A New Level

Well, I've had a busy week!  I did do some gardening.  Cut the lawn (finally) last night.  Got the new refrigerator's water and ice maker working (through Sear's repair).  Subbed for fourth grade.  Dropped Tom off at the train station in Holland.  Picked up Drew from the train station in St. Joseph.  Etc., etc., etc.  The Sear's repairman came while I was subbing fourth grade so Marguerite came and "housesat" for me. 

This last week I went through some major bouts of depression.  Sometimes I hate to write about these things in my blog because I am afraid that my Kirby House guests will read this and think that they should not stay here because I am going through these emotions.  That would be the worst thing.  When I am busy and have people around me I do great.  When I'm alone I think about so much stuff, then emotions run wild.  I never had depression last year.  This is new to me.  Maybe it's the next step.  For the first 14 months I grieved like crazy.  Mourned and mourned.  I cried.  I asked "why."  Now I have been feeling depression.  I'm good now.  It comes and goes.  Most days I am just fine...just some days I feel down.  I guess it's the uncertainty of my life right now.

There is no routine.  Yesterday, as I drove to pick Drew up, my mind wandered.  Less than two years ago I would NEVER have thought that I would be driving to St. Joseph to pick up my "boyfriend" (or whatever you want to call it) at the train station.  Especially on a Friday night in May!  Since Ray has died I have found new interests in hobbies.  I have "new" friends.  I have NO routine.  I am making my life "my own" and it is great and it is odd. 

I have considered writing a book.  I have not found any books applicable to my situation in the grief process.  There are many books for "gays" about how to deal with greiving the loss of someone who had AIDS, or someone who was rejected by their late partner's family.  However, I have not found (yet) any books for just "normal" gay men who have lost their long time life partner.  So, I have had to read books about straight couples who have lost their spouse.  The process is pretty much identical, but there are still so many differences.  I think there should be a book for gay/committed/long termed couples that help the surviving partner understand the process.  And a "faith based" book would even be more helpful to those gay men of Christian faith.

I have moved on to a new level.  From grieving to depression.  (Although I think both will be a part of me forever at some level.)  - Jimmy