Great For January

Monday, I paid this month's loan payment, so I still have a home for another month.  (I say that every month I pay the bill.)  I had a great article in "AAA Living Magazine" about my cooking classes, and it has been GREAT for business! 

I have all the Christmas decorations down.  Inside and out.  It is soooo nice to have everything back to "normal."  A fresh start to a fresh new year.  It's nice to get all the decorations down and get a deep cleaning in.  Marguerite has been working one day a week deep cleaning one guest room.  She is cleaning each room from top to bottom.  It's nice, because I can work on marketing, website, bills, taxes, etc. 

I've done a bit more decorating for Valentine's Day than usual.  There never were that many decorations for that holiday, but there are more now.  So, I've got the place very tastefully decorated.  It's amazing what you can put together when you go to Big Lots, TJ Maxx, and/or Meijer.  Oh, and Hobby Lobby too!

It is nice and warm outside.  It's in the lower 40's (F) right now.  That is great for January!  - Jimmy

A New Life

I'm doing good but feeling a bit sentimental tonight.  Just spent five days in Detroit.  I had a great time with my family.  Everyone met Drew and we just shared simple family time together.

I took Drew to Royal Oak to show him my old "stomping grounds."  Downtown, neighborhoods, and our old house.  Apparently the house Ray and I had in Royal Oak must have gone through foreclosure.  It is abandoned.  No window treatments (which meant we could peek in every window).  There was absolutely no furniture in the house.  However, the fireplace screen we put in was still in there.  After we moved to Saugatuck Ray told me he had wanted me to bring it...I didn't know that.  So, I checked every door to the house...all locked.  I would have taken it if I could have gotten in, after all it is actually mine/ours.  The inside was a MESS!  We walked around the back yard, looked at the pathetic/abandoned gardens, the deck we put in, etc.  I checked the mail slot and there was an envelope which hadn't gone all the way down, so I picked it out.  It was a enveloped addressed to RAY!!  Mailed on January 10, 2012.  It was some insurance statement...$42 was still in an account.  How odd to stop by there and find mail for RAY!!!  Sometimes I think that when I revisit Royal Oak it makes me more depressed.  It brings back memories that will NEVER return.  Wonderful memories that will never return and I can never recreate.  If he were still alive we could dream of moving back (not that we would want to...but) - that will never be.  I have to move on.  Move forward.  I do feel so happy with Drew in my life.  Truly, it is a new life.  -  Jimmy

Emotions "In Check"

Ok, here it is Sunday already!  I've got the real Christmas tree completely down and taken to the recycle spot.  The parlor is "back to normal."  Just have to take down the "purple/crystal" tree and pack that away.  That is the LAST thing other than the lights outside.  However, I unplugged those tonight, so they don't shine.  Christmas is over.  It feels good to have a fresh start.

I cleaned the kitchen and pantry last week.  It looks so nice.  Now I think I'll work on the office (which I did actually start) and the maid's closet.  I feel new energy for the B&B.  I am getting in great reservations and it motivates me.  It makes me think "people do still want to come and stay here."  I had a great article in AAA Living Magazine about our B&B and the cooking class and I've gotten GREAT response!  Plus I've had a group (repeat) book the whole house mid-week in June which is fantastic!  Maybe I'll be able to survive another year!  I try not to let things get me down, there is nothing I can do about most of the things I worry about.  Just let it happen.  Whatever will be...will be.  Enjoy the moment!  Enjoy what I do have right now!

I'm going to Detroit tomorrow.  Drew is coming with me.  He already met my mom and nieces last summer but now he'll meet my sister and brother and sister-in-law.  I'm gonna show him my old "stomping grounds" (as my mom used to say).

I booked a cruise for Drew and I this March!  Yeah!!!  I am going to have my sixth cruise...six years in a row.  I just LOVE them.  This was a balcony room for $799 per person...and we got upgraded!  I just hope we don't have a show-off captain that gets too close to land!  This is the Caribbean again.  Most ports I've been to, but that's ok, as long as I am in the sun, warm weather, and a great cruise ship...I am happy.  The one port I haven't been to is San Juan, Peurto Rico.  The others are St. Marteen, Bahamas, and St. Thomas.  In fact I was in St. Thomas last year.  I was also in St. Thomas and St. Marteen with Ray and my mom on our 2008 cruise.

