calling him.  Mondo get's "wild streaks."  He will run real fast through the house...up and down the stairs, etc.  It actually has kept Wiley active.  He has sort of joined in.  I think it has been good for him.

I am taking Wiley to the vet today to get his teeth cleaned.  He's probably thinking I got a new cat and I'm returning him.  I tried to explain it to him this morning.  - Jimmy

I Will Stay Positive

So far things are going great with the new addition to the family.  Wiley and Magnum are getting along very well.  Right now I am sitting in bed and both of them are here laying with me (about two feet apart).  Moscow has been up in the apartment and has no idea yet that a new cat is in the house.  I want Magnum to get comfortable with his surroundings before Moscow creates trouble.  Moscow LOVES humans.  She loves to sneak into guest rooms and lay between peoples' legs.  However, she does NOT like other animals. 

Winter is here in full force.  Temperatures are only in the teens.  However, next week it looks like we might hit near 40.  I only have 43 days 7 hours and 15 minutes until my cruise.  But, who is counting! 

I worked on the kitchen yesterday.  Painting, putting my new spice rack up, and finishing some trim around the chimney.  It will be nice to have a fresh look.  It was time for some new paint.

I feel good emotionally.  I am happy.  Many life changes over the year.  Ones I never expected.  I'm moving ahead though.  The road looks much better.  I don't know what the next year has in store for me but what I have gone through has made me much stronger.  I will stay positive.  - Jimmy

My Thoughts This Sunday Morning

I awoke pretty early this morning.  Well, it was early in the sense that I didn't have to do breakfast.  However, I am lying here in bed with a new man.  His name is Magnum and I'm not sure how old he is.  I met him through a friend (Teresa) and adopted him through Harbor Humane Society.  Now you should know by now...he has four legs.  He is a beautiful tiger/tabby cat that is so loving.  I am hoping him and Wiley can get along as friends and that maybe Wiley won't be so lonely.  Especially this summer when I will be so busy.

As I mention many times in my blog, I am so thankful to God for blessing and taking care of me this last year.  The numerous friends and family that have been by my side is unbelievable.  Here I was afraid no one would want to come back to the Kirby House (now that the "fun one" was gone).  However, that clearly has not been the case.  I guess I have to admit that I have taken on some of Ray's silliness.  Somewhat.

It's Sunday and my brother and sister-in-law leave today.  It was great to spend time with them and laugh, eat, and veg out together.  Those are my thoughts this Sunday morning.  - Jimmy

I Wish He Was Here

Friday morning.  I took Karlene to the train station....she's headed back home today.  It was nice to see her and have her here.  I ate way too much food this last week...rack of lamb, duck, chicken, burger, etc.  Time to cut back. 

My brother and sister-in-law came in yesterday.   It will be so nice to spend some time with them.  They are going to the Lady Diana exhibit in Grand Rapids. 

On Tuesday and Thursday nights this week we did karaoke here at the house.  Oh my gosh....what fun.  On Tuesday Karlene said she would not do it, then she loved it.  She begged to do karaoke on Wednesday and again on Thursday.  Friedl came last night and we all did karoke again...it really was a blast.

I'm not sure if my blogs are revealing much about my grieving process.  Lately I've felt "stale."  I guess my life is getting back to a bit more normal now and so my emotions are not so extreme.  However, I post these blogs for "me" as well.  I can track my progress through this life experience.

Last night Friedl, Marguerite, Grace (Ray's sister), Karlene and I went to Clearbrook for dinner.  I had a buffalo burger.  Oh my gosh, delicious!  It was after that we came home to do karaoke.

I'm missing Ray today.  Not in a "bad" way, just missing him.  I want him here with me to talk and cuddle, plan our vacation, plan our life.  I wish he was here.  - Jimmy

Bracing For the Storm

A big storm is headed to Michigan.  We've been very lucky compared to most of the rest of the country. 

The last several days have been very uneventful.  Something I am happy to report!  Saturday I spent most of the day cleaning and organizing the kitchen and pantry.  With help from Marguerite and Karlene things are much more organized.  Plus, I was able to purge a lot of "junk" to make room for a more functional kitchen.  I don't feel so attached to "things" that remind me of Ray.  I have the memories in my mind and heart.  This helps me to move on and yet keep my memories of Ray in a more balanced manner.

Sunday night I made a great dinner for a group of friends.  Friedl, Karlene, Philip, Marguerite and I shared a great dinner.  I made the infamous "Rack of Lamb-Ginghas Kahn" - a recipe from The Lark (a restaurant Ray worked at in Detroit).  I also make roasted carrots, fennel gratin potatoes, puree of split pea soup and for dessert - peanut butter chocolate pie.  The conversations were as pleasing as the dinner was.  (At least to me it was.)

I'm bracing for the storm...with a 1 1/2 hour massage scheduled today.  I think I can handle it!  - Jimmy