I Think It's Here to Stay For A While

I am at peace.  It's been seven years, but I am at peace this Christmastime.  Since 2009, when Ray's cancer diagnosis and complications began, until just this year - I have had major anxiety, depression and dread this time of year.  I've gotten through those seasons with a lot of masks.  I had a mask for the depression, one for dread, one for anxiety and a number of others to cover up how I was feeling.  I was open about my feelings in my blog - so anyone reading this knows what I was going through, but for others I think I hid it pretty well.

One definition of peace is "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility."  I took it a step further to find the definition of "disturbance."  One definition of disturbance is "the disruption of healthy functioning."  That has been me.  I've been living a disruption of healthy functioning.  I feel that I have freedom from that.  While I don't expect this to be permanent, I do strongly feel inside that I have reached a plateau.  A person will never have permanent peace until one with God, but I truly feel I have reached a point in the grief process that my body, my brain, and my emotions are all working together as one...for good. 

Over the last few years I have felt that my life is "over."  By that I mean that I didn't see any future for me that seemed better...or bright.  I do now.  I feel a zest for life.  I want to do more with who I am now as a different person than I was seven years ago.  I want to do something different because I am different. 

I am happy.  I am at peace...and I think it's here to stay for a while.  - Jimmy

Without That

Cries this morning...for Ray. Looking at a photo posted on Facebook of Ray's (and my future) tombstone.  The photo was posted by my friend and former guest Dave. He placed some pumpkins at Ray's grave for Halloween. There were so many "likes" and when I saw all who "liked" the photo it made me cry. I looked at each name and thought of each relationship Ray had with each individual.

Each year as I approach the anniversary of his diagnosis, surgery and death I get major anxiety and depression. And...I usually need to medicate for a few months. I'm hoping I can get through this year without that.  - Jimmy

Haiku, Friends, Memories of Mackinac Island & Huntington's

A life lived

Complimented with wonderful friends

Completes a happy life

I've had the great opportunity to spend the last week with wonderful friends of mine.  Friends I met through the bed and breakfast and a friend from my work back in Detroit.  Their visits made me happy.  We spoke of memories with Ray but that didn't sadden me - for a change.  These friends came at separate times and treated Drew and me to dinner and I made dinner a couple of nights. 

Their visits were great for my soul.  I don't really get out much socially as money can be an issue and I kind of like the solitude of being home alone - with Drew and my "babies."  This last week's socialization was much needed for me.   It was also needed for Drew.  As his disability has made it pretty much difficult to have a job, he stays home all day (and night) without much socialization.  We had a talk about that recently.  I think it would be great for him to get out and volunteer somewhere.  He stated that he would like to start going to church.  I told him that I think that would be awesome.  It would give him a chance to get out and socialize - not to mention it would be good food for his soul.  There is a great church in Douglas that our friend Mary goes to.  I work on Sundays so I am not able to attend.  (Also, having a very bad taste of the "church" experience as a kid - a Pastor's Kid - I have a difficult time with "church" which I need to eventually deal with.)

In addition to the friends I spent time with last week I am happy to say that Susie (Ray's sister from Colorado) came to town and I will be spending time with her and Marguerite (one of Ray's other sisters) tomorrow night.  She is always so fun to be with.  I love to tease her because she falls for it every time and then we laugh about it.  

It's a lovely autumn day here in Saugatuck.  The sun is out and the air is cool.  This type of day reminds me of being on Mackinac Island with Ray during our annual "post Labor Day" trip.  We always cherished those trips as it was our turn to relax and let others "wait" on us.  One time we were in our room at the Hotel Iroquois and I said to Ray "I love the sound of that."  He asked what I was referring to and I told him it was the sound of a vacuum in the hallway.  I said, "it's nice to hear someone else vacuuming."  It was always so nice to chill out on the Island.  We didn't have to worry about driving anywhere - as there are no cars on the island (except for emergency vehicles).  We always felt refreshed and renewed when we got back home.  It gave us the energy to get back to our hospitality work at the bed and breakfast and start planning our "off season" event packages.  

On our last trip in 2009 we made it to the Bavarian restaurant owned by the Grand Hotel called "Woods."  It was in the center of the Island on a hill.  A horse drawn carriage from the Grand Hotel picked us up and took us (and other diners) up past the Grand and to the restaurant.  It was a great experience and beautiful restaurant.  

