I Need Some Time

So I joined the gym one month ago tomorrow.  Since then I can't believe how much more energy I have.  I have been going every other day.  Drew has as well.  We've both lost 13 pounds, due to the gym and eating better.  I bought a fantastic bike this week and plan to make that part of my routine on days off from the gym. 

We found out about the Kal-Haven trail last week and walked about eight miles of it.  It's a trail that used to be a train route from South Haven to Kalamazoo.  It's 33 miles long.  I can't wait to ride my bike on the trail.  Maybe today.

Yes, I'm still angry.  The anger is only going to hurt me...so I need to deal with it and get over it.  There is nothing I can do about it (as Ray would say).  But I need some time. - Jimmy

Right Now I Am Angry and Sad

Is it possible to be angry at someone who is dead, or are feelings about someone only valid towards living beings?  If I was going through grief counseling right now I would ask Staci this.  Because, how do you deal with that?  If it is not possible where do you direct your feelings/emotions.  If it is possible then I would ask the same question.  Either way, they would have to be approached differently. 

I had a boss that always told me it was impossible to "love" an inatimate object.  I would say "I love that car" or "I love that house"...and she always responded that you can't love an inatimate obect.  Is a dead person inatimate?  If so, maybe I can't actually have any emotional feelings towards a dead person.  So, how do you deal with it?  Do you redirect it?  Do you ignore it...you can't do that, the feelings are real.  Do you cry?  I've already done that. 

You have probably guessed it by now...I am angry at Ray.  That is as far as I will go in this blog.  The reason "why?"...I will not share.  However, this blog is about my journey through the loss of my partner of 21 years so I share things people "may not want to hear."  I also know that I have limits in which I have to be candid.  I will find a way to deal with these feelings.  It will make me stronger.  I will be a better person.  I will grow.  Right now I am angry and sad.  -  Jimmy

Maybe It's Good

I am looking at the last picture of Ray ever taken...and I am crying.  Maybe it's good. - Jimmy

Happy Holidays

Great day today.  I can't believe how much busier it is this year.  Thank God! 

Woke up and did breakfast with Tom and Drew.  Then we all sat on the front porch for about an hour after cleaning breakfast and doing rooms.  Drew and I went to the gym after that.  Then, it was a full afternoon of checking people in and doing odds and ends.

This last week has been "Family Pride Week" in Saugatuck-Douglas."  It is a week in which gay couples who have childern can come together and find peace and acceptance.  The week ended with a parade down Center Streen in Douglas.  How awesome so see the families of gay parents with children marching in pride and our Police and Firefighters along with them.  One fire truck had a load of children on top cheering.  One fire truck passed with a hand made crayon poster which read "Two moms are better than one."  I felt such pride in our community.  And the sign was so true.  Rather than being a child of one parent due to divorce...having two parents is better than just one.  The fact that our police and fire fighters were part of this made me so proud to be a citizen of Saugatuck-Douglas. 

It's "Christmas in July" this weekend.  Happy Holidays! - Jimmy

Chao

Thunderstorms....finally!  It is 12:26 a.m. and there is a wonderful thunderstorm going across Saugatuck/Douglas.  We need the rain so bad.  We also need the fertilizer from the lightning for the grass and flowers.

I walked the Kal-Haven trail today with Drew and Tao.  Tao is a friend/guest from China who is living in the USA now.  We walked about seven to eight miles.  I'm determined to lose the weight I gained since Ray died.

I have been soooo busy.  It's been a GREAT year so far.  Let's hope it keeps going.

Chao...Jimmy

Ha, Ha!

It's crazy how little things can stir up emotions.  I was just watching the TODAY show.  A commercial came on for Hershey's Chocolate Drops.  I saw a building in the background that reminded me of a building Ray and I saw in Santa Monica after our last cruise together.  BAM!  I started thinking.  I was thinking how it would be just less than a year later that he would be dead.  My mind whirled over that.  How life seemed so full and yet it would crash in an instant less than a year later.  Of course I started to cry.  It wasn't a bad cry, just some heavy tears and then calm.  Exactly like my grief counselor told me it would be.  The memories can hurt, but not as bad as they did two years ago.

