A Wierd Question...I Know



Ray and my mom, Audrey, boarding our cruise ship in 2008.

Here it is Sunday already.  Haven't bloged in four days.  Partly because Friedl is borrowing my notebook computer and my old laptop won't get any signal on the front porch.  That is where I usually blog these days...on the porch.

This afternoon I will go to the Allegan Antique Flea Market.  It is huge.  Over 400 vendors with everything from junk to fine antiques.  If nothing else it is great people watching.  Marguerite, Friedl, Drew and I will all go. 

Yesterday Drew treated me to lunch at Red Dock.  I haven't been there since 1998!!  It's a bar and restaurant...outdoor Key Westy type restaurant...no indoor seating, all at picnic tables on the giant red dock (thus the name...haha).  When you go there you totally feel like you're in the Caribbean.  I mean it.  I don't know why I haven't been there in so long, I would love to go back in time and tell all my guests to eat lunch there.  The menu is mainly salads and sandwiches, but they're great.  It is only open until Labor Day...shucks!

I've still been feeling good.  The medication must be working well.  I still miss my Ray, but the pain isn't so sharp.  Will I even get over the loss?  I don't think so.  It will just not be so painful in the future. 

I'm afraid to get too close to Drew.  I don't want to get too attached and then if it doesn't work out I'll feel loss again.  So I'm cautious.  I've talked to him about that.  I am not ready to commit to ANYTHING, "we are just dating" I keep telling him.  I hope I'm not keeping him from moving on with his life.  I tell him he should, that he shouldn't let me be a factor in his future, but I'm not sure if he's understanding that. 

The other day I was laying in bed and my cat Wiley was with me.  Wiley LOVED Ray.  I mean he really LOVED Ray...he though Ray was a God.  He would sit and stare at Ray in bed and when I got up to get coffee on Wiley would curl up with Ray and if I came in to ask Ray something Wiley would look at me with a look that said "are you back?!"  Anyway, as I was there with Wiley this last week I wondered if cats grieve.  I mean, they really don't know about death...but Wiley knows Ray is gone.  Is he just sad or does he just think he is gone for a long time?  As humans we understand death and it's permanent loss...I don't think animals understand that.  Most animals.  So...would it be better to not understand death or is it better to grieve?  A wierd question...I know. - Jimmy

He Is In Control - Not me

Ray having lunch at The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island - September 2008

Well, I had my massage this afternoon.  Oh my gosh, I feel so much better.  Now I'm sitting on the front porch posting in my blog.

I've been doing a LOT of sitting on the front porch this year.  It all started last year and has become progressively worse this year.  When I say "worse" I just mean I do it more often.  For years I NEVER sat on the porch in the afternoon.  I had too much to "do."  There was always something I had to get done.  Now, I stop and smell the roses.  I truly appreciate things more, and one of those things I really appreciate is my nice front porch.  I love to read a book out here, nap, relax and watch the cars go by, talk with guests, or write in my blog.  

It's so amazing how a life changing situation truly changes your life.  I'm beginning to think I have a new purpose in life.  I have no idea what it is yet, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I want to keep living.  I would never, ever commit suicide.  However, I have been thinking lately that I really don't care if I died tomorrow...or today for that matter.  Again, no intentions of ending my life, just really not caring if I lived or not.  Now I think I there is something in store for me.  That feeling may change at the drop of a hat too.  My ups and downs you know.

I've really been tempted to make a trip up to Mackinac Island this September.  Ray and I did if for years.  But...I don't think so.  I am not ready for that yet.  It's just that I miss that trip so much...it just wouldn't be the same.  I want to relive things thinking it will bring me good memories, but it doesn't, it just makes me sad that Ray is not with me to share in it.  

Friedl has been back in town for almost a week.  She stayed here three nights since her condo was rented those nights.  She might stay here this weekend too if her place gets rented.  I've missed her so much.  She had us over for dinner on Sunday night.  It was like "old times."  She has been in Vienna for two months.  I'll tell you, when we are together neither of us can shut up.  We talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.  

I've had a great summer (business-wise) now let's just hope it carries on into the fall and winter.  I can't make it if those months "poop out" on me.  I'm trusting God.  He is in control, not me. - Jimmy

Weenis, Roller-Coasters, and Massages



Drew, Marguerite, Dawn and I having a weenie roast at the fire pit.

 Whew...what a weekend.  A total of 21 guests at breakfast Saturday and 24 Sunday.  It was for a 50th birthday party.  The group booked the entire house and had a blast.  I had a great time with them too.

Last week Marguerite, Drew, Dawn (guest/friend), and I roasted hotdogs, brats, and keilbasa on the fire pit.  Such a simple thing, but we had a blast.  We each roasted our own food then ate on the back deck.  This is a "must do again" thing this summer.

I've been much better since I've been on my increased dose of medication.  My emotions are on a roller-coaster ride.  It is just so wierd that I can feel great one day and then so depressed the next.  I just wonder what makes that happen.  So far I've been coasting along straight.  Not going up and not going down.  That is good.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis (and three other spinal things I can't remember).  When I get swelling in my neck area it pinches nerves and I get this terrible pain in my shoulder.  Well, it's back.  I'm sure it's because of all the bed making and shower cleaning.  I get inflamation in the shoulder/neck area and the pain comes along.  So, I am getting a massage on Tuesday and having him concentrate of that area.  Plus I will work on some exercises I learned when going through physical therapy for this condition.  I also look forward to the massage just for the sake of a massage.  However, this way I can justify it as being for "medicinal purposes."

