God Bless!

I started working at The Butler Pantry (a kitchen, gourmet food store) in downtown Saugatuck on April 24.  I am now officially out of the lodging industry.  It's a real nice change.  I love the in-person "one on one" interactions with customers (which I keep calling "guests").  I spent three years on the phone eight hours a day.  That just isn't me.  There is so much more physical activity now that I have lost 14 pounds since I started.  (In fact, I've lost 32 pounds since last June which was much needed.)  I love working there and am so happy I had this opportunity to make the change. 

Last week a great friend of mine from the Bank I worked at visited us.  It was so nice to spend time with him, share memories, laugh and eat.  On Friday another mutual friend (and his partner) came in from the Detroit area to spend the weekend at their Saugatuck home.  They invited Drew and me for dinner.  I had an amazing time.  I felt "normal" for a moment.  It's hard to explain what I mean by that, but just being around old friends having appetizers, cocktails, conversations, dinner and this not being friends from the B&B or Saugatuck just made me feel like my old self.  It was like being in another world (an old familiar world) that had nothing to do with my Saugatuck past. 

Sometimes I think it would be good for me to relocate to a place where no one knows me or my past.  A fresh start.  A place where there are no memories of Ray.  I love my memories with him but I am bombarded by them daily.  I think more so due to living in such a small town.  I can't escape the daily constant reminders of my past life with him in such small surroundings.  I think it makes it more difficult to move on to the new me.  Six years have gone by and I still struggle.  It's better. Way better than it was six years ago, five years ago, and even last year.  But I struggle. 

When I'm driving alone I have time to think (which is not always so good).  When I have those times and I start thinking about Ray and our past life it's like a wave coming down crashing on me pushing me under water.  It overtakes my body and I cry.  I know what that wave feels like.  When Ray and I first went to Hawaii we both bought $1.99 blow up rafts at the ABC Store to use in the hotel pool.  When we read "no pool toys" were allowed we took them to the ocean.  Well, I was not too familiar with many beaches at that time beyond Metro Park Beach at 16 Mile Rd.  The waves on Poipu Beach in Hawaii are quite bigger than Metro Beach.  I got out on my $1.99 raft and saw some waves coming in.  I swam out to them and a big one came.  It was probably about 10 feet tall.  I saw it start to come down on me and I just squeezed my arms around my raft so I wouldn't lose it, held my breath and closed my eyes.  CRASH.  The force pushed me under water and into a swirling heap of twists and turns.  I surfaced and another one came.  Ray swam over to me on his raft.  He came to help get me out of this current and he came because his raft had a small hole and was losing air.  I will never forget that feeling.  (Below is a picture of me in our hotel room right after this incident.  The flowers were sent to us by Ray's sister Susie.  You can see how exhausted I look.)

I have been wanting to start a side business doing photography.  I have always had a passion for photography and did some of that for the Bank when I worked there.  When they found out how good my photos were they decided it was much less expensive to have me do it than pay a professional.  I have no other professional experience other than doing it for the B&B and as a hobby.  But I think I'm pretty good at it.  I've set up a website and have been working on it.  My fear is that it actually may take off and I might feel as if I bit off more than I could chew.  Plus, I have a lot to learn and know very little about the industry (other than discussions with photographers who have stayed at The Kirby House).  The website is www.abfabphotos.com. 

Drew and I are continuing to deal with his Huntington's Disease.  We have been going to several different professionals including a Genetics Doctor, Neuro-Psychologist, Speech Therapist, etc.  I have to keep an eye on him to be sure he eats, hydrates, and doesn't trip or fall on something.  I keep a watchful eye on our surroundings when we are out and about and warn him to be careful of things I see.  He is doing well but we just have to keep an eye on things. 

This is pretty much my update on my life right now.  God Bless! - Jimmy

Old Home Week Struggles

Last week Drew and I took a four day trip to Detroit to visit my family.  I was fortunate enough to sneak in a few very short visits with friends.  In a way it was like "Old Home Week" for me.  It was wonderful, except for one thing. The memories.

