"A Single Man." After George finds out his partner Jim has died he hangs up the phone with almost no emotion. He lives in the 1960's where gay people are NOT accepted as part of society. He runs to his best friend's house, a woman named Charley. There you see he can express himself openly to her. He breaks down. An intense scene.
When I was told Ray had "passed" I fell to my feet. It was as if they turned liquid. I cried so hard. I knew the feeling that George was experiencing. You want to stop the clock. You don't want to hear the message. If you don't know then it isn't reality. In my heart I had the feeling that Ray had died while the paramedics where in there with him, but I felt "hope" as long as I didn't KNOW that he had passed. It was hell.
I cried deeply last night. Drew and I ended up eating at Everyday People Cafe last night. It was a beautiful spring night. During the entire dinner there I couldn't help but think about how Ray and I would eat there talking about the upcoming season. My heart started to ache. When we got back to Kirby House we went out back at the pool. The sun was setting, the pool was nice and warm. I thought about the times Ray and I would be out back there enjoying the evening, the upcoming season, the fact that we were doing "what we wanted to do." I broke down. I started to cry so hard I called Marguerite and asked her to come by. She has been my savior in this. I feel close to Ray when I am with her (and any of her family). I move on with my life, my grief, my future. - Jimmy
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Scenes I Saw
I didn't really do too much today. After next week I will be working 24/7 for four months. So I took it easy.
I did rent the movie "A Single Man." This movie was released in December 2009 and stars Colin Firth. It takes place in the 1960's. It is about a gay man whose partner of 16 years dies in a car accident. It takes place in an era when no one recognizes the reality of their relationship. There were so many "reality points" I saw in the movie. Over the next several days I want to comment about scenes I saw. - Jimmy
I did rent the movie "A Single Man." This movie was released in December 2009 and stars Colin Firth. It takes place in the 1960's. It is about a gay man whose partner of 16 years dies in a car accident. It takes place in an era when no one recognizes the reality of their relationship. There were so many "reality points" I saw in the movie. Over the next several days I want to comment about scenes I saw. - Jimmy
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A New Level
Well, I've had a busy week! I did do some gardening. Cut the lawn (finally) last night. Got the new refrigerator's water and ice maker working (through Sear's repair). Subbed for fourth grade. Dropped Tom off at the train station in Holland. Picked up Drew from the train station in St. Joseph. Etc., etc., etc. The Sear's repairman came while I was subbing fourth grade so Marguerite came and "housesat" for me.
This last week I went through some major bouts of depression. Sometimes I hate to write about these things in my blog because I am afraid that my Kirby House guests will read this and think that they should not stay here because I am going through these emotions. That would be the worst thing. When I am busy and have people around me I do great. When I'm alone I think about so much stuff, then emotions run wild. I never had depression last year. This is new to me. Maybe it's the next step. For the first 14 months I grieved like crazy. Mourned and mourned. I cried. I asked "why." Now I have been feeling depression. I'm good now. It comes and goes. Most days I am just fine...just some days I feel down. I guess it's the uncertainty of my life right now.
There is no routine. Yesterday, as I drove to pick Drew up, my mind wandered. Less than two years ago I would NEVER have thought that I would be driving to St. Joseph to pick up my "boyfriend" (or whatever you want to call it) at the train station. Especially on a Friday night in May! Since Ray has died I have found new interests in hobbies. I have "new" friends. I have NO routine. I am making my life "my own" and it is great and it is odd.
I have considered writing a book. I have not found any books applicable to my situation in the grief process. There are many books for "gays" about how to deal with greiving the loss of someone who had AIDS, or someone who was rejected by their late partner's family. However, I have not found (yet) any books for just "normal" gay men who have lost their long time life partner. So, I have had to read books about straight couples who have lost their spouse. The process is pretty much identical, but there are still so many differences. I think there should be a book for gay/committed/long termed couples that help the surviving partner understand the process. And a "faith based" book would even be more helpful to those gay men of Christian faith.
