I Look Forward to Spring!

My cervical collar is off!  Hallelujah!  I had my x-rays and the doctor said everything looked good and I don't need to wear it anymore.  He suggested I "wean" myself off of it but I've pretty much gone cold turkey.  Below is a picture of my most recent x-ray - you can see the hardware in my neck.

Looking at my neck from the front.

My profile.

The best part...I have NO pain anymore.  After 11 years going back and forth with this I am pain free.

Last night we had lightning and thunderstorms go through the area.  The mild temps and rain got rid of almost all the snow.  It sure has been a better winter here than the last four!

I'm doing good with my emotions and feelings.  It's hard to believe that after six years they can still be so up and down.  I'm referring to my grieving of Ray's death.  You never really "get over it."  Every time I think of events in the past I always think "was Ray dead or alive?"  That helps me pinpoint timelines.

My oldest niece, Lauren, is graduating from High School this year.  I am planning on going to Detroit for the graduation party in June.  I look forward to it as that will probably be the first time I can get out there to see everyone between now and then.

My life is so much simpler these days.  Not having to be "on" 24/7 is so nice.  It's been three years but after doing that for 15 years it's hard to shake that feeling off.  At times I will hear a car door at home and kind of jump a little thinking someone has pulled into the B&B parking lot.  Then I realize quickly that no one is coming to see me.  Sigh of relief.

It's February already, there's daylight longer and I look forward to spring! - Jimmy

Happy New Year!

I am so ready for a new year!  I want to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh.  It always feels like that when I've got all the Christmas decorations down, packed away and have done a deep cleaning.  I haven't gotten that done yet as I've been down and out with a cold, but I should be getting there soon when this is over.  I've been lucky, I haven't had a cold or flu since March 2014!


Today is the sixth anniversary of Ray's funeral.  After the funeral we went to the cemetery and found out that they had dug the wrong plot.  So, he was actually buried the next day.  So much has happened in the six years since then, yet it still seems like yesterday.


I'm doing quite well from my surgery.  There is no neck or shoulder pain!  I'm just still wearing the neck brace.  I have x-rays and another follow-up with the doctor on January 26.  Maybe he'll tell me I can stop wearing it!  I had a substantial "out of pocket" costs I had to meet before everything else was covered, so I've got quite a bit of medical bills due. 


It's nice living "small."  So much less to worry about.  Small home, less stuff, more time.  I really do have everything I need.  It's easy to want more, but that is just "stuff."  I think 2016 will be a great year. - Jimmy

I'm Looking Forward to 2016!

Well, Christmas is over.  My sixth in a row without Ray.  It's a very sentimental time of year for me as this was Ray's absolute most favorite time of year.

My medications seem to be keeping my emotions in check.  I'm still not quite at 100%, and maybe I never will be.  The mornings are better for me.

I saw this the other day and it really hit me as true:

What is that picture that I have in my head?  The thing is I don't know.  At one time I thought I had the picture and it seemed to match what was in my head.  But that's not how "life" is.  For anyone.  I guess I need to toss any picture I had perceived of what my life was supposed to be and just live it as I go along.  There are many times when I am out and about and everyone else looks like they just got everything together.  What a great life they have.  But I don't know their individual struggles, trials, grief.  I think that I'm the only one that has struggles, grief, anxiety and life stresses.  So in a way I guess it's kind of selfish, I'm only thinking about ME.  Everything I go through is just "life."  Everyone experiences it in some way.

I am healing quite well from my surgery.  It's irritating wearing the neck collar all day and night, and I've got four more months to wear it.  My neck and shoulder pain are gone though!  Hallelujah!

I must say that every year when Christmas is over I love to take down the decorations and do a good cleaning.  It always feels like I'm starting fresh and new.  It's just a feeling, but it's a good one.  I'm looking forward to 2016! - Jimmy

I'm On My Way to Feeling Better

Here it is, December 14 and no snow yet this year.  Personally I am so happy about that.  Especially since I have to wear this awful neck brace I don't have to worry as much about snow and ice when walking.

I've been having a bad time lately with my depression and anxiety.  Each day I think to myself that I'll just get through it, tomorrow will be better.  I made a decision (without checking with my doctor) to quit taking my depression and anxiety medications earlier this year.  When I talked to him at my summer check up he seemed to be ok with my decision as long as I was doing well.  I seemed to be.