As we drove around the old "hood" (this includes the Royal Oak, Troy, Clawson area which Ray and I spent most of our time living) hundreds of memories flooded my mind.  I would constantly point things out to Drew and say "I can't believe that is still there" or "Wow, when did that new building go up?"  So many things exactly the same as the day I left on Friday, April 24, 1998 and many things changed or new.  In my mind I wanted everything to be exactly as I had left it.  I wanted it to be a time capsule for me.  A place I could go back to and find refuge in familiarity.  I can't do that though.  It's impossible.

My mind plays tricks on me.  In a weird way I have this feeling that if Ray and I had never moved to Saugatuck everything would be the same today as it was when we left.  So I have this sense of regret for moving.  Then I have thoughts that if I moved back things would just all fall into place and everything would be "normal" - just like when we left it.  It's not true...there is no way to go back in time or make time stand still.  That's hard to accept.

I think the only time a person has feelings like this is when they've suffered a huge loss in their life. You want to go back to how things were.  There is this underlying feeling that it somehow can happen.  I try to make it happen.  I think I'll feel better by driving around where Ray and I lived and I can somehow capture moments in time.  If I go to a certain place we frequented maybe I can get a good feeling - almost like a "high" someone is looking for when they're on drugs.  I've heard that people on strong (illegal) drugs always want to have that "high" they had the first time they tried it, but can never get it.  That's how I feel when I try to revisit places or events that Ray and I shared.  I want to have that "feeling" again.  The only thing is, when the day is over the reality sets in and I know it can't be done.

One afternoon we went to "Somerset Collection" in Troy with my sister and nieces. I used to go there frequently with my friend Joe back in the day.  Walking around the mall, with the same stores, smells, and visuals brought back so many memories.  We then made a short stop to visit a friend of mine (and former co-worker at the bank).  After we were greeted at the door (like Royalty) Sue and I talked, laughed and teared up like we had just seen each other a few days ago. My heart sank because I just felt like if I moved back everything would fall into place like the day I left - and again I know it can't.

The thing is, everyone's lives I left behind 18 years ago have changed drastically too.  Sue's husband passed away a few years ago and she has two children she is raising on her own.  My friend Joe has moved out of Royal Oak and has had major life changes as well.  So no matter if we stayed or not, things wouldn't be the same.  There are times I regret moving to Sauguatck as I feel that if we had stayed on the East side of the state Ray would still be alive.  That's a lie I tell myself trying to believe it.

So, I wonder if going to visit the past is really such a good thing.  Sometimes it's best to just move on, go forward, don't look back.  I know that if Ray were still alive I wouldn't have these feelings.  We would just be moving forward with our lives, keeping in touch with friends and dreaming of our future.  However, there is this feeling I have inside me that is so true.  I've seen it written probably hundreds of times before Ray died but thought it was a bit dramatic.  It is that truly, when Ray died a big part of me died too.  A big part of me just STOPPED.  It had to.  He was no longer part of my life, my memories, my dreams, my future and that part of me had to stop too.

It's been over six years and I still don't go a moment without Ray on the back of my mind.  I'll think of him, see someone that looks a little like him, find a card from him, or hear a song I know he loved or said it made him think of me and I'll tear up. Sometimes still even cry.  I love to watch old videos and hear his voice and see his face, but afterwards I feel worse.  So, I don't do it often.  Maybe it was better before videos and pictures.  A deceased spouse was just in your memories.  There were no visuals, videos or sounds of their voice you could listen to and make you sad.

I've had thoughts of suicide over the last six years...(there I finally said it).  Serious thoughts. The only two things that kept me from doing it are how my mother would be devastated, and the thought that if it didn't work I would survive (and maybe be worse for it).  Suicide really is a "cop out" as it just makes everything worse for those who survive.  So those who choose to live struggle to move forward with great stride, effort, and emotions...on a daily basis.  Some days it's even a chore just to get out of bed and deal with "life."

(Side note:  As I type this I have a cute 13 pound dog sleeping on my lap.  His head resting on my arm, dealing with the movement as I type on the keyboard.  He makes me happy.  Almost more so than a human can because his deep affection is unconditional.  He gives me love because he wants to (and he wants some too) not because he knows I'm feeling sad and it's his obligation.)