I have moved on to a new level. From grieving to depression. (Although I think both will be a part of me forever at some level.) - Jimmy
This last week I went through some major bouts of depression. Sometimes I hate to write about these things in my blog because I am afraid that my Kirby House guests will read this and think that they should not stay here because I am going through these emotions. That would be the worst thing. When I am busy and have people around me I do great. When I'm alone I think about so much stuff, then emotions run wild. I never had depression last year. This is new to me. Maybe it's the next step. For the first 14 months I grieved like crazy. Mourned and mourned. I cried. I asked "why." Now I have been feeling depression. I'm good now. It comes and goes. Most days I am just fine...just some days I feel down. I guess it's the uncertainty of my life right now.
There is no routine. Yesterday, as I drove to pick Drew up, my mind wandered. Less than two years ago I would NEVER have thought that I would be driving to St. Joseph to pick up my "boyfriend" (or whatever you want to call it) at the train station. Especially on a Friday night in May! Since Ray has died I have found new interests in hobbies. I have "new" friends. I have NO routine. I am making my life "my own" and it is great and it is odd.
I have considered writing a book. I have not found any books applicable to my situation in the grief process. There are many books for "gays" about how to deal with greiving the loss of someone who had AIDS, or someone who was rejected by their late partner's family. However, I have not found (yet) any books for just "normal" gay men who have lost their long time life partner. So, I have had to read books about straight couples who have lost their spouse. The process is pretty much identical, but there are still so many differences. I think there should be a book for gay/committed/long termed couples that help the surviving partner understand the process. And a "faith based" book would even be more helpful to those gay men of Christian faith.
I have moved on to a new level. From grieving to depression. (Although I think both will be a part of me forever at some level.) - Jimmy
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The Payback
Jim and Friedl at Clearbrook Country Club
I got up this morning to take my friend Tom to the Holland Train Station. It leaves at 8:21 a.m. So I had to get up early. The one guest I had today left at 7:30 a.m. and Tom took care of getting him breakfast and on the way. On the way home I stopped to get gas...it was $3.99 a gallon. A big bargain in today's gas price average. I hear prices will continue to fall through Memorial Day.
I said I was going to relax most of the day but I ended up doing some light work. I weeded, watered, worked on the hot-tub, threw away old flower pots, worked on bills, etc. I am planning on making Ray's chicken soup tonight. However, I am getting lazier by the minute. I may just buy the ingredients and make it tomorrow and have something else tonight. I am home alone tonight. I am kind of glad. I'm all by myself.
I think Ray would like me a lot more now. Since his death I have gone through a process of change. (As I mentioned in my last blog "A Changed Man) I used to be so aggressive...almost too aggressive. I had to "get things done" even if things didn't need to "get done." I have mellowed out so much. Maybe because I see life is so fragile now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not neglecting things, however I take things at a slower pace. Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy the moment. If it's a beautiful day (and if I am able to) I will go out and enjoy it rather than feel that I have to get some project done. I always felt "project oriented." I had to work. I felt guilty if I took an afternoon and did nothing but enjoy watching the Food Network or walking around the yard. I don't feel that way anymore. I am more like Ray. Maybe part of him is with me now. I was thinking about how much Ray would like me more now while I was picking weeds this afternoon. I was laying in the front yard pulling out TONS of tiny Maple trees coming up from the seeds that fell last fall. There are literally hundreds. I NEVER had that much patience before. I would have said "the heck with it." I found it kind of relaxing and enjoyable.
I'm subbing for fourth grade Thursday at Douglas Elementary School. That will be a nice diversion for me. I was just telling Tom today how much I really enjoy subbing and miss it since I haven't done it in a few months.
Well, tomorrow I can sleep in...but it will be the last in a while. I've got a lot of projects to complete tomorrow. The payback for relaxing today. - Jimmy
Saturday, May 7, 2011
A Changed Man
I was reminded today that I haven't blogged in a while. So here I go.
The last week has been pretty busy. I've taken serveral reservations for this summer. I did some lawn work (including finally cutting the lawn) got some flowers to put on the porch and other miscellaneous things. My friend Tom (who I haven't seen in a couple years) came in from Chicago and is staying with me while he helps me out with some projects around the house. It's been great to catch up with him. He used to go to the NASCAR races with me.
The weather yesterday and today has been great. I am actually on the front porch right now with shorts on. The last several days I have felt very high anxiety. Not quite sure why. I just felt like I had great anxiety about something. I feel better now and I believe I owe a lot of it to the nicer weather, warm sun and FULL house this weekend. Things are kind of back to normal.