I am doing really well right now.  Emotions are "in check."  - Jimmy

What Do Others Think?

Yesterday i mentioned my "old pair of sweat pants" - it was a metaphor for grieving. Curling up by myself and cring...missing Ray. Sometimes it is comforting.

I subbed in sixth grade today in Saugatuck. It's great to see the kids and be in a familiar classroom. I love subbing there.

All the Christmas decorations are down and packed away...except the trees. They are so beautiful I am waiting until the last minute. This weekend for sure, I hope. It's nice to see all the decorations coming down and the house starting to look normal again for the new year.

I have now been dating Drew for one year and three months. I've known him for six years. I have really taken this slowly. Very cautiously. I've even kept from posting thoughts and feelings on my blog. But, he does make me very, very happy. I also can't help but feeling guilt about that. (What do others think?) -Jimmy

Grief World

Thoughts of Ray run through my mind. I read my blog of two years ago and relive the moment. I cry. I remember the feelings so well. The emotions were so raw. I enjoy the cries now, they are a release. I am glad I have this online journal to read.

The weather now reminds me of January 2010. That is what makes it so hard now. The senses are triggered. Sight, sound, smell, touch. I see the snow, the sky. I smell the snow, the ice. I hear the shovel, the snowplows, the wind....I am transported back in time to 2010. I touch the shovel...yuck.

Exciting news!! I am getting a new back door. When I was 12 years old I would never have thought I would be excited about getting a new back door....but I am. For only $3,000. I guess when you pay that much for something you have to get excited about it.

I am putting on my "old pair of comfortable sweat pants" (as my grief counselor called it). Getting in my own grief world. Pressing on. - Jimmy

Purge Some Feelings

Sorry for the delay in posting. I went to Chicago with Drew for four days last week. Then, yesterday I got real sick. Some 48 hour flu or something. I'm just starting to feel better. Have eaten nothing since Friday. I will eat some chicken noodle soup tonight, Ray's recipe.

I was just reading my blog from two years ago. My goodness, why didn't I just allow myself to feel the pain and grieve!? I read how bad I wanted to get over it and feel better...now I wish I would have just embraced it and let it happen. I guess the pain was just so bad I wanted it to go away. I tried by best to "deal" with it at the time, I just wish I would have let the feelings be and not try to rush them. Some things I understand better now. Many things my grief counselor said I really understand now. At the time I didn't, but it's clear now.

I had a pretty decent cry tonight. A cry I haven't had in a long, long time. It was a good (and needed) release. I almost feel if I was able to purge some feelings. - Jimmy

Two Years

Two years ago today I officially said good-bye to Ray.  His funeral was today at 1:00 p.m.  What a difference in weather.  I wish it had been as nice then as it is today!  There is no snow and the temperatures are above freezing.  Having this nice weather (in contrast) helps me because it doesn't remind me of the days before and after Ray's death.

I'm doing real well and getting underway for plans for a busy summer already! - Jimmy

All Is Good

I'm doing real good. Emotionally. I've been reading my blog from two years ago, and again I can't believe how far I've come. I have fully accepted that I have a new life now. I am not holding on to the past. I have (and enjoy) my memories...of my life, but I am now in a new life, not even a new chapter...a sequel. It seems to just happen. A new routine, new choices in life, new activities/hobbies, etc. My counselor told me this would happen...I truly didn't believe her.

The weather has been great...for winter so far. All is good. - Jimmy

Only Hours

I am making my favorite dinner tonight. Ray always made it for me...fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. In fact it is the last meal he ever made for me.

I am on my way to the cemetery to pay respects. It's hard to imagine that two years ago right now I had no idea Ray had only a few hours left of life. It's so fragile...enjoy every minute you can. More later. - Jimmy

More Later

I will post several entries today. Right now my mind in whirling of memories from two years ago today. I could probably account what happened that day hour by hour. By this time Ray had already said he thought he should go back to the hospital because he didn't think he was getting better. I took his vitals, gave him his pain medication and he said he felt better...he didn't want to go to the hospital. I laid back down to rest some more and was waiting to call his doctor about his hiccups.

I cried this morning thinking about how Ray's siblings must have felt when I called them with the news. They were a very close family...everyone gets along, unlike many families. So at least they all came together for support for one another and for me. More later. -Jimmy