I'm subbing for sixth grade in Saugatuck again today. It's really nice. I'm tired from the weekend though so I'll probably want to just lay down and close my eyes when I get home.
I haven't had internet at the house for a week now. Frontier Communications (formerly Verizon) had problems with their server in Muskegon. Apparently it was back up yesterday but my modem wasn't connecting to the internet. After an hour and a half the technician I was talking to said he would have to open a "ticket" for it. So who knows how long that will take?
I'm on a break right now and the kids should be coming back in about 20 minutes. The silence is golden!
I'm feeling good emotionally today. I'm on the right track! - Jimmy
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Come To Terms
I spent a couple days in Chicago this week. I took Tom back with me and he took the downtown Chicago train back to his home in Joliet. Drew and I spent the rest of the day and a half at his place and exploring a bit of town. We had lunch at the Walnut Room at Macy's on State Street. That was real nice.
I woke up on Wednesday morning and put eye drops in my eye. As I wiped the excess drops off my checks I thought to myself, if Drew saw me he would think I had been crying. This led to thoughts about where I am emotionally right now in my dealing with the loss and grief of Ray. I thought deep about it and realized I believe I have "come to terms" with everything. He is gone and will never come back...and I've accepted that. I am truly ready to move on with my life.
I don't feel like there is a weight tied to my legs. It used to feel like that. I "moved on" and did things but there was this weight that was making me struggle to move ahead very easily. Something just kept nagging me. I think that is now gone. At least for now. I anticipate days in which I will struggle, be sad and even cry. But now I know that it will be short lived and I will be back to myself. I truly feel like weights have been lifted from me. I no longer feel that people are judging me if I laugh or have a good time. I no longer feel "guilty" because I am dating. I feel like "Jim." I now feel like "me." It's very hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.
I'm subbing today in Saugatuck for sixth grade. (I'm on break by the way.) This has been really good for me and my new life. This is my eighth time (or so) this year for this class. They are getting to know me and it makes my day teaching MUCH easier. I know the kids, the class, the schedule, and the staff. And, they know me. It's nice.
My favorite holiday is approaching fast. Halloween! I have always loved Halloween. The spooky decorations, the candy, the costumes. It's a time when you can dress up to any fantasy you want and no one judges you. I think it's all about the creativity...well and the candy too! Saturday night is the Douglas Adult Halloween Parade at 10:00 pm in downtown Douglas. It is a BLAST! Literally THOUSANDS of people. - Jimmy
I woke up on Wednesday morning and put eye drops in my eye. As I wiped the excess drops off my checks I thought to myself, if Drew saw me he would think I had been crying. This led to thoughts about where I am emotionally right now in my dealing with the loss and grief of Ray. I thought deep about it and realized I believe I have "come to terms" with everything. He is gone and will never come back...and I've accepted that. I am truly ready to move on with my life.
I don't feel like there is a weight tied to my legs. It used to feel like that. I "moved on" and did things but there was this weight that was making me struggle to move ahead very easily. Something just kept nagging me. I think that is now gone. At least for now. I anticipate days in which I will struggle, be sad and even cry. But now I know that it will be short lived and I will be back to myself. I truly feel like weights have been lifted from me. I no longer feel that people are judging me if I laugh or have a good time. I no longer feel "guilty" because I am dating. I feel like "Jim." I now feel like "me." It's very hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.
I'm subbing today in Saugatuck for sixth grade. (I'm on break by the way.) This has been really good for me and my new life. This is my eighth time (or so) this year for this class. They are getting to know me and it makes my day teaching MUCH easier. I know the kids, the class, the schedule, and the staff. And, they know me. It's nice.
My favorite holiday is approaching fast. Halloween! I have always loved Halloween. The spooky decorations, the candy, the costumes. It's a time when you can dress up to any fantasy you want and no one judges you. I think it's all about the creativity...well and the candy too! Saturday night is the Douglas Adult Halloween Parade at 10:00 pm in downtown Douglas. It is a BLAST! Literally THOUSANDS of people. - Jimmy
Monday, October 24, 2011
These Are My Thoughts Today
My journey. The other day I was reading my blog from January and February of 2010. I know I've said this over and over and over...but I never thought I would ever have come this far. Again, my biggest suggestion to someone who is grieving...write a journal. Even if it is just for yourself, or a blog you want to share. The importance of this comes when you are able to go and look back. You can see the progress you've made. That is, if you let the progress happen. If you fight the progress you sure won't heal.