I will be back to Detroit in June for my niece's graduation party.  This time I'll be staying away from the old "hood."  I'll be fine moving forward, but I always have to look back.  This is my life and journey.  Still struggling to move on. - Jimmy

Spring & Positive Changes

Spring is here!  We actually had a mild winter compared to the last two.  There's no snow outside at all.  Last week it was 60 degrees out and Drew and I took Harley for a nice long walk.  The temperature was perfect.  Then we grilled outside.  This is about our fourth time grilling in the last month.  Today, Easter Sunday, it has gone up to 71 degrees!


My blog was started with the intention of last only a day or two.  I originally was just going to post that Ray was out of surgery and doing fine.  That way I wasn't plastering all our personal information over Facebook and I didn't have to call all our family and friends.  They could just check the blog on their own to see the update.  Well, here it is six plus years later and my blog continues.  Not as much about my grief, as I have grown from it.  It's still there and always will be - just in a different way than it was six years ago.


The winter is hard on me because it brings back too many memories of Ray's death.  Now that the warmer temps are here and the sun is out longer and spring is upon us I start to feel better.  Spring has always made me think of new life - which it is. 


I'm looking forward to making some positive changes in my life soon.  I think it will be good for me and Drew.  More on that later.


We spent Easter with friends Dan & Tao (and others).  This was our fifth year sharing it with them.  We colored eggs on Friday night and then did an egg hunt on Saturday.  (We celebrated on Saturday as they go back home on Sunday).  It was really a fun time.

Tonight we are having another Easter dinner with Tom and Mary.  There were at Dan and Tao's also, but we're sharing another Easter celebration.

I Look Forward to Spring!

My cervical collar is off!  Hallelujah!  I had my x-rays and the doctor said everything looked good and I don't need to wear it anymore.  He suggested I "wean" myself off of it but I've pretty much gone cold turkey.  Below is a picture of my most recent x-ray - you can see the hardware in my neck.

Looking at my neck from the front.

My profile.

The best part...I have NO pain anymore.  After 11 years going back and forth with this I am pain free.

Last night we had lightning and thunderstorms go through the area.  The mild temps and rain got rid of almost all the snow.  It sure has been a better winter here than the last four!

I'm doing good with my emotions and feelings.  It's hard to believe that after six years they can still be so up and down.  I'm referring to my grieving of Ray's death.  You never really "get over it."  Every time I think of events in the past I always think "was Ray dead or alive?"  That helps me pinpoint timelines.

My oldest niece, Lauren, is graduating from High School this year.  I am planning on going to Detroit for the graduation party in June.  I look forward to it as that will probably be the first time I can get out there to see everyone between now and then.

My life is so much simpler these days.  Not having to be "on" 24/7 is so nice.  It's been three years but after doing that for 15 years it's hard to shake that feeling off.  At times I will hear a car door at home and kind of jump a little thinking someone has pulled into the B&B parking lot.  Then I realize quickly that no one is coming to see me.  Sigh of relief.

It's February already, there's daylight longer and I look forward to spring! - Jimmy

Happy New Year!

I am so ready for a new year!  I want to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh.  It always feels like that when I've got all the Christmas decorations down, packed away and have done a deep cleaning.  I haven't gotten that done yet as I've been down and out with a cold, but I should be getting there soon when this is over.  I've been lucky, I haven't had a cold or flu since March 2014!


Today is the sixth anniversary of Ray's funeral.  After the funeral we went to the cemetery and found out that they had dug the wrong plot.  So, he was actually buried the next day.  So much has happened in the six years since then, yet it still seems like yesterday.


I'm doing quite well from my surgery.  There is no neck or shoulder pain!  I'm just still wearing the neck brace.  I have x-rays and another follow-up with the doctor on January 26.  Maybe he'll tell me I can stop wearing it!  I had a substantial "out of pocket" costs I had to meet before everything else was covered, so I've got quite a bit of medical bills due. 


