I Have to Embrace It

It's Thursday....already!  The week flies by.  I made "snowball cookies" (aka:  butterball cookies) yesterday and a Dobos Torte.  Every Christmas my grandmother would make at least a dozen Dobos Tortes.  This is an eleven layer cake, originally made in Hungary.  Hungary is close to Austria so the desert carried over to there.  My grandfather was from Austria, so that must be the source for my grandmother's inspiration.  I am going to make another one today for my mom.  Marguerite is going to Detroit on Saturday, so she said she would deliver it to my mom. 

Cold outside, and only in the 20's today.  It really is pretty outside with all the snow.  However, in two months I am sure I will be writing about how sick and tired I am of it.  However, I have a wonderful 10 day cruise in March/April that I can look forward to. 

I feel great today.  I see a great big light at the end of the tunnel.  A door has opened and I am walking right in.  I've held back for a couple months, but it seems right.  Yes, I am talking about "dating."  I've talked in length about it with my grief counselor and she has given me great insight.  It is a long distance "relationship" right now and I think that is good for me.  I can take it slow.  His name is Drew, he lives in Chicago and I've actually known him for five years.  He has stayed here with a group of friends over the years so he knew Ray...which makes it a plus.  Otherwise he would be sick and tired of me constantly talking about "Ray." 

Back in January, February, March, April, May (and even June) I never, EVER would have thought I could feel like I do now.  I am starting to feel normal.  Actually NORMAL!  It's been a long road, because I've had to start a new life.  Yesterday I said to Marguerite that I wished Ray was back and everything was back to the way is WAS.  Then I said...it can't, it never will be, that is the reality...I have to move on.  I think I have accepted the fact that I do have a new life.  I have to embrace it.  I have no choice.  And, I can accept that fact.  - Jimmy

Very Far

Ok, this morning that song from "White Christmas" is running through my mind.  "Snow...snow...snow...I want to wash my face, my hands, my feet in snow..."  Or something to that effect.  My late brother David had his own version of that song with different body parts mentioned.  He was a crazy guy.  A real comedian. 

I'm feeling pretty good this morning.  Just couldn't sleep.  So, I got up early and put on my favorite show....Judge Judy.  Checked my email and soon I'll see what's up on Facebook.

Pretty slow here at the B&B right now.  I guess it gives me some time to catch up on my rest and enjoy the holidays. 

I can hear the snow beating against the skylights.  It must be a heavy, icy snow.  Thank God I have auto-start on my truck.  I will start it up about 20 minutes before I have to go for grief counseling. 

We've probably got about six inches of snow now.  Not as much as Holland, but it's starting to pile up. 

I'm happy.  I'm doing good.  Just continuing the journey of grief.  I believe I'm moving along quite well though.  I didn't think I would be able to get this far back in January, but I've travelled far.  Very far.  - Jimmy

My original blog is here:  http://www.kirbyhouse.com/blog

Happy and Sad at the Same Time

Is it possible to feel very happy and terribly sad at the same time?  I am doing so much better.  Evidenced by looking back at my blogs from January.  I cried tonight at my loss of Ray, but am loving the snow, Christmas music and decorations.  It's like I am living in two seperate worlds right now...at the same time. 

I vegged out all day.  Slept in until 10:00 a.m.  Watched two episodes of Judge Judy.  Watched "The View" and then started the second season of "Queer as Folk" (ok, a little late on that I know).  I did pay some bills and run a couple erronds this afternoon.  Now, instead of cooking dinner, I'm going to order pizza.  Marguerite and I are going to watch old "family videos" tonight.  From 1995. 

I have grief counseling tomorrow.  I am ready for it.  I have a lot to talk about and clarify.  - Jimmy

Relaxing

OK, feeling a bit more rested today.  Finished breakfast this morning, cleaned up and now I am just taking it easy today.  Not really planning on doing anything in particular.  Although, I am catching up on Judge Judy episodes I have on my TiVo.

It is very windy and cold out.  The snow is falling too.  We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow over the next three days. 

It's nice to be able to sit and relax.  Over the last two months it seems like I've constantly had something to do.  Pack, plan and go to Key West, then Vienna, then Thanksgiving, then decorate for Christmas and Chicago somewhere inbetween there.  So, it is nice to have time to just relax. 

A year ago today Susie came to visit Ray just before he went in for his surgery.  I think I'll give her a call.

I'm feeling good today.  I feel a little "down" and I can't really pin-point why.  - Jimmy

I Am Just Tired

Well, first Dickens Dinner Package without Ray.  Good thing there were only five people.  I got through it though. 

Today has been a tough day.  I have been so tired and exhausted.  Maybe because I've been traveling too much.  Vienea, Chicago...back home.  AND decorating.  I am just tired.  - Jimmy

I've Got My Seatbelt On

The cloudy, dark skies and snow covered ground remind me of the trips I took to Holland Hospital to visit Ray.  I remember the day we left for his surgery...he held my hand in the car and said "Do you think I'm gonna make it?"  I said "of course you will."  I believed it.  I really did.  Earlier this year someone said to me "If you want to make God laugh tell him what you have planned for your life."  (Or something to that effect.)  How true, how true.  As I went to the cemetery the other day I said "one year ago I would have NEVER imagined that I would be driving to the cemetery to pay respects to Ray." 

I am going to Grandville today to go to Costco and then to Grand Rapids to go to G.B. Russo.  G.B. Russo is a gourmet food/kitchen shop.  They have awesome stuff.  Friedl, Marguerite and Drew are going with me.  Then, we are going to The Green Well (again) for dinner.  I was scheduled to have grief counseling today, but she called to cancel because she has the flu. 

Last night I made the butternut squash soup for this weekend's dinner.  Then I made pork medallions for our dinner last night.  So the kitchen was a busy place.  I am really loving cooking.  Two years ago I would NEVER have thought I would be cooking like I am...and LOVING it.  It's a good thing or else I would starve.

Marguerite got home from Detroit yesterday.  She had a wonderful time with her family, but she said she was happy to be home.  It's great to travel, but it is always nice to get back into your own surroundings and your own bed.

I'm moving forward.  However, I anticipate that I will be having some hard times in the days ahead.  I've got my seatbelt on.  - Jimmhy

Snow and Nice Days

The first day of snow.  Winter is here.  I raked a big chunk of leaves two days ago...just in time!  Visiting the cemetery now will really bring back memories from last winter! 

Yesterday I went to the Grand Rapids Art Museum with my friend Drew.  They had the Lady Diana exhibit there.  It was quite amazing.  Over 150 personal artifacts, letters to her parents when she was a child, gowns, jewels and even the famous wedding dress.  It was really amazing to stand within inches of that famous dress.  To think she wore that on that famous day, July 29, 1981 - I remember that day myself.  Afterward we went to the Amway Grand Hotel and had a drink, then to a great neighborhood restaurant in Grand Rapids called "The Green Well."  By the time we left it was packed and there were people waiting....this was on a Tuesday night in December.  Must be popular.  At 8:00 we went to Friedl's to have dessert and watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  It was a great day.  I really enjoyed myself.

Today I will go to shopping in Holland for food for the Dickens Dinner this weekend.  I already picked up the duck. 

Ten days until the one year anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I was reading my blog from last December and it really chocked me up.  As bad as it makes me feel I have this urge to read it.  Maybe it's like looking at a bad accident.  It is horrible to look at but there is this urge and curiosity about it.  I have to look back and re-experience my feelings.  I need to do it.  To relive the memory.  So, my emotions are a roller coaster.  I am doing good though.  I have grief counseling tomorrow, I look forward to it. - Jimmy