One of the things my grief counselor told me was that one day I would look at pictures of Ray or think of memories of him and smile, not cry. I, of course, thought she was absolutely nuts, although I never told her that. Yesterday I was thinking about a story about Ray and it made me smile real big. It's a silly story but it reminded my how much Ray didn't really "get out." We went to Macy's (the old Hudson's) in December of 2008. We split up at the mall to go Christmas shopping for each other. When we finished and met up he said "did you know Hudson's/Macy's doesn't have a toy department any more?" I laughed so hard. I told his they haven't had a toy department in years. He was thinking of the old Eastland Hudson's and how it had a toy department in the basement. I knew Ray so well I figured out what he wanted to buy me for Christmas...a train set. I was right. There are too many stories over our 20 years together that I was able to figure it out. I won't bore you and share them all here. Anyway, I thought of this story yesterday morning and just smiled real big.
Tom went with me last night to pick up Friedl and her sister Uli. They got in at 9:30 p.m. We met them at the end of the gate/security area and helped with their bags. I had left a bottle of wine chilling in her fridge so they could have a of glass or two when they got in the house. Plus, I had a little dinner ready to go. I was soooo tired from the busy weekend but we ate and I finally got home and went to bed about 1:30 a.m.! I slept like a rock.
Today is a gorgous, sunny day. Temps in the low 60's. I will try to get some outdoor stuff done today. Tom will help me with that. Then I have guests checking in this afternoon. Tomorrow I will take Tom back to Chicago and spend a couple days there with Drew. He's coming back with me Thursday because he wants to be here for the big Halloween parade in Douglas this weekend. It's at 10:00 p.m. on Saturday and it is the adult celebration. So, neeedless to say, the costumes are amazing. I can never think of anything to wear on Halloween, then I see all these creative costumes and wonder why I didn't think of that.
I talked on the phone last night with Ray's sister Susie. She was really missing her brother and wanted someone to talk to. I know what that's like. Sometimes you just need to talk...that's all. She seemed to feel better after we chatted.
These are my thoughts today. - Jimmy
One of the things my grief counselor told me was that one day I would look at pictures of Ray or think of memories of him and smile, not cry. I, of course, thought she was absolutely nuts, although I never told her that. Yesterday I was thinking about a story about Ray and it made me smile real big. It's a silly story but it reminded my how much Ray didn't really "get out." We went to Macy's (the old Hudson's) in December of 2008. We split up at the mall to go Christmas shopping for each other. When we finished and met up he said "did you know Hudson's/Macy's doesn't have a toy department any more?" I laughed so hard. I told his they haven't had a toy department in years. He was thinking of the old Eastland Hudson's and how it had a toy department in the basement. I knew Ray so well I figured out what he wanted to buy me for Christmas...a train set. I was right. There are too many stories over our 20 years together that I was able to figure it out. I won't bore you and share them all here. Anyway, I thought of this story yesterday morning and just smiled real big.
Tom went with me last night to pick up Friedl and her sister Uli. They got in at 9:30 p.m. We met them at the end of the gate/security area and helped with their bags. I had left a bottle of wine chilling in her fridge so they could have a of glass or two when they got in the house. Plus, I had a little dinner ready to go. I was soooo tired from the busy weekend but we ate and I finally got home and went to bed about 1:30 a.m.! I slept like a rock.
Today is a gorgous, sunny day. Temps in the low 60's. I will try to get some outdoor stuff done today. Tom will help me with that. Then I have guests checking in this afternoon. Tomorrow I will take Tom back to Chicago and spend a couple days there with Drew. He's coming back with me Thursday because he wants to be here for the big Halloween parade in Douglas this weekend. It's at 10:00 p.m. on Saturday and it is the adult celebration. So, neeedless to say, the costumes are amazing. I can never think of anything to wear on Halloween, then I see all these creative costumes and wonder why I didn't think of that.
I talked on the phone last night with Ray's sister Susie. She was really missing her brother and wanted someone to talk to. I know what that's like. Sometimes you just need to talk...that's all. She seemed to feel better after we chatted.
These are my thoughts today. - Jimmy
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Video
I've been working on this video montage. Check it out.
The Kirby House Video Montage
Had a busy and fun weekend. Repeat and new guests. One man proposed to his girlfriend at breakfast Saturday morning.
I am picking Friedl and her sister up from the airport tonight. It will be good to see her.
Not much new.
Jimmy
The Kirby House Video Montage
Had a busy and fun weekend. Repeat and new guests. One man proposed to his girlfriend at breakfast Saturday morning.
I am picking Friedl and her sister up from the airport tonight. It will be good to see her.
Not much new.
Jimmy
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Not Quite Sure Where I Am Going
Busy week for me. I subbed for sixth grade all day Monday in Saugatuck. Yesterday Drew left for Chicago. He's gone back home to take care of some things and will be back in a couple weeks for a week or so. His "internship" for summer hospitality work is over. Ha ha.
After Drew left I took Friedl and her sister, Uli, to Grand Rapids airport. They are doing a New England color tour in Vermont, Main, etc. Then I went to the Holland train station and picked up my friend Tom and his mom. Tom is watching Friedl's house and dog while she is gone. So I had a busy day transporting people.