It's nice living "small."  So much less to worry about.  Small home, less stuff, more time.  I really do have everything I need.  It's easy to want more, but that is just "stuff."  I think 2016 will be a great year. - Jimmy

I'm Looking Forward to 2016!

Well, Christmas is over.  My sixth in a row without Ray.  It's a very sentimental time of year for me as this was Ray's absolute most favorite time of year.

My medications seem to be keeping my emotions in check.  I'm still not quite at 100%, and maybe I never will be.  The mornings are better for me.

I saw this the other day and it really hit me as true:

What is that picture that I have in my head?  The thing is I don't know.  At one time I thought I had the picture and it seemed to match what was in my head.  But that's not how "life" is.  For anyone.  I guess I need to toss any picture I had perceived of what my life was supposed to be and just live it as I go along.  There are many times when I am out and about and everyone else looks like they just got everything together.  What a great life they have.  But I don't know their individual struggles, trials, grief.  I think that I'm the only one that has struggles, grief, anxiety and life stresses.  So in a way I guess it's kind of selfish, I'm only thinking about ME.  Everything I go through is just "life."  Everyone experiences it in some way.

I am healing quite well from my surgery.  It's irritating wearing the neck collar all day and night, and I've got four more months to wear it.  My neck and shoulder pain are gone though!  Hallelujah!

I must say that every year when Christmas is over I love to take down the decorations and do a good cleaning.  It always feels like I'm starting fresh and new.  It's just a feeling, but it's a good one.  I'm looking forward to 2016! - Jimmy

I'm On My Way to Feeling Better

Here it is, December 14 and no snow yet this year.  Personally I am so happy about that.  Especially since I have to wear this awful neck brace I don't have to worry as much about snow and ice when walking.

I've been having a bad time lately with my depression and anxiety.  Each day I think to myself that I'll just get through it, tomorrow will be better.  I made a decision (without checking with my doctor) to quit taking my depression and anxiety medications earlier this year.  When I talked to him at my summer check up he seemed to be ok with my decision as long as I was doing well.  I seemed to be.

However, the last three months my depression has increased and I don't seem to be able to get rid of it.  I know all the right things to tell myself...I have a lot to be thankful for, I have a loving family, I have a loving partner, I have a nice place to live, on and on.  It doesn't make a difference.  I have this pit in my stomach the moment I wake up.  I dread getting out of bed (or the couch for now during my recovery).  It was so bad on Thursday I couldn't go into work.  I was a "mess."  I called my doctor's office and got in touch with a nurse working the phone bank.  I explained my situation and she asked me if I was considering suicide and I replied "no."  I said "...but I really don't care if I live nor not."  She told me to go to the Emergency Room immediately.  My personal doctor's nurse even followed up with a call to ensure I was going.

When I got to the Emergency Room I told them I felt like an idiot (taking up valuable time for something that I didn't see as an Emergency Room situation) but my doctor's office told me to come in.  The nurse said "It's good you listened to your doctor."  I was put in a room that had absolutely NOTHING but a bed in it.  A television was on the wall covered by plexi-glass as well as a very noticeable camera in the ceiling corner.  They had to bring a chair in for Drew.  Obviously this room was so sparse so that whoever is in it couldn't use something to harm themselves or others.  I spent time talking to a doctor who did a physical on me, then I spent quite a bit of time with a social worker.  She advised me to get in touch with my doctor to get my depressant medication refilled and to schedule an appointment with him just to follow up.  I have started the medication again, but it takes two weeks to really start taking affect in my system.  I am on day 5.  I see my doctor tomorrow.

In addition to her diagnosis of clinical depression, the social worker said I am also being hit with the time of year of the loss of my love, it's also the time of year that "seasonal affect disorder" takes place and (after our fact finding discussion) I'm at the age of a "mid-life" crisis.  So I've really been hit hard with a lot of stuff.

I feel better just having gone for help and knowing I'm not nuts (well I guess a little - thus the medication).  I just couldn't take it anymore last Thursday and knew I needed to do something and get help.

I'm on my way to feeling better - emotionally and physically.  - Jimmy