However, the last three months my depression has increased and I don't seem to be able to get rid of it.  I know all the right things to tell myself...I have a lot to be thankful for, I have a loving family, I have a loving partner, I have a nice place to live, on and on.  It doesn't make a difference.  I have this pit in my stomach the moment I wake up.  I dread getting out of bed (or the couch for now during my recovery).  It was so bad on Thursday I couldn't go into work.  I was a "mess."  I called my doctor's office and got in touch with a nurse working the phone bank.  I explained my situation and she asked me if I was considering suicide and I replied "no."  I said "...but I really don't care if I live nor not."  She told me to go to the Emergency Room immediately.  My personal doctor's nurse even followed up with a call to ensure I was going.

When I got to the Emergency Room I told them I felt like an idiot (taking up valuable time for something that I didn't see as an Emergency Room situation) but my doctor's office told me to come in.  The nurse said "It's good you listened to your doctor."  I was put in a room that had absolutely NOTHING but a bed in it.  A television was on the wall covered by plexi-glass as well as a very noticeable camera in the ceiling corner.  They had to bring a chair in for Drew.  Obviously this room was so sparse so that whoever is in it couldn't use something to harm themselves or others.  I spent time talking to a doctor who did a physical on me, then I spent quite a bit of time with a social worker.  She advised me to get in touch with my doctor to get my depressant medication refilled and to schedule an appointment with him just to follow up.  I have started the medication again, but it takes two weeks to really start taking affect in my system.  I am on day 5.  I see my doctor tomorrow.

In addition to her diagnosis of clinical depression, the social worker said I am also being hit with the time of year of the loss of my love, it's also the time of year that "seasonal affect disorder" takes place and (after our fact finding discussion) I'm at the age of a "mid-life" crisis.  So I've really been hit hard with a lot of stuff.

I feel better just having gone for help and knowing I'm not nuts (well I guess a little - thus the medication).  I just couldn't take it anymore last Thursday and knew I needed to do something and get help.

I'm on my way to feeling better - emotionally and physically.  - Jimmy 

I Just Need To Get Through New Year's

I hate this time of year.  Yes, I said it.  My blog is a journal of my feelings.  It has helped me look back at where I’ve been over the past six years and see my progress.  Today, though, I have to get this off my chest.

Note:  My blog is an honest, raw reflection of my feelings.  Please read with caution.  I know I am not the only one with struggles in my life, but this is my story.

It usually hits me around mid-November…of course.  That is when Ray was diagnosed with his colon cancer.  That was all that was on our minds from that point on until his death on January 3, 2010.  That Christmas was pure hell for me.  (Ray too of course.)  I can remember being awakened by the phone ringing at 1:30 in the morning about four days after his surgery.  They said Ray was going into emergency surgery and he wanted me to be there.  His colon had leaked and they needed to go in and “clean him out” and perform an ileostomy on him.  It was after this surgery that the surgeon updated me on his progress and the results of his pathology report.  It wasn’t good.  The colon cancer was at stage 3C (each stage, 1-4, had an A, B, or C).  Stage 3C is just before stage 4, the worst, so I knew it wasn’t good.  When I went in to see him after he awoke from the surgery I didn’t tell him.  I wanted the doctor to tell him. 

I went home to try to get some sleep, which I never got any.  I called my mom and can remember exactly where I was sitting in the parlor.  I was looking at all the Christmas decorations we had put up and I told her I wanted to smash them all and throw them away. 

So, when this time of year rolls around I am reminded by the sights, sounds, weather…and of course Christmas…of that time I just wanted to destroy it all.  I awake in the morning with a pit in my stomach.  Sometimes it makes me so upset I vomit.  I try so hard to tell myself that it’s “ok” – things are better, but the mind is a very powerful thing. 

I know all the “right things” to tell myself.  God has truly blessed me over the last six years.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I love where I live.  I love my job – and it’s location to home.  I have a thoughtful, caring and honest to the bone partner.  And I have to be honest (which is what my blog is about) I do not miss the Kirby House.  I was so ready to move on after three years of running it without Ray.  So what’s my problem?  This is my struggle.

As I’ve written before in my blogs, sometimes as I write them I get some answers to my own questions.  So, as I am writing this I am thinking that I need to start my days counting my blessings.  Thanking God for my blessings.  Get my mind on positive things.  At the beginning of the year I put a “Blessings Jar” on a shelf at my desk (no one knows about it…until now).  On a small slip of paper I wrote the date and just one thing I was thankful for throughout the year.    Maybe I will post those in a future 2016 blog.

