I Just Need To Get Through New Year's

I hate this time of year.  Yes, I said it.  My blog is a journal of my feelings.  It has helped me look back at where I’ve been over the past six years and see my progress.  Today, though, I have to get this off my chest.

Note:  My blog is an honest, raw reflection of my feelings.  Please read with caution.  I know I am not the only one with struggles in my life, but this is my story.

It usually hits me around mid-November…of course.  That is when Ray was diagnosed with his colon cancer.  That was all that was on our minds from that point on until his death on January 3, 2010.  That Christmas was pure hell for me.  (Ray too of course.)  I can remember being awakened by the phone ringing at 1:30 in the morning about four days after his surgery.  They said Ray was going into emergency surgery and he wanted me to be there.  His colon had leaked and they needed to go in and “clean him out” and perform an ileostomy on him.  It was after this surgery that the surgeon updated me on his progress and the results of his pathology report.  It wasn’t good.  The colon cancer was at stage 3C (each stage, 1-4, had an A, B, or C).  Stage 3C is just before stage 4, the worst, so I knew it wasn’t good.  When I went in to see him after he awoke from the surgery I didn’t tell him.  I wanted the doctor to tell him. 

I went home to try to get some sleep, which I never got any.  I called my mom and can remember exactly where I was sitting in the parlor.  I was looking at all the Christmas decorations we had put up and I told her I wanted to smash them all and throw them away. 

So, when this time of year rolls around I am reminded by the sights, sounds, weather…and of course Christmas…of that time I just wanted to destroy it all.  I awake in the morning with a pit in my stomach.  Sometimes it makes me so upset I vomit.  I try so hard to tell myself that it’s “ok” – things are better, but the mind is a very powerful thing. 

I know all the “right things” to tell myself.  God has truly blessed me over the last six years.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I love where I live.  I love my job – and it’s location to home.  I have a thoughtful, caring and honest to the bone partner.  And I have to be honest (which is what my blog is about) I do not miss the Kirby House.  I was so ready to move on after three years of running it without Ray.  So what’s my problem?  This is my struggle.

As I’ve written before in my blogs, sometimes as I write them I get some answers to my own questions.  So, as I am writing this I am thinking that I need to start my days counting my blessings.  Thanking God for my blessings.  Get my mind on positive things.  At the beginning of the year I put a “Blessings Jar” on a shelf at my desk (no one knows about it…until now).  On a small slip of paper I wrote the date and just one thing I was thankful for throughout the year.    Maybe I will post those in a future 2016 blog.

I slowly ease into a more steady emotion as the day progresses and by evening I am feeling much better.  Until now only Drew has known about my struggle (and one person at work has an idea).  This is my life.  This is my continued process of grief even after six years.  I just need to get through New Year’s.  - Jimmy