I Will Never Grow

Up early yet again.  I haven't changed my clock in the bedroom from daylight savings time...so I thought it was 6:40 a.m., but it was 5:40 a.m.  I thought 6:40 was an "ok" time to get up, but whew....this is too early, especially since I don't have to get get up. 

My mind whirls.  I think about EVERYTHING and it keeps me up.  So, why not just get out of bed rather than lay there miserable.  I've checked my email, facebook and subbing jobs.  There was a PE job available today, but it was in a district I'm not registered for.  I don't know why those jobs keep showing up.  I'll have to contact them and see what's up with that!

I had a great time at Friedl's last night.  Karlene and I went there for dinner and had a great time.  We looked at the coffee table book we made from our trip to Vienna.  Friedl made a wonderful chicken stir fry with rice.  And...tonight Marguerite and I go to friend's for a "cookie exchange." 

I am healing more and more every day.  I am starting to accept my new life.  I just have to move on.  I need it.  The business needs it.  My family and friends need it.  I have realized that accepting it doesn't mean I forget Ray.  I've had this guilty feeling that if I embrace and accept my new life that I am dishonoring Ray.  I'm not, it's just reality.  I will always cherish my Ray.  But, as much as I want it, I can never have him back.  I can't let myself deteriorate.  I know he would move on...and he would want me to also.  I move forward now.  Rather than standing still and looking back...I am moving ahead.  If I don't I will never grow.  - Jimmy

Mac and Cheese, Coffee Tables Books and Train Station

I watched "Glee" for the first time last night.  I don't know what took me so long...it was great!  Last night was Madonna songs then another show with Brittany Spears songs.  Someone told me they were reruns, but it was the first time for me.  I loved it.

I'm going to go into Holland this afternoon.  Need to pick up some things at Meijer and then I just might stop at TJ Maxx.  Or...maybe Target.  Not sure, I'll have to see how I feel. 

I still haven't gotten to my Christmas cards.  Maybe today. 

I have to pick a guest (Karelen) up at the train station tonight.  I'm going to stop at Friedl's first though and have a glass of wine...at about 8:00.  She is getting her hair done and wants to make sure someone sees it.  A ploy to get me to come by and visit.  Also, I am going to bring the book we made on Sunday night.  We went online and made a coffee table book from our visit to Vienna.  It is being delivered today. 

I feel pretty good today.  I'm going to make a gourmet mac and cheese for dinner.  We had this "mac and cheese" at the Green Well in Grand Rapids.  It is NOT your mothers mac and cheese.  It is amazing.  In the recipe you'll find snow peas, chicken, bacon, ham, mushrooms and tomatoes, along with bread crumbs.  - Jimmy 

...But I Don't

It is sunny outside and bitter cold.  Only in the 20s today, ten degrees lower than the normal average temperatures.  Slept well last night. 

I think I'll get going on my Christmas cards today.  I started last week, but didn't get too far.  I'm only sending out a very limited amount to family and close friends.  Last year I didn't send any out.  There was too much going on with Ray's surgery and such. 

Not a lot going on in my life right now.  I think that's good.  Actually it's great.  It's been a hectic year filled with high emotions, grief, major responsibilities, and starting a new life.  Now I feel like I am settled down...normal.  Just daily routines.  It feels wierd...I feel like there is something I "HAVE" to do, but I don't. - Jimmy

Enjoying The Peace

Cold and snowy here in Douglas, Michigan.  But I haven't left the house yet today...and I don't plan to other than to shovel the snow.  I've been reading a book, cleaning house, washing dishes, and putzing around.  Just doing what I want...as I want.

I had an awesome time last night with Friedl.  We had dinner at Clearbrook and then I dropped her off at home and stopped in for a glass of wine.  We talked and talked.  Her dog, Lipsie, and I cuddled too.  She is a greyhound...and a beautiful dog.  It was just the perfect evening.

I have been waking up the last few mornings feeling very anxious.  I don't know why...maybe it's the time of year.  I feel better after taking my medication though...thank God. 

On Wednesday there is a Business Association Social at the Lakeview Lanes Bowling Alley.  I think I may go.  It may be nice to get out and chat with my peers.  Plus, I can walk there...so here I come cash bar!