Today and tomorrow I am subbing for Algebra/Technology (computer lab) in Saugatuck. It's so nice to work so close to home.
Last night I slept in the house all by myself. I slept in room three. I woke up this morning not knowing where I was. However, I slept like a baby. Mondo spent most of the night with me. I sooo did not want to get up this morning.
I showed Tom's mom the book I made from the cruise Ray and I took my mom on. When I saw the pictures of Ray it just seemed so hard to believe that he is not here anymore. I mean he looked so "alive" in the pictures. One of those moments of reality hitting me again. I'm doing ok though. However I feel like my life is in limbo right now though. Not quite sure where I am going. - Jimmy
After Drew left I took Friedl and her sister, Uli, to Grand Rapids airport. They are doing a New England color tour in Vermont, Main, etc. Then I went to the Holland train station and picked up my friend Tom and his mom. Tom is watching Friedl's house and dog while she is gone. So I had a busy day transporting people.
Today and tomorrow I am subbing for Algebra/Technology (computer lab) in Saugatuck. It's so nice to work so close to home.
Last night I slept in the house all by myself. I slept in room three. I woke up this morning not knowing where I was. However, I slept like a baby. Mondo spent most of the night with me. I sooo did not want to get up this morning.
I showed Tom's mom the book I made from the cruise Ray and I took my mom on. When I saw the pictures of Ray it just seemed so hard to believe that he is not here anymore. I mean he looked so "alive" in the pictures. One of those moments of reality hitting me again. I'm doing ok though. However I feel like my life is in limbo right now though. Not quite sure where I am going. - Jimmy
Sunday, October 9, 2011
But My Tomorrows Look Brighter
I faced my fears...sort of.
I've heard stories of people who have experienced very unpleasant situations. To help them get over it they have gone back to the place where the experience happened...just to prove it doesn't control their lives. A bear attack in the woods, a hiking accident gone bad...etc. I never quite understood it. I think I do now.
After Labor Day Ray and I would take a post-summer trip. Just for a few days. Our favorite was a trip up north to Mackinac Island. Eventually our tradition was to leave on Sunday and stay in Traverse City for one night. Then, Monday we would head to Mackinaw City. We would stop in Petoskey for a break to shop and eat. Then head on. This year I wanted to make my traditional trip. Last year I went to Key West with Marguerite. However, I missed making the annual trip up north. So, after several ideas of places to go I decided I wanted to go back up north. I wasn't ready for Mackinac Island yet though. It would be way too tough for me. I love Traverse City, and since Ray and I would only spend one night there I figured I could handle that. So, Drew and I packed up and left for Traverse City last Monday, October 3rd.
It was somewhat bittersweet for me. The first day and a half I had this terrible anxiety. I saw and experienced things Ray and I would experience on our personal time. After that day and a half I relaxed. I knew I could handle this and enjoy. I realized the fear and anxiety of going places I did with Ray don't control me. Without even knowing it I had to face that fear to prove to myself that I can still live a life without feeling the pain of the past. My grief counselor used to tell me that. She would say that one day I will look at pictures and smile...not cry, I will do things I used to do with Ray and laugh. I thought she was nuts. She told me that if someone grieves correctly (allows the process to happen and does not ignore it or put it off) it takes two years to come to terms and feel "normal" again. Amazingly I am approaching that two year mark. It seems crazy that in three months it will have been two years since Ray died. It will always feel like yesterday to me. But my tomorrows look brighter. - Jimmy
I've heard stories of people who have experienced very unpleasant situations. To help them get over it they have gone back to the place where the experience happened...just to prove it doesn't control their lives. A bear attack in the woods, a hiking accident gone bad...etc. I never quite understood it. I think I do now.
After Labor Day Ray and I would take a post-summer trip. Just for a few days. Our favorite was a trip up north to Mackinac Island. Eventually our tradition was to leave on Sunday and stay in Traverse City for one night. Then, Monday we would head to Mackinaw City. We would stop in Petoskey for a break to shop and eat. Then head on. This year I wanted to make my traditional trip. Last year I went to Key West with Marguerite. However, I missed making the annual trip up north. So, after several ideas of places to go I decided I wanted to go back up north. I wasn't ready for Mackinac Island yet though. It would be way too tough for me. I love Traverse City, and since Ray and I would only spend one night there I figured I could handle that. So, Drew and I packed up and left for Traverse City last Monday, October 3rd.
