Come To Terms

I spent a couple days in Chicago this week.  I took Tom back with me and he took the downtown Chicago train back to his home in Joliet.  Drew and I spent the rest of the day and a half at his place and exploring a bit of town.  We had lunch at the Walnut Room at Macy's on State Street.  That was real nice.

I woke up on Wednesday morning and put eye drops in my eye.  As I wiped the excess drops off my checks I thought to myself, if Drew saw me he would think I had been crying.  This led to thoughts about where I am emotionally right now in my dealing with the loss and grief of Ray.  I thought deep about it and realized I believe I have "come to terms" with everything.  He is gone and will never come back...and I've accepted that.  I am truly ready to move on with my life.

I don't feel like there is a weight tied to my legs.  It used to feel like that.  I "moved on" and did things but there was this weight that was making me struggle to move ahead very easily.  Something just kept nagging me.  I think that is now gone.  At least for now.  I anticipate days in which I will struggle, be sad and even cry.  But now I know that it will be short lived and I will be back to myself.  I truly feel like weights have been lifted from me.  I no longer feel that people are judging me if I laugh or have a good time.  I no longer feel "guilty" because I am dating.  I feel like "Jim."  I now feel like "me."  It's very hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.

I'm subbing today in Saugatuck for sixth grade.  (I'm on break by the way.)  This has been really good for me and my new life.  This is my eighth time (or so) this year for this class.  They are getting to know me and it makes my day teaching MUCH easier.  I know the kids, the class, the schedule, and the staff.   And, they know me.  It's nice.

My favorite holiday is approaching fast.  Halloween!  I have always loved Halloween.  The spooky decorations, the candy, the costumes.  It's a time when you can dress up to any fantasy you want and no one judges you.  I think it's all about the creativity...well and the candy too!  Saturday night is the Douglas Adult Halloween Parade at 10:00 pm in downtown Douglas.  It is a BLAST!  Literally THOUSANDS of people.  - Jimmy