But My Tomorrows Look Brighter

I faced my fears...sort of. 

I've heard stories of people who have experienced very unpleasant situations.  To help them get over it they have gone back to the place where the experience happened...just to prove it doesn't control their lives.  A bear attack in the woods, a hiking accident gone bad...etc.  I never quite understood it.  I think I do now.

After Labor Day Ray and I would take a post-summer trip.  Just for a few days.  Our favorite was a trip up north to Mackinac Island.  Eventually our tradition was to leave on Sunday and stay in Traverse City for one night.  Then, Monday we would head to Mackinaw City.  We would stop in Petoskey for a break to shop and eat.  Then head on.  This year I wanted to make my traditional trip.  Last year I went to Key West with Marguerite.  However, I missed making the annual trip up north.  So, after several ideas of places to go I decided I wanted to go back up north.  I wasn't ready for Mackinac Island yet though.  It would be way too tough for me.  I love Traverse City, and since Ray and I would only spend one night there I figured I could handle that.  So, Drew and I packed up and left for Traverse City last Monday, October 3rd. 

It was somewhat bittersweet for me.  The first day and a half I had this terrible anxiety.  I saw and experienced things Ray and I would experience on our personal time.  After that day and a half I relaxed.  I knew I could handle this and enjoy.  I realized the fear and anxiety of going places I did with Ray don't control me.  Without even knowing it I had to face that fear to prove to myself that I can still live a life without feeling the pain of the past.  My grief counselor used to tell me that.  She would say that one day I will look at pictures and smile...not cry, I will do things I used to do with Ray and laugh.  I thought she was nuts.  She told me that if someone grieves correctly (allows the process to happen and does not ignore it or put it off) it takes two years to come to terms and feel "normal" again.  Amazingly I am approaching that two year mark.  It seems crazy that in three months it will have been two years since Ray died.  It will always feel like yesterday to me.  But my tomorrows look brighter. - Jimmy