God Has Surely Been Blessing Me

Here it is...just days before the Labor Day Weekend.  Summer number 15 come and gone.  Hard to believe it was my third summer without Ray.  The busiest summer in years and I couldn't have done it without Drew and Tom.  I wish Marguerite had been here more, but I know she is busy with her own business and personal life.  I so enjoyed our "banter" together.

I went to the urologist yesterday.  Apparently he doesn't think the lump I have is what I thought it was.  Right now I don't know what it is.  I have a CAT scan next Wednesday.  I'm still quite sure it's nothing "bad" and will be resolved.  Maybe it's a hernia?  I guess I'll know what it is in a week.

I am so looking forward to the Labor Day weekend.  I know EVERY guest that is coming... and I love them all.  That makes it soooo much easier for me.  It will be busy and easy at the same time.  Then, after Monday, it all starts to slow down.  I will enjoy that...but I will miss the revenue.  I've GOT to make it through this winter!  I'm trusting God's will...whatever it may be.  I have to believe in His plan for me...not mine.  But I'm pressing forward.  I've had a GREAT summer so I can't complain about that!  And, He provided the help I needed.  God has surely been blessing me the last few years. - Jimmy

Update

OK, long time since posting.  I had an awesome time in Detroit.  Downtown Detroit looked amazing!  They've done a lot of enhancements since I was officially there last on April 24, 1998...my last day of work at Charter One.  Plus, I got to spend two nights with my mom...I always love that.

I've been doing great emotionally.  I feel like I have adjusted to the "new" Jimmy.  Rarely do I have any "low" days anymore.  I've been getting back to listening to Joyce Meyer and that helps me adjust and enjoy my everyday life.

I went to my doctor for my six month physical last week.  Everything was great.  He said I don't have to come back for a year.  I did discuss an issue I have with a lump in my testicles.  (Sorry, but this is my blog...I'm sharing...with discretion of course.)  He referred me to a urologist and I have an appointment on Wednesday, August 29th.  I will have to have surgery.  Let me make it very clear though, it should be nothing for me to worry about.  As far as I know (and I'm 99% sure) it is not anything like cancer or anything.  I've had this lump for years.  In fact I had an ultrasound for it back when we lived in Royal Oak and the urologist diagnosed it as a vericose vein.  (It has gotten larger over the last several years therefore I wanted to get it checked out again.)  Clearly he was wrong...even my primarcy care physician said it is NOT a vericose vein.  I believe it is a hydrocele, which is a sac of liquid.  I'm sure I'll have to have some type of test such as an ultra sound again, or MRI or something before an official diagnosis.  I'll keep you posted.

My brother and sister-in-law have been here for the last week.  It is so nice to spend time with them.  I love them both so much.  Richard and I always got along very well...even as kids.  They are leaving today and I will miss them.

The Allegan Flea Market is going on today.  We plan to go.  I love going there and just walking around, people watching, etc.  Well, time to get downstairs and help Tom out with breakfast. - Jimmy

New Jimmy

Today I leave for Detroit.  This will be the first weekend during the summer (EVER) that I have left the B&B!!  Drew, Tom and Marguerite are going to hold down the fort for me.  Last year guests/friends invited me to go with them to see Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney at Ford Field in Detroit.  I told them there was no way I could leave to attend a concert on a Saturday in August.  They told me to "make it happen."  So I did.  I will be staying with my mom...which will be real nice.   It's gonna seem odd to be away from the house, but I know it will be in good hands.

I've lost 16 pounds now.  I feel so much better.  I had just gotten out of control.  I ate and it made me very happy.  It still does, but now I try to keep it in moderation.  Exercising has really helped me keep on track.  My goal is to lose 30 pounds.  That is realistic.

I've got not much on my mind these days...too busy.  I think I am adjusting very nicely to my new life...the "New Jimmy."  - Jimmy

Quick Update

OK, ten days since I've written.  I've been busy!  I've been going to the gym and have lost 16 pounds now.  Feeling much better. 

On Friday I am going to Detroit.  I am going to see Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney on Saturday with a group of woman who stay at the Kirby House.  It should be fun.  This will be my first summer weekend away from the house since we bought it.

I am so fortunate to have Drew and Tom here helping me this summer.  Marguerite has only been able to work here one week this summer.  It's been the busiest since 2004 so I've really needed the help. 