I've been doing good so far at going to the gym.  It is only three weeks now thought.  I have lost 10 pounds...hooray!  I need to loose at least 20 more.  I will do it.  I just really got careless over the last two years.  I truly didn't care.  I ate anything I wanted at any time and had no desire to exercise.  None!  I tried to do some walks, but that would last a day.  I feel motivated now.  I want to look better.  I want to feel better.  I will do it.

I've been so busy here at the bed and breakfast.  It's been the busiest year since 2006!  I hope this is a sign that things are turning around.  Thank God I have Drew and Tom to help me.  Marguerite's been taking art classes at Ox-Bow and cleaning houses so she's only been here about a week all summer so far.  So, God has blessed me with help from Drew and Tom. 

Well, I gotta go.  I'm making a Baked Dutch Apple Pancake for breakfast!  Tom's making corned beef hash and Drew is making Scalloped Potatoes.  A light breakfast!  Ha, Ha! - Jimmy

So Simple

I paused the TiVo for a minute.  I'm watching "Seinfeld."  It is an episode from 1995.  As I lay on the couch I think about 1995.  Live "seemed" so simpler then.  Living in Royal Oak, no second home, good jobs.  Why does the past seem like it was so simple.  When you reflect on it your realize it wasn't, but it seems so.  All the issues and problems were there...however it seems like a fairy talk past.  Maybe today will seem like a fairy talk past. 

I'm keeping  busy.  I've lost 10 pounds, thank God.  I've been going to the new gym every other day.  And I am walking on the days I don't go to the gym. 

- Jimmy

I'm Doing

No picture today...just a quick post.  I've been so busy.  Busiest (is that a word?) since 2006.  I've been taking care of myself though...too.  I have had NO time to spend at the pool, so I went and got a tan at the new "tan place" across the street yesterday.  Then I got a massage!  Oh, it felt so good.  A few days ago Drew, Marguerite and I all got pedicures at the same time.  I am fitting in some "me time" with all the busy-ness.

I was thinking about Ray a lot today.  I think about all the "news" items that have happened since he died.  Especially the "gay" issues....obviously.  The President of the USA affirming his belief on gay marriage, Anderson Cooper coming out...etc.  It validates our long time struggle to tell people that this is who we are.  We are not sinners, we are not crazy people, we are not pedophiles, we are God's creation.  For whatever reason...He mad me. 

I had a conversation with a peer the other day.  He said that I must be so tired to being an Innkeeper after 15 years.  Actually, I love it now more than ever.  For many reasons.  But...one is that I am in total control of everything.  It is somewhat liberating.  I don't have to "pass something by" anyone.  That also makes it quite challenging.  I take the blame for everying.  But, to be honest, the blame has been quite complimentary.  I'm doing well.  - Jimmy

Two and a Half Years

It was two and a half years ago TODAY I lost Ray.  I feel really sad at this moment.  But I know the sadness will not last long.  I have busy days ahead and I move on.  The length of time since his death hit me yesterday afternoon.  I was taking a walk with Drew and I began to think about how long it's been.  I just can't believe it!  How can it be "years" now?  It NEVER seems like years.  It seems like it just happened.  Yet I know it didn't just happen.  Everything I have been through to get to this point has taken time...lots of time. 

I know I am healing.  I joined a gym last week.  I've realized that it's time I take care of me...physically.  I think I went through such a self deprecating period that I didn't care about my weight too much.  I wasn't happy with my appearance but I didn't care enough to do anything about it.  Now I care.  I want to look and feel better.  If only for me.  I've lost seven pounds since spring and four of that since I joined the gym.  I'm also tracking my progress through a program they have online along with a monitor I wear every day.  I hook the monitor up to my computer and it tracks my "points".  Without going through too much detail it helps motivate me to move more.  Get more exercise even when I'm not at the gym.  Then I can track my progress online. 

 I've got a busy week ahead...it is the July 4th rush!  I'm looking forward to it.