My Reflections Today

Yesterday I decided to read my blog from December and January of two years ago.  As I read the entries posted within the week after Ray died I sat here and wondered how I was able to put those thoughts down into words.  I mentioned how "numb" I felt in those posts, and I truly believe I must have been.  To share my thoughts so cohesively while in such grief is even uncomprehendable to me now.

I am in a better place.  I am at peace with my life.  I feel whole again.  I never thought I would.  At times I felt guilty if I felt good.  I felt as if I shouldn't feel good.  Part of it was the expectation that as a "widower" I "SHOULD" feel bad, sad, depressed.  Also, part of it was the guilt of feeling as if I was "moving on" and not honoring Ray.  I now know that isn't true.  It's been almost two years now...unbelievable!  My grief counselor told me that if I grieve correctly (allowed myselt to grieve, have emotions, cry, talk, etc) then it would take two years before I really got through it.  She was right.  I, of course, will never be over it, but I'm good.

The other day I was watching a video from my mom's birthday in 1995.  It was less than two weeks after my father died.  I remember trying to make her feel good...feel normal.  You could tell she wasn't.  As I watched the video I could totally relate to how she was doing.  I could tell she was trying to put on a front, but she really wasn't "there."

These are my reflections today.

Little Pieces of Paper

It's Saturday night, but it feel's like Sunday night.  I've had guests every night this last week, with five rooms on Thursday night.  So, Thursday felt like a Friday, Friday felt like a Saturday and since all rooms left today...it felt like Sunday today.

I had a dream about Ray last night.  We had an argument and he said he was leaving.  He left and I hadn't heard from him in a couple days.  I was getting worried and was really missing him.  I called the restaurant he used to work at and asked to speak with him, they said he wasn't there but I could leave a message.  I was then walking down a street and saw him looking at a couple pieces of wicker furntiure.  He saw me, pointed to one and said "this would look nice on the porch."  I said "but you're not staying are you?"  He asked "what do you mean?"  I said, "you left me you're not coming back are you?"  He said "yes I am" and came over and hugged me.  I was soooooooo happy.  He looked so good and it made me feel so good.  Then I thought "What about Drew?  What will I tell Ray?  What will I tell Drew?"  Then I realized Ray was dead.  Reality set into my dream.  I knew Ray couldn't come back, dead is dead.  Oddly enought I felt a sense of relief.  Relief that I didn't have a big old mess to sort out.  The dream ended.  It was so nice to see and hug Ray last night.

Yesterday Friedl, Drew and I went to get a tree for the parlor.  It's all set up now but needs the lights and ornaments.  This morning I was in the basement getting the boxes out.  I found a bag of some used bows and "to/from" tags.  They were the tags from the gifts the last year Ray and I spent Christmas together, 2009.  When we first met I always put odd names on the to/from tags.  Instead of just..."To Ray, From Jim."  I would put something like "To:  The Chef - From:  The Banker" or "To:  The Gardener - From:  The Photographer."  Thus refrencing other duties or hobbies of ours.  Ray, of course, eventually caught on and did the same.  I want to share the names on the tags from our last Christmas together:

GIFTS FROM ME TO RAY:
To: The Survivor
From:  Your "Blogger"

To: Ray or Raymond or Rick
From:  Jimmy
(This was in reference to a joke from one the nurses he had)

To:  The Music Man
From:  The Web Master

To:  Mondo Verone
From:  James P

To:  Ho, Ho, Ho, Raymone
Form:  The World's Best Substitute Teacher (...or that's what the kids say)

To:  My Bionic Man
From:  Jim-Bo
(In reference to his defibulator)

To:  The C.S.I. Detective
From:  Judge Judy's Biggest Fan
(Our favorite Shows, CSI:  Miami -Ray's favorite, and Judge Judy - my favorite)

To:  Mondo Verone
From:  Wiley, Amity, Gabby and Moscow

To:  My Dreamer/Believer
From:  Jimmy

FROM RAY TO ME
To:  Mr. Blog
From:  Mr. Flowers
(Referencing the blog I started and the fact that he was getting so many get-well flowers)

To:  Nurse Gowran
From:  Patient Raymond

I will cherish these little pieces of paper forever.

Thanksgiving Dinner

What a month of "issues."  In late October/early November my phone company (Frontier) had problems with DSL with ALL of southwest Michigan.  I finally got internet back on after eight days.  Last Thursday the water department came and had to shut my water off due to a main break from all the work being done at the Shell station next door (they're getting all new tanks).  Then Friday night, while checking guests in, we all heard a loud boom and what sounded like a car revving and revving.  This is what we found:

A truck hit the phone pole and telephone box by my front sign.  It split the pole in two and landed on top of the stump.  He was trying to back up off the pole.  That took out my phone & DSL service.    I finally got phone service restored this afternoon. 