My life is quiet right now.  Not too much on my mind and not too much going on.  I am enjoying the peace.  - Jimmy

It's Not Too Late For Me

A year ago right now (5:55 pm) Ray's surgery was over.  We had to wait until he was awake to see him, that was about 8:00 pm.  I remember how great he looked and acted.  He felt no pain, because his anti-pain medication from surgery was still in "effect."  We felt so good that night.  I remember going to Phil's Bar and Grill after the hospital and downtown Saugatuck looked so good.  The lights, the horse drawn carriage rides...I was so proud for Scott and Mary Ellen to see our town...and happy that things looked so good for Ray's recovery.  Memories as vivid as a full moon on a crystal clear night.  Memories that are etched in my mind forever.  It literally feels like it could have been yesterday even though it's been a long year.  Probably because I have relived that day and the following month every single day since then.  It seems like it could have been yesterday because in my mind I lived it yet again yesterday.  It's like memorizing a song.  Once you've sang it over and over and over again...you know it word for word.

The house is quiet other than the fish tank and Christmas music (and four paws running around).  It's a solitude that I think I've needed for a while.  Being alone to reflect.  Assess how I'm doing and feeling.  I went to the cemetery tonight.  I had to...being the anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I've grown a lot over the last year.  I truly see things differently than I ever have in my life.  Life is so precious.  So strong and yet so delicate. 

Love each day.  Don't let the little things irritate you.  Relax.  Smell the roses.  Appreciate your family, health, love, friends, and laugh a lot too.  Small advice from me.  Sometimes it's too late when you learn these things...it's not too late for me.  - Jimmy

One Year Anniversary

A year ago today.  The picture was taken a year ago today right before we went to the hospital.  Ray has a smile, but it looks like a "forced" smile.  It's not his usual, natural smile.  He was afraid. 

I remember the drive to the hospital so clearly.  We went in the Mazda.  Over the next two weeks I made over two dozen trips to the hospital in that car.  I am now happy I traded that car in.  It would have been a hard time getting in that car this time of year.  Just one of those small changes I made to help me move on.

I am home alone.  Maybe that is good.  It gives me some quality time to reflect and search my soul.  Not sure what I will do today.  Maybe write out some Christmas cards, watch a movie (definitely Judge Judy), maybe I'll go to Blue Star Antique Pavilion and walk around.  Maybe I'll do some laundry or clean the apartment.  Maybe I will do NOTHING!  It's nice that I have all those options.  Tonight I'm going to Clearbrook with Friedl.  What is really ironic is that I got a haircut on Decmeber 10th last year (just like this year) and Scott, Mary Ellen and I went to Clearbrook on the Saturday after Ray's sugery last year, just like this year.  The ironic thing is that this is a coincidence.  Anyway, these are just some things I realized.

Lots of snow is on the way.  I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere.  - Jimmy

Judge Judy

The temps are above freezing today and the sun is actually out.  Feels like a late March day.  I got my haircut this morning and then went to Rivertown Crossings Mall to Christmas shop.  It was a nice relaxing afternoon.  I got home in time to watch Judge Judy. 

A year ago yesterday I started this blog.  I never expected to still be writing it a year later.  A year ago today Ray's brother and sister-in-law came to town to be here for him during his surgery.  Ray had to do his "bowel prep" so he stayed upstairs in the innkeepers' quarters to drink that crap.  Scott, Mary Ellen and I ate Mexican food.  His surgery was a year ago tomorrow.  This has been a very, very long and emotional year. 

I've got guests that will be here during Christmas and they want to know where they can go out to eat.  However, I don't know any place that will be open.  I may have to send them to Holland or Grand Rapids. 

Marguerite went to Detroit this morning.  Her daughter came in from Florida and she wanted to spend some time together.  I'm glad Marguerite has been able to spend more time with her kids and siblings over the last six months she has been in Michigan.  There are no guests at the Inn this weekend...so I am all ALONE!  I think I may just enjoy it.  I'll light a fire, get cozy and either watch a movie or watch some Friday night TV.  Going to dinner tomorrow night at Clearbrook with Friedl. 

Well, I think I'm going to head to the cemetery to visit Ray and then come back to watch the 5:00 Judge Judy.  - Jimmy