Yesterday I decided to read my blog from December and January of two years ago. As I read the entries posted within the week after Ray died I sat here and wondered how I was able to put those thoughts down into words. I mentioned how "numb" I felt in those posts, and I truly believe I must have been. To share my thoughts so cohesively while in such grief is even uncomprehendable to me now.
I am in a better place. I am at peace with my life. I feel whole again. I never thought I would. At times I felt guilty if I felt good. I felt as if I shouldn't feel good. Part of it was the expectation that as a "widower" I "SHOULD" feel bad, sad, depressed. Also, part of it was the guilt of feeling as if I was "moving on" and not honoring Ray. I now know that isn't true. It's been almost two years now...unbelievable! My grief counselor told me that if I grieve correctly (allowed myselt to grieve, have emotions, cry, talk, etc) then it would take two years before I really got through it. She was right. I, of course, will never be over it, but I'm good.
The other day I was watching a video from my mom's birthday in 1995. It was less than two weeks after my father died. I remember trying to make her feel good...feel normal. You could tell she wasn't. As I watched the video I could totally relate to how she was doing. I could tell she was trying to put on a front, but she really wasn't "there."
These are my reflections today.
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