 

We continue to get treatment for Drew's Huntington's Disease.  Tomorrow I take him to Blodgett Hospital in Grand Rapids.  He is having a "swallow test" done.  They will do a CT scan and capture images of him swallowing things. One of the functions that degenerates over time in patients with Huntington's Disease is swallowing.  So this will be the first test to gauge where he is at right now.  I don't think he has any problems at this point, but I guess this will allow doctors to follow his progression for the future.  He's being taken care of by many great specialists.  I'm hoping that by being pro-active we can keep on top of things and the latest breakthroughs.  While a cure is far from becoming a reality, I've heard from our small town pharmacist that major advancements to treating the effects of the disease are close.  He's been losing major weight (another issue in many patients) and I am concerned about that.  We spoke to his neurologist about this last month and we are working on increasing his caloric intake.   

After Drew's hospital visit (weather permitting) we plan to take in some sights at this year's "Art Prize."  Some customers told me that there is a display in front of the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum made from all kitchen gadgets.  It is called "Black Market" by Justin La Doux.  I think that would be pretty cool to see.  This event has become quite internationally known.  

This is my life, these are my thoughts.  Keeping this blog over the last six years has helped me to look back at my life after Ray died and see how I've been progressing.  It's therapeutic for me, interesting for some and boring for others.  But this has been for me more than anything else.  - Jimmy

God Bless!

I started working at The Butler Pantry (a kitchen, gourmet food store) in downtown Saugatuck on April 24.  I am now officially out of the lodging industry.  It's a real nice change.  I love the in-person "one on one" interactions with customers (which I keep calling "guests").  I spent three years on the phone eight hours a day.  That just isn't me.  There is so much more physical activity now that I have lost 14 pounds since I started.  (In fact, I've lost 32 pounds since last June which was much needed.)  I love working there and am so happy I had this opportunity to make the change. 

Last week a great friend of mine from the Bank I worked at visited us.  It was so nice to spend time with him, share memories, laugh and eat.  On Friday another mutual friend (and his partner) came in from the Detroit area to spend the weekend at their Saugatuck home.  They invited Drew and me for dinner.  I had an amazing time.  I felt "normal" for a moment.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that, but just being around old friends having appetizers, cocktails, conversations, dinner and this not being friends from the B&B or Saugatuck just made me feel like my old self.  It was like being in another world (an old familiar world) that had nothing to do with my Saugatuck past. 

Sometimes I think it would be good for me to relocate to a place where no one knows me or my past.  A fresh start.  A place where there are no memories of Ray.  I love my memories with him but I am bombarded by them daily.  I think more so due to living in such a small town.  I can't escape the daily constant reminders of my past life with him in such small surroundings.  I think it makes it more difficult to move on to the new me.  Six years have gone by and I still struggle.  It's better. Way better than it was six years ago, five years ago, and even last year.  But I struggle. 

When I'm driving alone I have time to think (which is not always so good).  When I have those times and I start thinking about Ray and our past life it's like a wave coming down crashing on me pushing me under water.  It overtakes my body and I cry.  I know what that wave feels like.  When Ray and I first went to Hawaii we both bought $1.99 blow up rafts at the ABC Store to use in the hotel pool.  When we read "no pool toys" were allowed we took them to the ocean.  Well, I was not too familiar with many beaches at that time beyond Metro Park Beach at 16 Mile Rd.  The waves on Poipu Beach in Hawaii are quite bigger than Metro Beach.  I got out on my $1.99 raft and saw some waves coming in.  I swam out to them and a big one came.  It was probably about 10 feet tall.  I saw it start to come down on me and I just squeezed my arms around my raft so I wouldn't lose it, held my breath and closed my eyes.  CRASH.  The force pushed me under water and into a swirling heap of twists and turns.  I surfaced and another one came.  Ray swam over to me on his raft.  He came to help get me out of this current and he came because his raft had a small hole and was losing air.  I will never forget that feeling.  (Below is a picture of me in our hotel room right after this incident.  The flowers were sent to us by Ray's sister Susie.  You can see how exhausted I look.)

I have been wanting to start a side business doing photography.  I have always had a passion for photography and did some of that for the Bank when I worked there.  When they found out how good my photos were they decided it was much less expensive to have me do it than pay a professional.  I have no other professional experience other than doing it for the B&B and as a hobby.  But I think I'm pretty good at it.  I've set up a website and have been working on it.  My fear is that it actually may take off and I might feel as if I bit off more than I could chew.  Plus, I have a lot to learn and know very little about the industry (other than discussions with photographers who have stayed at The Kirby House).  The website is www.abfabphotos.com. 