I am taking Friedl to Clearbrook tomorrow for the Mother's Day brunch. We went last year, so I think I'll start to make it a tradition since her kids live to far away and my mom lives so far away. We can celebrate "motherhood" in our own way.
Next weekend the pool gets opened. It will be so nice to see the crystal clear, shimmering water as I look out the pantry window while doing dishes. A day Ray and I always loved to see..."pool opening day."
There are times that I actually miss my grief counseling sessions. They were days of comfort. I could openly share my most personal feelings...of grief, loss, love and a new life. My grief counselor often told me that as time goes by I will think of my moments of grieving as a comforting moment, one like when you wear a raggidy pair of comfortable sweat pants. You have a hard stressful day but when you put on that old pair of sweat pants and curl up you feel so comfortable. I didn't quite know exactly what she meant - but I kind of understood it a little. Now I know what she means. I kind of want that moment where I curl up by myself, all alone, and grieve at the loss of Ray. I think a person can only understand that if they have gone through the same thing.
I can truly say I am a changed man from the one I was on January 3, 2010. - Jimmy
The last week has been pretty busy. I've taken serveral reservations for this summer. I did some lawn work (including finally cutting the lawn) got some flowers to put on the porch and other miscellaneous things. My friend Tom (who I haven't seen in a couple years) came in from Chicago and is staying with me while he helps me out with some projects around the house. It's been great to catch up with him. He used to go to the NASCAR races with me.
The weather yesterday and today has been great. I am actually on the front porch right now with shorts on. The last several days I have felt very high anxiety. Not quite sure why. I just felt like I had great anxiety about something. I feel better now and I believe I owe a lot of it to the nicer weather, warm sun and FULL house this weekend. Things are kind of back to normal.
I am taking Friedl to Clearbrook tomorrow for the Mother's Day brunch. We went last year, so I think I'll start to make it a tradition since her kids live to far away and my mom lives so far away. We can celebrate "motherhood" in our own way.
Next weekend the pool gets opened. It will be so nice to see the crystal clear, shimmering water as I look out the pantry window while doing dishes. A day Ray and I always loved to see..."pool opening day."
There are times that I actually miss my grief counseling sessions. They were days of comfort. I could openly share my most personal feelings...of grief, loss, love and a new life. My grief counselor often told me that as time goes by I will think of my moments of grieving as a comforting moment, one like when you wear a raggidy pair of comfortable sweat pants. You have a hard stressful day but when you put on that old pair of sweat pants and curl up you feel so comfortable. I didn't quite know exactly what she meant - but I kind of understood it a little. Now I know what she means. I kind of want that moment where I curl up by myself, all alone, and grieve at the loss of Ray. I think a person can only understand that if they have gone through the same thing.
I can truly say I am a changed man from the one I was on January 3, 2010. - Jimmy
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Great Day For America!
Usama Bin Laden is dead. A great day for America! I am so proud of our President and his decision on how this very complicated operation went down. Rather than dropping bombs, he decided to have the Navy Seals go in so they could get evidence that was left behind. Had he chose to bomb, it would have destroyed evidence and may have killed innocent people.
I watched the news late last night after this information was released. I cried, wishing Ray was here with me to share in this news. Another BIG event that he is not here to know about. As things like this happen it makes me feel so much farther away from Ray. It still feels odd that life goes on without him here. It's hard to explain. I will go to the cemetery today to tell Ray the news.
I've spent the last several days working on the pantry. New wallpaper is up, painting is almost done. Appliances are in. I think I'll just take it easy today and chill. I will do some work...I have to...the lawn needs to be cut, I'll work on the website, send out an email from Kirby House...but I may just take a lot of breaks between the way.
I did go on a walk yesterday. I have to get back into that. So, I will go for a walk again today.
All my babies (cats) are here with me in the parlor. Moscow is laying by my feet on the ottoman, Mondo is laying next to my head on the back of the chair, and Wiley is sleeping on the chair across from me. I love them. - Jimmy
I watched the news late last night after this information was released. I cried, wishing Ray was here with me to share in this news. Another BIG event that he is not here to know about. As things like this happen it makes me feel so much farther away from Ray. It still feels odd that life goes on without him here. It's hard to explain. I will go to the cemetery today to tell Ray the news.