The last couple of days I have felt sick.  I am assuming it is the 48 hour flu.  I couldn't eat anything yesterday and by the evening I was feeling like eating soup.  I went into the basement and found some turkey noodle soup made by Ray on December 2, 2009 from leftover turkey from Thanksgiving of 2009.  It really tasted very good.  It was nice to eat a dinner made by Ray's own hands...two years later!

Thanksgiving is already just four days away.  It is hard to believe.  My second year without Ray.  Drew is coming in tomorrow from Chicago.  I look forward to seeing him again.  He and Friedl will be here and the three of us will celebrate Thanksgiving together.  - Jimmy



Happy With My Life

I've had a really good week.  I've had lots of time alone, giving me a chance to think and reflect on things.  I'm at peace with where I am in my life right now. 

Two years ago tonight Ray did his "bowel prep" for his colonoscopy.  I decided to support him by not eating also.  I didn't want to make a dinner for me and have him smell it and suffer.  When we went to the doctor's the next day we were going to both go to Panera Bread to have something to eat after the colonoscopy.  After we got the news of his cancer we didn't go out to eat.  Neither of us were hungry.

I'm sitting here watching Judge Judy while waiting for my guests to check-in.  I'm in my "comfort zone."  Friedl is coming to dinner tonight.  I'm happy with my life.  - Jimmy

God Is Good

I am back home.  I had a great time in Chicago with Drew.  We went to Shedd Aquarium on Friday.  There was a good 45 minute wait outside, but the aquarium was great.  We also went to a couple restaurants featured on "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives" from the Food Network Channel. 

I had a crazy dream the other night.  I had a dream that I was crying very, very hard about Ray's death.  As I analyze this I think about how content I am right now about everything yet in my dream I had all this emotion.  I wonder if my medication works so well at keeping my emotions in check in reality, that I can only release them in my dreams.  Just a thought.  I don't have this dream often, maybe only twice actually, but it just seems odd that I cried in my dream.

It's a terribly windy day out today.  It looks like rain too.  So, I doubt I will get any leaves raked.  OH WELL!  I've got inside chores that need to be done and a room checking in as well. 

I do feel as if I am ready to move on with my life.  Move on feeling content and at peace with where I am at.  It's just so crazy.  As I've said for so long, back a year and a half ago I would have NEVER, EVER thought I would get to this place.  God is good.  - Jimmy

Two Years Ago Tonight

Today begins my "Two Years Ago Today" personal journey.  Two years ago today Ray went for his regular semi-annual physical.  It was at this physical his doctor ordered the routine colonoscopy.  I was on the front second story roof putting up the garland and lights when he left.  I can totally remember seeing him get in the car and leaving.  He came home so happy that his physcial turned out so good and happy to be getting the colonoscopy.  Happy in the sense that he felt as if he was taking care of himself. 

I, of course, was not thrilled with his doctor.  That night he asked me about where to go for his blood work.  I asked him "didn't your doctor schedule that before your visit so he could give you the results there?"  He said "no, he prescribed the blood work when I went for my physical and then will call me with the results.  I said I never heard of that....I always got my blood work ahead of time and got my results when I went for my physical."  That is how I've known everyone else to get it done.  I told him his doctor was wierd anyway, since it took him over a year to refer Ray to a cardiologist after being diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  Ray did NOT like my response to him.  He was very upset and said he like his doctor and totally trusted him.  I felt bad, but I just truly didn't think his doctor took his heart thing serious enough in the beginning.  That is just my opinion.  That was our night two years ago tonight.  - Jimmy

Chow For Now

My DSL didn't get back up and running until Wednesday of last week.  I was out for a week!  What a mess.  Frontier Communications bought our Verizon Phone Company Service here a couple years ago.  The entire southwest Michigan area had no DSL (for Frontier customers).  It was all the talk at the Post Office.  I had called several times when it first went out and then they officially opened a "ticket" for it on Sunday.  They called me today (over a week later) and said "This is Frontier...I have a ticket open here that indicates you have no high speed DSL."  I was like....that's from over a week ago and I got my internet back last Wednesday.  They are a MESS!

I started my real estate classes.  It's gonna take a lot of work, but I'll do it. 

Tomorrow I sub for sixth grade again in Saugatuck.  I love it, same kids, class, routine, etc.  The regular teacher has meetings "in-house" all day. 

I'm stilll doing good.  I'm gonna take Drew back to Chicago on Wednesday and spend four days there.  Then I'll come back alone for a week or so and he'll come back for Thanksgiving.  I can't believe it will soon be Thanksgiving!  Chow for now. - Jimmy