Drew and I are continuing to deal with his Huntington's Disease.  We have been going to several different professionals including a Genetics Doctor, Neuro-Psychologist, Speech Therapist, etc.  I have to keep an eye on him to be sure he eats, hydrates, and doesn't trip or fall on something.  I keep a watchful eye on our surroundings when we are out and about and warn him to be careful of things I see.  He is doing well but we just have to keep an eye on things. 

This is pretty much my update on my life right now.  God Bless! - Jimmy

Old Home Week Struggles

Last week Drew and I took a four day trip to Detroit to visit my family.  I was fortunate enough to sneak in a few very short visits with friends.  In a way it was like "Old Home Week" for me.  It was wonderful, except for one thing. The memories.

As we drove around the old "hood" (this includes the Royal Oak, Troy, Clawson area which Ray and I spent most of our time living) hundreds of memories flooded my mind.  I would constantly point things out to Drew and say "I can't believe that is still there" or "Wow, when did that new building go up?"  So many things exactly the same as the day I left on Friday, April 24, 1998 and many things changed or new.  In my mind I wanted everything to be exactly as I had left it.  I wanted it to be a time capsule for me.  A place I could go back to and find refuge in familiarity.  I can't do that though.  It's impossible.

My mind plays tricks on me.  In a weird way I have this feeling that if Ray and I had never moved to Saugatuck everything would be the same today as it was when we left.  So I have this sense of regret for moving.  Then I have thoughts that if I moved back things would just all fall into place and everything would be "normal" - just like when we left it.  It's not true...there is no way to go back in time or make time stand still.  That's hard to accept.

I think the only time a person has feelings like this is when they've suffered a huge loss in their life. You want to go back to how things were.  There is this underlying feeling that it somehow can happen.  I try to make it happen.  I think I'll feel better by driving around where Ray and I lived and I can somehow capture moments in time.  If I go to a certain place we frequented maybe I can get a good feeling - almost like a "high" someone is looking for when they're on drugs.  I've heard that people on strong (illegal) drugs always want to have that "high" they had the first time they tried it, but can never get it.  That's how I feel when I try to revisit places or events that Ray and I shared.  I want to have that "feeling" again.  The only thing is, when the day is over the reality sets in and I know it can't be done.

One afternoon we went to "Somerset Collection" in Troy with my sister and nieces. I used to go there frequently with my friend Joe back in the day.  Walking around the mall, with the same stores, smells, and visuals brought back so many memories.  We then made a short stop to visit a friend of mine (and former co-worker at the bank).  After we were greeted at the door (like Royalty) Sue and I talked, laughed and teared up like we had just seen each other a few days ago. My heart sank because I just felt like if I moved back everything would fall into place like the day I left - and again I know it can't.

The thing is, everyone's lives I left behind 18 years ago have changed drastically too.  Sue's husband passed away a few years ago and she has two children she is raising on her own.  My friend Joe has moved out of Royal Oak and has had major life changes as well.  So no matter if we stayed or not, things wouldn't be the same.  There are times I regret moving to Sauguatck as I feel that if we had stayed on the East side of the state Ray would still be alive.  That's a lie I tell myself trying to believe it.

So, I wonder if going to visit the past is really such a good thing.  Sometimes it's best to just move on, go forward, don't look back.  I know that if Ray were still alive I wouldn't have these feelings.  We would just be moving forward with our lives, keeping in touch with friends and dreaming of our future.  However, there is this feeling I have inside me that is so true.  I've seen it written probably hundreds of times before Ray died but thought it was a bit dramatic.  It is that truly, when Ray died a big part of me died too.  A big part of me just STOPPED.  It had to.  He was no longer part of my life, my memories, my dreams, my future and that part of me had to stop too.

It's been over six years and I still don't go a moment without Ray on the back of my mind.  I'll think of him, see someone that looks a little like him, find a card from him, or hear a song I know he loved or said it made him think of me and I'll tear up. Sometimes still even cry.  I love to watch old videos and hear his voice and see his face, but afterwards I feel worse.  So, I don't do it often.  Maybe it was better before videos and pictures.  A deceased spouse was just in your memories.  There were no visuals, videos or sounds of their voice you could listen to and make you sad.

I've had thoughts of suicide over the last six years...(there I finally said it).  Serious thoughts. The only two things that kept me from doing it are how my mother would be devastated, and the thought that if it didn't work I would survive (and maybe be worse for it).  Suicide really is a "cop out" as it just makes everything worse for those who survive.  So those who choose to live struggle to move forward with great stride, effort, and emotions...on a daily basis.  Some days it's even a chore just to get out of bed and deal with "life."

