A Wierd Question...I Know



Ray and my mom, Audrey, boarding our cruise ship in 2008.

Here it is Sunday already.  Haven't bloged in four days.  Partly because Friedl is borrowing my notebook computer and my old laptop won't get any signal on the front porch.  That is where I usually blog these days...on the porch.

This afternoon I will go to the Allegan Antique Flea Market.  It is huge.  Over 400 vendors with everything from junk to fine antiques.  If nothing else it is great people watching.  Marguerite, Friedl, Drew and I will all go. 

Yesterday Drew treated me to lunch at Red Dock.  I haven't been there since 1998!!  It's a bar and restaurant...outdoor Key Westy type restaurant...no indoor seating, all at picnic tables on the giant red dock (thus the name...haha).  When you go there you totally feel like you're in the Caribbean.  I mean it.  I don't know why I haven't been there in so long, I would love to go back in time and tell all my guests to eat lunch there.  The menu is mainly salads and sandwiches, but they're great.  It is only open until Labor Day...shucks!

I've still been feeling good.  The medication must be working well.  I still miss my Ray, but the pain isn't so sharp.  Will I even get over the loss?  I don't think so.  It will just not be so painful in the future. 

I'm afraid to get too close to Drew.  I don't want to get too attached and then if it doesn't work out I'll feel loss again.  So I'm cautious.  I've talked to him about that.  I am not ready to commit to ANYTHING, "we are just dating" I keep telling him.  I hope I'm not keeping him from moving on with his life.  I tell him he should, that he shouldn't let me be a factor in his future, but I'm not sure if he's understanding that. 

The other day I was laying in bed and my cat Wiley was with me.  Wiley LOVED Ray.  I mean he really LOVED Ray...he though Ray was a God.  He would sit and stare at Ray in bed and when I got up to get coffee on Wiley would curl up with Ray and if I came in to ask Ray something Wiley would look at me with a look that said "are you back?!"  Anyway, as I was there with Wiley this last week I wondered if cats grieve.  I mean, they really don't know about death...but Wiley knows Ray is gone.  Is he just sad or does he just think he is gone for a long time?  As humans we understand death and it's permanent loss...I don't think animals understand that.  Most animals.  So...would it be better to not understand death or is it better to grieve?  A wierd question...I know. - Jimmy