Drew found a new apartment to move into.  It is here in Saugatuck/Douglas.  He took possession yesterday.  So he has started moving some stuff in that has been stored here at the Kirby House.  Next month he will be moving things from his Chicago condo.  I'm happy for him.  It's a nice place and a very affordable price.

I'm sure in a few weeks I will start subbing again.  I am looking forward to that.

Not much else new, no strong emotions.  I am feeling great! - Jimmy

Rainbow Families Week

"Rainbow Families Week"

A couple of weeks ago Saugatuck and Douglas hosted the "Rainbow Families Week."  This is a week long event for children with gay parents (gay or lesbian).  The week is filled with family activities hosted at various venues.  During the week the downtown Douglas shops flew the "Rainbow Flag."  I felt so proud and welcomed by the city I call home.  On the last day of the event a parade was held in downtown Douglas.

The use of rainbow flags has a long tradition; they are displayed in many cultures around the world as a sign of diversity and inclusiveness, of hope and of yearning.  Today it is most commonly referred to as the "gay flag."  In 1978 San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker popularized the rainbow as a symbol of the diversity withing the gay and lesbian community.  Aside from its symbolism of a mixed gay and lesbian community the colors were designed to symbolize: red (life), orange (healing), yellow (sunlight), green (nature), blue (harmony), and purple/violet (spirit).  The gay and lesbian community is as diverse as the "straight" community.  Many religions, political beliefs, races, heights, weights, morals, and so on. 

When I was younger it would be shocking to see a "gay flag" flying.  The only places one would see it flying proudly would be outside a gay bar or a small area of a community which catered to a gay clientele, like Castro in San Francisco.  Gay's were not accepted so those who flew it did so at risk.  Risk of some type of hate crime.  So, seeing them flying proudly in my town of Douglas was really a heart warming feeling.  "We" have come a long way...both straight people and gay people.  Today I can feel that I AM accepted.  Even the fire trucks rode down the parade route along with the police - all with children and gay parents and signs made by the children proud of their family.

Earlier this week I went to the Kal-Haven Trail.  It is a 33 mile trail from South Haven to Kalamazoo.  I rode my new bike 11 miles on the trail.  It's quite a nice trail.  Two weeks ago Drew, Tao and I walked about seven miles of it.  With that and going to the gym I now have lost 15 pounds.  Eating better hasn't hurt either.  I do feel much better.  I would like to lose 15 more pounds by early September.  Ten pounds will probably be more likely the reality.  I just let myself "go" over the last two years.  My friend Tom has lost about 25 pounds!  He is working at the SuperValue so he is getting wonderful exercise over there. 

Enjoy the pictures from the "Family Week Parade" below. - Jimmy

 

 

I Need Some Time

So I joined the gym one month ago tomorrow.  Since then I can't believe how much more energy I have.  I have been going every other day.  Drew has as well.  We've both lost 13 pounds, due to the gym and eating better.  I bought a fantastic bike this week and plan to make that part of my routine on days off from the gym. 

We found out about the Kal-Haven trail last week and walked about eight miles of it.  It's a trail that used to be a train route from South Haven to Kalamazoo.  It's 33 miles long.  I can't wait to ride my bike on the trail.  Maybe today.

Yes, I'm still angry.  The anger is only going to hurt me...so I need to deal with it and get over it.  There is nothing I can do about it (as Ray would say).  But I need some time. - Jimmy

Right Now I Am Angry and Sad

Is it possible to be angry at someone who is dead, or are feelings about someone only valid towards living beings?  If I was going through grief counseling right now I would ask Staci this.  Because, how do you deal with that?  If it is not possible where do you direct your feelings/emotions.  If it is possible then I would ask the same question.  Either way, they would have to be approached differently. 

I had a boss that always told me it was impossible to "love" an inatimate object.  I would say "I love that car" or "I love that house"...and she always responded that you can't love an inatimate obect.  Is a dead person inatimate?  If so, maybe I can't actually have any emotional feelings towards a dead person.  So, how do you deal with it?  Do you redirect it?  Do you ignore it...you can't do that, the feelings are real.  Do you cry?  I've already done that. 

You have probably guessed it by now...I am angry at Ray.  That is as far as I will go in this blog.  The reason "why?"...I will not share.  However, this blog is about my journey through the loss of my partner of 21 years so I share things people "may not want to hear."  I also know that I have limits in which I have to be candid.  I will find a way to deal with these feelings.  It will make me stronger.  I will be a better person.  I will grow.  Right now I am angry and sad.  -  Jimmy