I slowly ease into a more steady emotion as the day progresses and by evening I am feeling much better.  Until now only Drew has known about my struggle (and one person at work has an idea).  This is my life.  This is my continued process of grief even after six years.  I just need to get through New Year’s.  - Jimmy 

Last Supper(s)

Well, in the last two weeks I have been able to have dinner at Clearbrook and Everyday People Café.  One was Drew's treat and the other mine.  Special dinners before my surgery.  It's not that I won't be able to eat after surgery, it's just that I won't be able to swallow solid foods for a while and then...even if I'm all "ok"...I don't really think I would enjoy the dinners too much with the neck brace I'll be wearing.

I decided to order "old school" at Everyday People Café.  I ate items that have been on their menu since the beginning.  In the past I've talked about photos bringing back memories - but WOW, flavors and smells really bring back the past.  We had the drunken shrimp Sambuca as an appetizer.  Then, I had the house salad with the "garlic, basil, creamy, dreamy dressing" (as Ray and I called it).  For my entrée I had the gorgonzola pork chop.  Every single bite brought back a memory.  As I was eating I could totally picture just leaving the restaurant and walking right down the street to the Kirby House and taking a dip in the pool or hot tub.  It was like going back in time.  I even thought of my great friend Dawn Bloomfield who passed away last week.  It was a really sentimental dinner.

We even sat at Ray's favorite booth (and we didn't even ask)!  The booth right next to the kitchen was Ray's favorite.  He loved watching what was going on back there.  I sat in his spot.

My view of the kitchen from our booth.

I have got most of the important things done that needed to get done before surgery.  Outdoor furniture and gazebo all taken down and/or put away.  Air conditioner unit covered and shut down for the winter.  Bills caught up.  Laundry getting caught up and my recliner all set for sleeping in the next couple/few months.  I think I'm ready!


Looking forward to the pain going away. - Jimmy

Preparations

My surgery is scheduled for November 2.  I am now doing all my preparations.  I go to my primary care physician on October 20 to get clearance for the surgery.  I have been fitted for my cervical collar that I will have to wear for three months.  I have paid my co-pays for all my MRI’s, X-Ray’s, etc. 

Oh what fun!

I went to “YouTube” to see if there were videos of the procedure.  (The procedure is called cervical anterior discectomy and fusion.)  There were.  I am having four discs removed, C4, C5, C6 and C7.  I will be in the hospital a bit longer.  To my surprise there were also videos of others who had the same procedure.  They shared their experiences.  This was very helpful as it gave me firsthand information on what to expect before, during and after surgery.  It was also so interesting to hear other people talk about the exact same pain I have been having for the last 12 years.  I can’t believe there are others out there going through the same thing.  One thing most of them said (and I was advised by the man who fitted my collar) is that you have to sleep in a recliner while you recover.  It’s too difficult to get in and out of bed.  My friend Tom is letting me borrow his recliner.  I also figured I should get some real good quality pillows.  I purchased two King pillows yesterday at Costco ($80 for both!).

Another thing mentioned by people on YouTube was that eating is rough because you’ll have what feels like a very sore throat.  During the procedure they have to move your trachea over so they can get to your spine.  The aftermath of the pulling and moving of the trachea gives you the feeling of a sore throat.  So, I am going to buy some “smooth foods” to eat, such as pudding, yogurt, etc.

I’m so fortunate to have such amazing friends at my side (in addition to Drew).  Three of my friends, Tom, Mary and Kelley are actually taking off work the day of my surgery so they can be there for me.  It’s almost like it’s going to be a little party (that’s what I keep telling myself).

So, now I’ve got two and a half weeks left before I will be out of commission for three months (or more).  Time to get the outdoor gazebo and furniture stored and covered.  Get as many leaves raked as possible.  And one big thing I want to do before my surgery is to have a dinner at Clearbrook and Everyday People Café.  Once I have that collar on I’m not sure how much I will want to be seen in public.  Plus, I won’t be able to eat like that for a while. 

One nice thing before my surgery is that I will be able to see Ray’s sister, Susie, from Colorado.  She is coming up this week to visit with Marguerite.  They will spend some time in Detroit and then come back here and we’re going to get together.  I’ve been very fortunate that the Riker family has kept me in their care.  I’m honored that they keep in touch with me, care about my well being and treat me like blood family.  It’s nice because I feel like a part of him is still with me.  

It's hard to believe that in less than three months it will be six years since Ray passed away.  The upcoming months will be hard on me as the memories of that time of year in 2009 will flood my soul again.  - Jimmy