(Side note:  As I type this I have a cute 13 pound dog sleeping on my lap.  His head resting on my arm, dealing with the movement as I type on the keyboard.  He makes me happy.  Almost more so than a human can because his deep affection is unconditional.  He gives me love because he wants to (and he wants some too) not because he knows I'm feeling sad and it's his obligation.)

I will be back to Detroit in June for my niece's graduation party.  This time I'll be staying away from the old "hood."  I'll be fine moving forward, but I always have to look back.  This is my life and journey.  Still struggling to move on. - Jimmy

Spring & Positive Changes

Spring is here!  We actually had a mild winter compared to the last two.  There's no snow outside at all.  Last week it was 60 degrees out and Drew and I took Harley for a nice long walk.  The temperature was perfect.  Then we grilled outside.  This is about our fourth time grilling in the last month.  Today, Easter Sunday, it has gone up to 71 degrees!


My blog was started with the intention of last only a day or two.  I originally was just going to post that Ray was out of surgery and doing fine.  That way I wasn't plastering all our personal information over Facebook and I didn't have to call all our family and friends.  They could just check the blog on their own to see the update.  Well, here it is six plus years later and my blog continues.  Not as much about my grief, as I have grown from it.  It's still there and always will be - just in a different way than it was six years ago.


The winter is hard on me because it brings back too many memories of Ray's death.  Now that the warmer temps are here and the sun is out longer and spring is upon us I start to feel better.  Spring has always made me think of new life - which it is. 


I'm looking forward to making some positive changes in my life soon.  I think it will be good for me and Drew.  More on that later.


We spent Easter with friends Dan & Tao (and others).  This was our fifth year sharing it with them.  We colored eggs on Friday night and then did an egg hunt on Saturday.  (We celebrated on Saturday as they go back home on Sunday).  It was really a fun time.

Tonight we are having another Easter dinner with Tom and Mary.  There were at Dan and Tao's also, but we're sharing another Easter celebration.

I Look Forward to Spring!

My cervical collar is off!  Hallelujah!  I had my x-rays and the doctor said everything looked good and I don't need to wear it anymore.  He suggested I "wean" myself off of it but I've pretty much gone cold turkey.  Below is a picture of my most recent x-ray - you can see the hardware in my neck.

Looking at my neck from the front.

My profile.

The best part...I have NO pain anymore.  After 11 years going back and forth with this I am pain free.

Last night we had lightning and thunderstorms go through the area.  The mild temps and rain got rid of almost all the snow.  It sure has been a better winter here than the last four!

I'm doing good with my emotions and feelings.  It's hard to believe that after six years they can still be so up and down.  I'm referring to my grieving of Ray's death.  You never really "get over it."  Every time I think of events in the past I always think "was Ray dead or alive?"  That helps me pinpoint timelines.

My oldest niece, Lauren, is graduating from High School this year.  I am planning on going to Detroit for the graduation party in June.  I look forward to it as that will probably be the first time I can get out there to see everyone between now and then.

My life is so much simpler these days.  Not having to be "on" 24/7 is so nice.  It's been three years but after doing that for 15 years it's hard to shake that feeling off.  At times I will hear a car door at home and kind of jump a little thinking someone has pulled into the B&B parking lot.  Then I realize quickly that no one is coming to see me.  Sigh of relief.

It's February already, there's daylight longer and I look forward to spring! - Jimmy

Happy New Year!

I am so ready for a new year!  I want to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh.  It always feels like that when I've got all the Christmas decorations down, packed away and have done a deep cleaning.  I haven't gotten that done yet as I've been down and out with a cold, but I should be getting there soon when this is over.  I've been lucky, I haven't had a cold or flu since March 2014!


Today is the sixth anniversary of Ray's funeral.  After the funeral we went to the cemetery and found out that they had dug the wrong plot.  So, he was actually buried the next day.  So much has happened in the six years since then, yet it still seems like yesterday.


I'm doing quite well from my surgery.  There is no neck or shoulder pain!  I'm just still wearing the neck brace.  I have x-rays and another follow-up with the doctor on January 26.  Maybe he'll tell me I can stop wearing it!  I had a substantial "out of pocket" costs I had to meet before everything else was covered, so I've got quite a bit of medical bills due. 


It's nice living "small."  So much less to worry about.  Small home, less stuff, more time.  I really do have everything I need.  It's easy to want more, but that is just "stuff."  I think 2016 will be a great year. - Jimmy