Less than two weeks until Labor Day.  Unbelievable.  The summer has flown by...as it always does.  I'm taking reservations for my third summer without Ray.  That is unbelievable to me too. - Jimmy

Miss You Ray

OK, great night last night.  Three women that Ray knew from high school (he went to Notre Dame, an all male school, and they went to Regina, an all girls' school...right next to each other) stayed here Monday and Tuesday night.  I (of course) have known them for 22 years now.  We went to the cemetery, looked at pictures, cried, shared stories....etc.  It was great.  Last night they treated me and Drew to dinner at Clearbrook. 

I also had a friend of mine stay for the last several days.  He used to live here with his ex-partner.  They have been apart for six years and got together last night for dinner.  A cordial meeting.  They also went to Clearbrook.  It made me feel so good to see themtogether.  It felt like "old times."  It was as if I was thinking..."see, you can bring the past back."  I guess it was just me living a life as if I could get one more chance to sit down to dinner and talk with Ray.  Catch up on what is going on.  It made me feel "comfortable" to see them together like it was a familiarity.  Your mind gets efffd up after the death of your spouse....so I don't know if this makes any sense....  Miss you Ray! - Jimmy

Doctor Visit

I went to my six month doctor visit "check-up."  He told me the results from my blood work were "great."  Everything is perfect...cholesterol, kindey's, liver, etc., etc.  I was so pleased with the results.  I also told him about how depressed I've been feeling also.  He doubled my anti-anxiety medication.  I hope that works.

Today is an absolutely gorgeous summer day.  I don't think there could be a better day...weather wise.  I think I will actually get a chance to get in the pool today. 

I've been reading "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Duggard.  She is the girl that was abducted when she was 11 and was held captive in a backyard prison for 18 years.  An unbelievable story.  How she can function normally in society today is amazing.  I wouldn't recommend anyone read it who is faint of heart.  It is an amazing story of a girl with a strong determination.

I am feeling a little better.  Summer is starting to come to a close soon. - Jimmy

Chocolate Peanutbutter

Here it is, August 9th.  I am so excited about some new things I will be doing here at the Kirby House.  One is an "off-season" event that will be in January and February...for repeat guests ONLY.  It should be fun.  More of that later.

Today was a good day.  Took a walk.  Got some Kilwin's ice-cream...chocolate/peanutbutter.  -Jimmy

Miss You Ray

One last blog for the day.  Ray's funeral was one year and seven months ago today.  Miss you Ray! - Jimmy

Cherish The Moment

You know how Wednesday in called "hump day."  Well, this last week was "summer hump week."  It looks like the weekdays will be easier on me now.  Trust me, I love the full house.  I need it to try and get through winter, but it takes a toll on me.  So...although I still have rooms everyday, there are some days where there are not so many people that I can catch up on things. 

My emotions are kind of numb right now.  No feelings one way or the other really.  Just chugging along day after day.  There is not a moment that I don't think of Ray though.  It's wierd.  I don't understand how I can have two things on my mind at once, but I do.  Don't take people in your life for granted.  Love them and cherish the moment. - Jimmy

I'm Just Sayin'

Friday already.  The last two weeks have been the busiest two weeks I've had in two years.  Other than a room vacant here and there, I have been full every night.  I was so exhausted last night when I went to bed that I woke still exhausted.  This morning, after breakfast was served, I had chills and Drew said I looked pale.  I vowed that other than anything else that I "HAVE" to do today, I'm doing nothing.  Like that's gonna happen.  Laundry is piled high, plants need watering, breakfast items need to be made, cookies baked, check-ins to do, rooms to clean, answer the phone, etc.  But other than that.....

Had wonderful repeat guests this week...Gary, Michelle, Johnny, Julie, David, Tracy, Brent and Cathy.  The group from Detroit.  Well, we all just had way too many laughs.  The last I knew Michelle's cheeks still hurt from laughing.  Too much fun....I'm just sayin'.

It was four years ago today that we went to my brother's funeral in Detroit.  It makes me feel so bad, because little did I know how soon after Ray would die.  Less than 2 1/2 years later.  I can remember the day of the funeral like it was yesterday. 

It's mid-summer and it is HOT!  I was doing some work on the pool motor two days ago and I think I got close to heat stroke.  Boy, it hits you fast. 

I'm feeling good emotionally.  Looking forward to my first "day off" since May in about six weeks. - Jimmy

Quite Mundane

I have no other excuse than "I am busy."  So, here it is today...Monday, August 1st.  I ended my July having had the best July (occupancy wise) since 2004.  Much, much better than last year.  Out of 248 possible rooms to sell in July I sold 195.  Last year I did 127.  Needless to say, that is a lot of food, towels, room cleaning, etc.

The other night I had a dream about Ray.  I was in some type of park setting.  I saw Ray and walked up to him.  I was gonna say "I haven't seen you since you were in your casket" but I thought that would sound tacky.  So I said..."I haven't seen you since your funeral."  Then, I hugged him.  I still can't believe how much I miss him.  Actually, I guess I can believe how much I miss him. 

Yesterday I went to the Allegan Antique Flea Market with Drew.  He found this fabulous piece of furniture.  It's a hutch/cabinet circa 1890.  Perfect for the house.  Quarter-sawn oak, very detailed woodwork.  It was only $95.  I kept saying "I have no place for it."  Then the guy said "I'll go $75."  Well, I figured I'll find someplace for it.  You can't get anything like that at Big Lots for $75!!  So, I bought it and found a place for it in the dining room.

I sit here and type in my blog with not much to comment on about my "feelings."  I guess every day I get a little more normal.  I had so many strong emotions and feelings in the beginning of this journey, now my days are quite mundane.  - Jimmy