I've spent the last several days working on the pantry. New wallpaper is up, painting is almost done. Appliances are in. I think I'll just take it easy today and chill. I will do some work...I have to...the lawn needs to be cut, I'll work on the website, send out an email from Kirby House...but I may just take a lot of breaks between the way.
I did go on a walk yesterday. I have to get back into that. So, I will go for a walk again today.
All my babies (cats) are here with me in the parlor. Moscow is laying by my feet on the ottoman, Mondo is laying next to my head on the back of the chair, and Wiley is sleeping on the chair across from me. I love them. - Jimmy
Sunday, May 1, 2011
All In All
Wow...a week since I have posted. I've been busy. After a great birthday and Easter celebration I had a lot to do. I took Drew back to Chicago and spent a couple days there. He and Karlene bought be a new coffee table for the parlor. We picked that up while I was there. When I came home I got to work on the butler's pantry. I rewallpapered it and am in the process of repainting.
Today is Sunday. I am going to follow the fifth commandment today....I am resting on the Sabbath. (Well, I guess that was actually yesterday but I will honor it today.) I hope to start my walks again today. I have to lose weight.
I am sitting in room three. I am looking outside at the gorgous day. The beautiful forsythia outside the window is gorgous. I hear the birds and it is so beautiful to my ears.
I am moving forward. My days up extreme "ups and downs" are over...I hope. I have my moments of depression and grieving...but the "extremes" are gone. I still miss Ray terribly. He was my one and only. The moment I laid my eyes on him I was in love. I can remember the moment right now like it was yesterday. I didn't even know him and never thought I would even say "hi" to him. I was on a walk and we passed ways. It was truly "love at first sight"...at least for me. I think it was for him too, because he remembered "that day" as well.
There are so many things about our relationship that I miss. Our companionship is what I miss most. We could talk about everything and anything. Except for sports. He knew EVERYTHING about sports. From football to golf, tennis to swimming. He knew something about them all. The top athletes and the current scores. I, of course, could not understand football. He tried so hard to teach me...but I just couldn't get it. Too many "downs" and such.
I miss our morning conversations. We would wake and talk about our lives, our days, our future. We would talk about our business, our guests, our goals. I have no one to share that with. Yes...I am dating. However, that is different. We are not the "couple" that Ray and I were. Drew is a wonderful man. He is probably the most sincere, caring, considerate man I have ever met. (Yes, maybe even more so than Ray.) Yet we are not at a point where Ray and I were. So, although I have a wonderful man in my life right now...I don't have what Ray and I had. That took 20 years to get to.
All in all, I am doing good. I have a good life, great cats, wonderful friends, and a great boyfriend. - Jimmy
Today is Sunday. I am going to follow the fifth commandment today....I am resting on the Sabbath. (Well, I guess that was actually yesterday but I will honor it today.) I hope to start my walks again today. I have to lose weight.
I am sitting in room three. I am looking outside at the gorgous day. The beautiful forsythia outside the window is gorgous. I hear the birds and it is so beautiful to my ears.
I am moving forward. My days up extreme "ups and downs" are over...I hope. I have my moments of depression and grieving...but the "extremes" are gone. I still miss Ray terribly. He was my one and only. The moment I laid my eyes on him I was in love. I can remember the moment right now like it was yesterday. I didn't even know him and never thought I would even say "hi" to him. I was on a walk and we passed ways. It was truly "love at first sight"...at least for me. I think it was for him too, because he remembered "that day" as well.
There are so many things about our relationship that I miss. Our companionship is what I miss most. We could talk about everything and anything. Except for sports. He knew EVERYTHING about sports. From football to golf, tennis to swimming. He knew something about them all. The top athletes and the current scores. I, of course, could not understand football. He tried so hard to teach me...but I just couldn't get it. Too many "downs" and such.
I miss our morning conversations. We would wake and talk about our lives, our days, our future. We would talk about our business, our guests, our goals. I have no one to share that with. Yes...I am dating. However, that is different. We are not the "couple" that Ray and I were. Drew is a wonderful man. He is probably the most sincere, caring, considerate man I have ever met. (Yes, maybe even more so than Ray.) Yet we are not at a point where Ray and I were. So, although I have a wonderful man in my life right now...I don't have what Ray and I had. That took 20 years to get to.
All in all, I am doing good. I have a good life, great cats, wonderful friends, and a great boyfriend. - Jimmy
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