It was somewhat bittersweet for me. The first day and a half I had this terrible anxiety. I saw and experienced things Ray and I would experience on our personal time. After that day and a half I relaxed. I knew I could handle this and enjoy. I realized the fear and anxiety of going places I did with Ray don't control me. Without even knowing it I had to face that fear to prove to myself that I can still live a life without feeling the pain of the past. My grief counselor used to tell me that. She would say that one day I will look at pictures and smile...not cry, I will do things I used to do with Ray and laugh. I thought she was nuts. She told me that if someone grieves correctly (allows the process to happen and does not ignore it or put it off) it takes two years to come to terms and feel "normal" again. Amazingly I am approaching that two year mark. It seems crazy that in three months it will have been two years since Ray died. It will always feel like yesterday to me. But my tomorrows look brighter. - Jimmy
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Dreams Are Amazing
WOW! What an amazing couple days. We had the strongest winds in quite a while. Power went out for a while, trees down, a car on Lakeshore Drive was crushed by a tree, downed lines and a mess of a front porch, deck and yard for me. Things are a bit back to normal now. It is very, very cold here....between 46 and 51 degrees...however the sun is out. Next week is going to be in the mid 70's and close to 80 by Friday!
Today is the Oktoberfest in Douglas. We went to the parade at noon. Activities are going on all day. Friedl, Marguerite, Drew and I are going tonight about 6:00 for the celebration. I will wear my Austrian shirt, hat and jacket! The jacket will be perfect for the chilly night it is going to be.
I had the most amazing dream the other night. It was so real it was unbelievable. Vivid too! I could tell it like it was something that actually happened. I will try to relay it below.
I was leaving the Kirby House to drop off two envelopes at the mailbox. As I left there were two guests coming in the back door to check-in. I think Marguerite was here to check-in the guests or something because as they came in I saw them but still left out the front door. It was dark out and there was snow on the ground, so it must have been a winter's evening...maybe 7:30 p.m. or so. As I approached my car there were other cars coming in the lot. Apparently I must have had some event going on. A woman from one of the cars that pulled in got out of her car and entered the passenger side of my truck. It is someone I know. I just figured she wanted to chat with me or tell me something and so she decided to come along with me. As I pulled out of the lot I noticed rain drops on my windshield and assumed it must have rained. I stopped just before exiting the lot to check for oncoming traffic. As I looked around I saw a big cluster of clouds in the sky with a beautiful rainbow protruding out from it. I said to my passenger, "Look at that awesome rainbow." As I looked at it, it became much more brilliant. And then shot to the side and enveloped this planet, the moon or something I assumed. Then the colors became just amazingly brilliant. Like nothing I've seen before. Then, this "planet" looked like fireworks were shooting out from it. I began to feel like that was heaven or something and thought of the "rapture." It felt as if my body was lifting...or my soul was lifting. I was trying to keep my foot on the brake pedal so the truck wouldn't take off...then "bam" I woke up.
Two night's later I had a dream I was driving with my brother David. I haven't dreamt of David in years. In the sky I saw the cluster of clouds and the same rainbow appeared...I said to David "watch, look what's gonna happen." Then I woke up.
Dreams are amazing. - Jimmy
Today is the Oktoberfest in Douglas. We went to the parade at noon. Activities are going on all day. Friedl, Marguerite, Drew and I are going tonight about 6:00 for the celebration. I will wear my Austrian shirt, hat and jacket! The jacket will be perfect for the chilly night it is going to be.
I had the most amazing dream the other night. It was so real it was unbelievable. Vivid too! I could tell it like it was something that actually happened. I will try to relay it below.
I was leaving the Kirby House to drop off two envelopes at the mailbox. As I left there were two guests coming in the back door to check-in. I think Marguerite was here to check-in the guests or something because as they came in I saw them but still left out the front door. It was dark out and there was snow on the ground, so it must have been a winter's evening...maybe 7:30 p.m. or so. As I approached my car there were other cars coming in the lot. Apparently I must have had some event going on. A woman from one of the cars that pulled in got out of her car and entered the passenger side of my truck. It is someone I know. I just figured she wanted to chat with me or tell me something and so she decided to come along with me. As I pulled out of the lot I noticed rain drops on my windshield and assumed it must have rained. I stopped just before exiting the lot to check for oncoming traffic. As I looked around I saw a big cluster of clouds in the sky with a beautiful rainbow protruding out from it. I said to my passenger, "Look at that awesome rainbow." As I looked at it, it became much more brilliant. And then shot to the side and enveloped this planet, the moon or something I assumed. Then the colors became just amazingly brilliant. Like nothing I've seen before. Then, this "planet" looked like fireworks were shooting out from it. I began to feel like that was heaven or something and thought of the "rapture." It felt as if my body was lifting...or my soul was lifting. I was trying to keep my foot on the brake pedal so the truck wouldn't take off...then "bam" I woke up.
Two night's later I had a dream I was driving with my brother David. I haven't dreamt of David in years. In the sky I saw the cluster of clouds and the same rainbow appeared...I said to David "watch, look what's gonna happen." Then I woke up.
Dreams are amazing. - Jimmy
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