I'm Looking Forward to 2016!

Well, Christmas is over.  My sixth in a row without Ray.  It's a very sentimental time of year for me as this was Ray's absolute most favorite time of year.

My medications seem to be keeping my emotions in check.  I'm still not quite at 100%, and maybe I never will be.  The mornings are better for me.

I saw this the other day and it really hit me as true:

What is that picture that I have in my head?  The thing is I don't know.  At one time I thought I had the picture and it seemed to match what was in my head.  But that's not how "life" is.  For anyone.  I guess I need to toss any picture I had perceived of what my life was supposed to be and just live it as I go along.  There are many times when I am out and about and everyone else looks like they just got everything together.  What a great life they have.  But I don't know their individual struggles, trials, grief.  I think that I'm the only one that has struggles, grief, anxiety and life stresses.  So in a way I guess it's kind of selfish, I'm only thinking about ME.  Everything I go through is just "life."  Everyone experiences it in some way.

I am healing quite well from my surgery.  It's irritating wearing the neck collar all day and night, and I've got four more months to wear it.  My neck and shoulder pain are gone though!  Hallelujah!

I must say that every year when Christmas is over I love to take down the decorations and do a good cleaning.  It always feels like I'm starting fresh and new.  It's just a feeling, but it's a good one.  I'm looking forward to 2016! - Jimmy

I'm On My Way to Feeling Better

Here it is, December 14 and no snow yet this year.  Personally I am so happy about that.  Especially since I have to wear this awful neck brace I don't have to worry as much about snow and ice when walking.

I've been having a bad time lately with my depression and anxiety.  Each day I think to myself that I'll just get through it, tomorrow will be better.  I made a decision (without checking with my doctor) to quit taking my depression and anxiety medications earlier this year.  When I talked to him at my summer check up he seemed to be ok with my decision as long as I was doing well.  I seemed to be.

However, the last three months my depression has increased and I don't seem to be able to get rid of it.  I know all the right things to tell myself...I have a lot to be thankful for, I have a loving family, I have a loving partner, I have a nice place to live, on and on.  It doesn't make a difference.  I have this pit in my stomach the moment I wake up.  I dread getting out of bed (or the couch for now during my recovery).  It was so bad on Thursday I couldn't go into work.  I was a "mess."  I called my doctor's office and got in touch with a nurse working the phone bank.  I explained my situation and she asked me if I was considering suicide and I replied "no."  I said "...but I really don't care if I live nor not."  She told me to go to the Emergency Room immediately.  My personal doctor's nurse even followed up with a call to ensure I was going.

When I got to the Emergency Room I told them I felt like an idiot (taking up valuable time for something that I didn't see as an Emergency Room situation) but my doctor's office told me to come in.  The nurse said "It's good you listened to your doctor."  I was put in a room that had absolutely NOTHING but a bed in it.  A television was on the wall covered by plexi-glass as well as a very noticeable camera in the ceiling corner.  They had to bring a chair in for Drew.  Obviously this room was so sparse so that whoever is in it couldn't use something to harm themselves or others.  I spent time talking to a doctor who did a physical on me, then I spent quite a bit of time with a social worker.  She advised me to get in touch with my doctor to get my depressant medication refilled and to schedule an appointment with him just to follow up.  I have started the medication again, but it takes two weeks to really start taking affect in my system.  I am on day 5.  I see my doctor tomorrow.

In addition to her diagnosis of clinical depression, the social worker said I am also being hit with the time of year of the loss of my love, it's also the time of year that "seasonal affect disorder" takes place and (after our fact finding discussion) I'm at the age of a "mid-life" crisis.  So I've really been hit hard with a lot of stuff.

I feel better just having gone for help and knowing I'm not nuts (well I guess a little - thus the medication).  I just couldn't take it anymore last Thursday and knew I needed to do something and get help.

I'm on my way to feeling better - emotionally and physically.  - Jimmy 

I Just Need To Get Through New Year's

I hate this time of year.  Yes, I said it.  My blog is a journal of my feelings.  It has helped me look back at where I’ve been over the past six years and see my progress.  Today, though, I have to get this off my chest.

Note:  My blog is an honest, raw reflection of my feelings.  Please read with caution.  I know I am not the only one with struggles in my life, but this is my story.

It usually hits me around mid-November…of course.  That is when Ray was diagnosed with his colon cancer.  That was all that was on our minds from that point on until his death on January 3, 2010.  That Christmas was pure hell for me.  (Ray too of course.)  I can remember being awakened by the phone ringing at 1:30 in the morning about four days after his surgery.  They said Ray was going into emergency surgery and he wanted me to be there.  His colon had leaked and they needed to go in and “clean him out” and perform an ileostomy on him.  It was after this surgery that the surgeon updated me on his progress and the results of his pathology report.  It wasn’t good.  The colon cancer was at stage 3C (each stage, 1-4, had an A, B, or C).  Stage 3C is just before stage 4, the worst, so I knew it wasn’t good.  When I went in to see him after he awoke from the surgery I didn’t tell him.  I wanted the doctor to tell him. 

I went home to try to get some sleep, which I never got any.  I called my mom and can remember exactly where I was sitting in the parlor.  I was looking at all the Christmas decorations we had put up and I told her I wanted to smash them all and throw them away. 

So, when this time of year rolls around I am reminded by the sights, sounds, weather…and of course Christmas…of that time I just wanted to destroy it all.  I awake in the morning with a pit in my stomach.  Sometimes it makes me so upset I vomit.  I try so hard to tell myself that it’s “ok” – things are better, but the mind is a very powerful thing. 

I know all the “right things” to tell myself.  God has truly blessed me over the last six years.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I love where I live.  I love my job – and it’s location to home.  I have a thoughtful, caring and honest to the bone partner.  And I have to be honest (which is what my blog is about) I do not miss the Kirby House.  I was so ready to move on after three years of running it without Ray.  So what’s my problem?  This is my struggle.

As I’ve written before in my blogs, sometimes as I write them I get some answers to my own questions.  So, as I am writing this I am thinking that I need to start my days counting my blessings.  Thanking God for my blessings.  Get my mind on positive things.  At the beginning of the year I put a “Blessings Jar” on a shelf at my desk (no one knows about it…until now).  On a small slip of paper I wrote the date and just one thing I was thankful for throughout the year.    Maybe I will post those in a future 2016 blog.

I slowly ease into a more steady emotion as the day progresses and by evening I am feeling much better.  Until now only Drew has known about my struggle (and one person at work has an idea).  This is my life.  This is my continued process of grief even after six years.  I just need to get through New Year’s.  - Jimmy